Semper Paratus: That Others May Live
by RainyGirl1978
Summary: Reluctant widow, Bella, attempts to break out of her rut by going out with the handsome & cocky Coast Guard officer, Edward. Can he win her heart & who will rescue whom? AH, Rated M just in case.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

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><p>I slammed the jar of tomato sauce on the counter with a loud <em>thwack<em> and fought the rush of emotions, the tears burning in my eyes.

Taking a deep breath, I tried again to unscrew the lid from the jar. _Damn it! Why can't I do this? _

I blew hair out of my face and stalked over to the fridge and my shopping list posted there. Taking out a pencil, I added one of those jar opener thingies because this was just getting ridiculous.

In frustration, I gave up. I wasn't that hungry anyway and the evening service at church was starting in… _Crap! Only one hour!_ I really needed to figure out how to fix the clock on the stove - since it's only accurate half the year. Rose would be here in thirty minutes to pick me up so I abandoned dinner in the kitchen and ran upstairs to get ready.

I brushed my teeth in a hurry and piled my hair on top of my head to put on a little bit of makeup in hopes that I wouldn't look as miserable as I felt. But the mirror never lied and I couldn't deny reality when I looked at myself – which was why I tried not to as much as possible.

This was not how I saw my life playing out. I was supposed to be happy. Life was supposed to be different. It wasn't fair. But I realized that I couldn't dwell on that or I wouldn't be able to make it through the night. So I built up another wall around my heart, hardening myself, and resolved not to let anything pull it down.

I needed a distraction.

The car ride with Rose went by in a blur. She was complaining about something at work but I couldn't really pay attention. I was too busy glaring at the blur of green trees we passed along the highway.

Neighborhood Church of Port Angeles was a fairly good-sized church, while still maintaining its small-church atmosphere. People were friendly, they still took care of each other, and there was a good group of locals who had been there a long time as well as the ebb and flow of Coast Guard families staying for a couple years before being transferred somewhere else. The problem with that caring community was that I didn't want to be taken care of and I didn't want compassion. I was tough; I didn't need to rely on anyone.

The sanctuary was filled that evening and the music was in full swing when we walked in. For the most part people ignored me but I kept my head down, not wanting to meet with the occasional looks of pity or people wanting to give me a consoling hug.

Thankfully, the songs were upbeat, the guitars and drums drowning out any contemplative spirit. But before I knew it, the part I hated most was upon us: greeting time.

"Okay, church. Take a few minutes and say hello to the people around you. Try to find someone you don't know and welcome them this evening," the worship pastor directed.

This was a delicate balance: appearing friendly enough, but not so friendly as to be approached for anything more than a superficial greeting. But by now, I was an expert. I gave tentative smiles to people standing around and they returned them, but no one approached me. My eyes shifted and fell to my shoes as people greeted each other with hearty hellos and warm hugs. I fidgeted nervously, waiting for the pastor to start the next song.

Unexpectedly, a warm and smooth voice broke through my stonewalling. "Hello."

I looked up with a start to see a man standing there smiling at me, his hand outstretched. _Dear Lord above in the heavens, he was beautiful._ A clean cut and yet still somehow tousled mess of reddish brown hair framed his chiseled features. He wore a black button-up shirt and blue jeans were perfectly slung on his hips. I think my mouth dropped open and I wouldn't have been surprised if a little drool escaped during my stunned perusal.

When I said nothing, he continued. "My name is Edward, I just got stationed at the Coast Guard base here in town and could stand to meet some new people."

"Uh… umm…" I stammered like a fool. "Bella," I squeaked out and finally managed to take his hand.

His grip was firm but gentle. One corner of his mouth rose up in a crooked smile and his eyes glinted mischievously. "Hmm, Bella," he said – somehow making my knees tremble, "is this seat taken?"

He hadn't released my hand, and I was still in a ridiculous stupor as I shook my head a little, "Uhh… no?"

"Is that a question?" he teased.

"No," I said more firmly as the drum beat out the beginning rhythms of the next song.

He released my hand with another crooked smile and I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on anything the pastor said for the rest of the service. I turned to the front, but I could feel his eyes on me as the strains of an updated hymn filled the room.

Rose looked over at him and then at me from my other side and I gave a small half-shrug. She raised one eyebrow in a smirk and I knew I'd be hearing about it later.

At the close of the worship time, Jacob, my oldest friend and the church's youth pastor, took the stage and talked about how the youth group was in need of some volunteers. There was a constant influx of teens and they needed adults to come along side them and just be there for them. His passion for youth was magnetic. He was so good for them. But that's probably because he never completely grew up himself and he fit right in with them. My interest was piqued. It wasn't a big commitment. I wouldn't have to teach a class. I wouldn't have to do anything except show up and hang out. It'd be fun to see Jake more often. It could be a good distraction. I could do that.

Throughout the service, I pondered working with the youth group. I tried to listen to the message. I doodled on the bulletin. But mostly, I tried to keep strict control of my eyes and do just about anything but think about the handsome Coastie by my side. I did not allow myself to glance at him, knowing I'd be gaping like a fool at his beauty. If my rigid posture didn't give away my discomfort, my frequent shifting in my seat surely did. Edward sat, completely at ease through the entire service. I know I wasn't imagining his eyes on me at several points in the pastor's sermon.

At the close of the message, we all stood for the benediction. I busied myself with picking up my purse and putting on my coat and looking anywhere but at Edward as he left.

Spotting Jake across the sanctuary, I decided to give the youth group a try. It would be good for me to focus on something other than my own pitiful life.

"Oh, Bella, I have to go talk to Esme about the food drive, I'll be back in a few," Rose said with a smile as she quickly walked away.

I turned to go the opposite direction to talk to Jacob and nearly ran directly into a wall of Edward, my face just a breath away from his chest, but was stopped just in time by a pair of strong arms. He smelled amazing, like soap and salty sea air.

"Whoa there, Bella," he said with a rumble of humor in his voice that tingled in my toes.

My heart felt like it would beat out of my chest when he didn't immediately release me but instead held me for a minute as I futilely tried to keep my cheeks from heating up.

"I'm sorry," I said, more than a little embarrassed.

He smiled at me as I retreated from his hold. "So Bella," he said, casually leaning against the back of the chair in front of us, "I really don't know anyone here and would love to have a friend in town. Is there any way I could convince you to come out for a drink, or uhh, maybe coffee?" His eyes darted around the sanctuary, probably rethinking that drink.

_Was he asking me out? No. He couldn't have been. He was just looking for… a buddy here in town. Right? _He had to be. I mean, he was breathtaking and I was… Well, I couldn't consider it anyway. Dating. Again.

But still, his eyes burned into mine and he was motionless as he awaited my answer.

"I… actually, I came with a friend and I'm riding home with her. So…" I said, nervously rocking my head and trying not to maintain eye contact with this dangerously beautiful man.

But he wasn't so easily deterred and he ducked his head to catch my glance. "I'd be happy to drop you back home, Bella," he said, an amused smile on his face. "Just come out with me," he said, softly jerking his head towards the door.

My teeth pressed into my lip as I contemplated this handsome stranger. His green eyes gleamed and I felt the heat rise in my cheeks, as I hunched my shoulders slightly. But anxiety and guilt held me back. "I'm sorry, Edward, I don't think I can, tonight."

"Maybe some other time," he murmured.

"Yes, maybe," I agreed, entranced by his eyes.

His lips pulled into an enticing smile. "You have a good night, Bella," he said as he took a few steps backward and finally, turning his back, he headed for the door.

I swallowed deeply and let out a heavy breath. I looked across the sanctuary and Jacob was gone. He must have slipped out while I was talking to Edward. I'd just have to call him later.

"All right, Bella, let's go. Esme is going to be out of town next week, when the food drive is over and she needs me to take the donations over to the food bank. I'm just trying to figure out how I'll get it done with my…" Her absent chatter died down when she glanced at my face. "Bella? Are you alright? You're all – " She looked me up and down, waving her hand at me. "Flushed and… you look like you're going to be sick or something."

I took a quick breath through my nose and shook my head. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just. Let's go."

She looked at me sideways. "All right, whatever, B. Come on."

I sat quietly in the car as Rose chattered away about a benefit the women's shelter was having and the Port Angeles high profile people she was hoping would show up, the decorations, the catering, and God knew what else. But my mind was back in that sanctuary and on a pair of green eyes.

Maybe I should have gone out with him. What harm would it have done? I'd been asked out plenty of times by Coasties before. Edward was the first man that had tempted me to go out since… since _him_.

_It's probably for the best_, I told myself. It was too soon. Too soon and I knew nothing about Edward anyway. It would have been awful. And I would have felt guilty and it wouldn't have been worth it.

"You sure you're alright, B?" Rose asked interrupting my reassurances to myself.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, yeah."

"B!" she practically shouted. "WHAT is going ON?"

I startled a bit and looked over at her. _Divert! Divert!_ "Oh, umm… I think I'm gonna call Jake and tell him I'd like to help out with the youth group."

She raised her eyebrows at me. "That's what's got you all tied in knots and looking like you've swallowed your tongue?"

I wasn't getting away with it. I should know better than to try and throw Rose off the scent. I sighed. "No. That's not. I mean. It's not a big deal. It's just… one of the Coasties asked me out."

"Oh." She was quiet for a few moments. "The hot one that sat next to you?"

I stared straight ahead, focusing on the dotted yellow lines on the road as they passed. "Mm hmm," I affirmed.

"And?"

"And nothing," I said, shaking my head. "It's too soon."

Her brow creased and she sighed. "Oh sweetie, I know it's hard. I know…" She said in a hoarse whisper. "And I know it's scary. But it's been two years, Bella. Two years! You can't hide out forever. You can't just cut yourself off." She looked over at me with a tender expression. "Emmett wouldn't have wanted that."

I turned my head away, looking out at the harbor and the Coast Guard Air Station as we drove.

"Listen, B. He doesn't have to be the next great love of your life or anything. But you've got to start getting back out there. Honestly, if you don't, I'm going to hook you up with someone."

My head snapped around and I looked at her in shock.

Her expression was serious. "You know I will."

I fumed, but she was right. She would do it. She never hesitated to do what she _thought_ was best for those she loved.

"Fine," I said through gritted teeth. "The next… reasonable offer I get, I'll accept. Happy?"

"Absolutely," she said with a smug grin.

Walking into the house, I sighed, putting my bag on the counter as Rose followed me into the kitchen.

"So, what are you doing tonight?" she asked.

"I don't know. I'll probably just have leftovers and watch some TV."

She regarded me for a moment, seemingly mulling something over in her mind. "Alright, let's go."

"What?"

"We're going out. You are in desperate need of a night out," she said as she picked up my bag and headed for the door we had just come in through.

"Rose, no. Come on. I'm tired, I just want to put on some sweats and turn on an old movie."

"So help me God, Bella. I will drag you out myself. You've moped enough. _Enough_ of this!"

I was taken aback by the sheer frustration in her voice. Rose never minced words, but this was pretty direct, even for her.

I narrowed my eyes at her but she didn't back down. I briefly considered taking her to task but I knew she would win. She easily had six inches on me and she was tough. So instead, I grabbed my jacket, giving an exasperated huff, and stomped past her out the door.

The bar was crowded for a Sunday night. Rose led me through the dark throng to a high table against the wall. We ordered cheeseburgers and beers and I glared at the rowdy college students and obnoxious forestry workers while we ate our food. Taking a swig of my beer I watched Rose perusing the room. She was on the hunt and I rolled my eyes knowing that it was likely on my behalf. She looked over my shoulder and her eyes lit up as she straightened her back and flipped her hair. I frowned as I saw a tall, blond man, honed in on me.

"I'm Demetri," he said. "And you might be?"

"Uninterested," I said at the same time that Rose spoke up.

"Her name's Bella," she supplied.

He was undeterred by my rebuff. "So Bella, come dance with me?"

The rejection was on my tongue, when I saw Rose raising her eyebrow and gesturing with her head for me to go. I pursed my lips and gave her the best glare I could muster. If I didn't do this I'd never hear the end about how I needed to give guys a shot. Her constant mantra rang in my mind – "Even if he isn't Mr. Right, he could be Mr. Right Now."

With a huff, I shot her a death glare and slid off my seat. Demetri's grin was nauseating as he took my hand a little too enthusiastically and led me out into the crowd. The lights were flashing and the bodies were pressing. He moved in close to me and began to dance. I gave my best attempt to move with the music and I tried to look anywhere but at his face. I could do this. I could get through one song and then Rose couldn't say I hadn't tried. But Demetri was, little by little, pulling me closer and closer. His hands began to move on my body, putting me on alert for where he hoped this would go and stirring the prickling anxiety that I had only just been keeping at bay.

I pulled back to put a bit of space between us and he laughed, continuing to move with the beat. The song came to a close and the band leader announced that it was time to slow things down a little. Demetri put his hands on my waist and I was just about to make my escape when another hand came to rest on my arm. I looked over and was shocked to see Edward standing there.

"May I cut in?" he asked politely, a twinkle in his eye.

I opened my mouth to respond with… I wasn't really sure.

"We weren't quite finished," Demetri spat out, turning his shoulder to cut Edward off.

Edward caught my eye and must have seen the discomfort on my face and repositioned himself to take my hand and separate me from Demetri.

"Yeah, I think you were," Edward said turning his back and stepping completely between us, effectively shutting Demetri out.

"Bye, Demetri," I said.

He was angry, really angry. I thought his red face might burst as he stalked off out of sight. And I did feel a little badly about ditching him that way, but I wasn't prepared to continue dancing with him, one way or the other.

"Thought you said you were going home," Edward said, raising one thick eyebrow. "Or were you just trying to get rid of me?"

"Umm, yeah, I _was_ going to go home… and – okay, yeah, I was trying to get rid of you," I said with an apologetic smile.

He laughed. "Ouch, you really know how to wound a guy."

"Sorry," I smiled. "My friend had other plans," I shrugged. "She dragged me out."

"So here we are."

I looked up into his mirth-filled eyes and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Here we are," I repeated. We stood still, facing each other in the middle of swaying couples.

"You know, you really should have just gotten over your pride and admitted that you were head over heels for me and come out with me and we could have avoided the in between steps."

My mouth gaped open a bit. "I… I," I stammered like an idiot.

He laughed as he smoothed a strand of my hair behind my ear, sending a tingle down my spine. "That's alright, you'll make it up to me I'm sure," he said as he placed his hands on my waist.

I frowned. "Listen, if you think you can just pick up some nice naïve girl in church, you're wrong. I'm not easy," I said before I even knew it had crossed my lips. Whoa, where did that bluntness come from?

He chuckled, pulling me into his chest and something stirred in my belly. "Good thing I'm only asking for a dance."

I was speechless. And as much as I didn't want to be, I was intrigued by his playful confidence and more than a little attracted to this man. We swayed gently to the melody and it scared me to think about how really nice it felt.

As the music came to a close, he stepped back a bit from me.

"Thank you for the dance, Bella," he said, his hands still on my waist.

I was in a fog and all I could manage was a small nod.

"By the way," he said, his eyes twinkling. "I'm gonna be needing your phone number."

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><p><strong>So... what do you think? Let me know! Reviewers will get a little teaser. :D<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

* * *

><p>I woke to the mournful drone of the fog horn on the water. Inhaling deeply, I realized that I had gravitated to the other side of the bed and curled myself around <em>his<em> pillow in the night.

Guilt pressed in on me as I thought about the previous night and the undeniable feelings I had towards Edward. That dance. A warm flush ran through my body and tingled in my toes when I thought about his hands on my waist, his chest against my chest. And for the first time since having been married, I had actually given out my phone number.

Even though I_ knew_ I'd done nothing wrong, it _felt_ like a betrayal. But Rose was right. Emmett wouldn't have wanted me shut off from the world. This was scary. But as much as I had argued that it was too soon, I knew that was only my fear speaking and it was time. Releasing the pillow and getting out of bed, I went to the kitchen to make coffee and start my day.

I walked into the Peninsula College Library, coffee in hand, ready to start the new week. Dr. Volturi was perusing the History section and I quickly ducked into my office, hoping he wouldn't see me.

No such luck. He had eyes like a hawk and he couldn't tolerate letting an opportunity pass to further harass me about my upcoming visit to his class. I was the Instructional Services Librarian, which meant that it was my job to teach students about research and library services. Often the professors invited me into their classrooms to teach, which I usually loved. But some professors expected me to impart a huge amount of information to their students and they only wanted to give up ten minutes of their class for it. Dr. Volturi was of this persuasion.

"Bella, how are you today?" he asked but continued without waiting for my answer. "I was wondering if you might be able to share with the students about how to perform searches for Interlibrary Loan materials as well as how to use the Library of Congress subject headings in addition to JSTOR and OmniFile Select? Oh, and also would you discuss evaluating internet sources?"

"I'd love to, Dr. Volturi, but - "

"That would be wonderful, Bella. I'm really looking forward to having you visit us this afternoon," he spoke over his shoulder as he hurried away.

I huffed, knowing there was no way I could possibly cover half of the things he wanted covered in the ten minutes he'd allowed, and grumbled as I set to work preparing the materials I needed for the presentation.

I stalked out of my office and over to the Reference Desk to get some pamphlets and handouts and was just returning to my office when I heard my cell phone chime.

Dropping the papers, I dug through my bag and dialed my voice mail to hear the message.

It was him. He had already called and the way his smooth voice affected me should have been illegal.

_Hello Bella's phone, this is Edward's phone. I was just calling to make sure you didn't give me a fake number. I'm so pleased that this does seem to be your number because otherwise I'd have to stalk you in the Lord's house, which I'm not opposed to doing, by the way. Because as much as I enjoyed our dance, I'd really like to take you on a proper date where I know for certain you're there with me of your own choice and not just to escape some creep. I look forward to your call. _

I realized as he hung up that my breathing had accelerated and my heartbeat picked up by just the mere sound of his voice. Oh, I was in so much trouble. There was no way I could call him back yet.

The rest of the day went by quickly, especially with all the work I had to do trying to condense the load of information into the shortest amount of time for Dr. Volturi's class. The presentation was pretty much a nightmare as he kept interjecting his own thoughts and strategies. They weren't bad, but I was not able to share much of anything of value with the students. I ended up stressing that the librarians were there to help them if and when they had any problems with their research.

I really enjoyed my job. But it was just that – a job. It gave me a sense of order, it paid the bills, I felt useful and it got me through my day. But I felt like I was in a rut. Ever since Emmett died, I had carefully structured my life so as to have some measure of control to keep it together. I had picked myself up and moved on. I never stopped, I just kept moving. But I did so in the most robotic of ways, never stretching myself, never moving outside the realm of the known. I did the same thing every day. I ate the same things, read the same books, watched the same shows, and saw the same people. All this scheduled control was really starting to wear on me and I was beginning to feel stagnant.

As I sat down at my desk and began responding to an online reference question about recreation in the Olympic National Forest, I thought about how I really needed somewhere that I could just let my hair down and be me – whoever that was anymore. It scared me to think about branching out, but I knew that I couldn't continue with this half-existence. Emmett wouldn't have wanted it for me and I knew that, really, I didn't want it for myself, either.

The idea of volunteering with the youth at church seemed like it could be… fun. It was scary, but it was unexpected. I didn't really feel like I had everything it took to help these kids but I also knew that when I was a teen, sometimes I just really wanted someone a little older who would just be there for me and not judge me. I could do that. And if I let myself relax, I knew that working with Jake would be a blast. Things with him weren't as comfortable as they used to be. But I thought if we hung out more, it would be easier. It had the potential to be completely non-threatening and a place I could go and just be, with no expectations. And with Jake in charge, it would definitely be unorganized and unpredictable.

So I dialed his number as I walked into my house after getting off work.

He picked up after a few rings. "Bells, hi," he said, sounding out of breath but happily surprised.

"Hi, Jake. Umm, I didn't catch you in the middle of anything, did I?"

"What? No, no. I'm just." I heard a loud crash. "Umm… just." Then several more clattering sounds. "Nothing, Bells. What's up?" he asked, his voice cracking a little.

I stifled the laugh that wanted to escape. "Are you sure? You can call me back later."

"No, I… Really, it's nothing. How's it going?"

"It's great," I said, smiling at his nervous enthusiasm. "I just was calling you about the youth group. I uhh, I was thinking maybe I might be interested in helping out." It came out more like a question than a statement.

"Yeah? Wow, that would be great! I mean, really… great. I'd love that, I mean, the kids would love that. I mean…" He laughed nervously. "Yeah, just, that would be great."

I laughed and shook my head. "Well, umm, I was kind of wondering what all I'd have to do."

"Oh! Right. Yeah, really nothing. I mean, you'd just come to youth group every week and hang out. You might be able to help plan some events like retreats or games. The kids are really great, they just need people in their lives that'll be there for them no matter what, you know?" Jake's voice got stronger, speaking about the kids he loved so much. "Some of them are kind of rough and some of them come from some pretty awful situations, but really they all just want to be loved and accepted," he said, his voice softening. "I mean, you remember what it was like to be a teenager and do stupid stuff."

I laughed, squeezing my eyes shut. I agreed to come to the meeting that Thursday night to see what it was about and, as I hung up the phone, the memories flooded back. The time Jacob and I had taken some of Charlie's beer and driven out to Port Townsend, sat on top of a bunker at Fort Worden, watched the water, and got drunk for the first time. We laughed and drank till it started raining and we ran to the truck for cover, stumbling and giggling all the way.

He had been my best friend since we were kids when he'd followed me around like a little lost puppy. But when I was with him, everything was right. It was comfortable and natural. He just got me and I had loved being around him more than any other boy, well more than anyone at all, really.

So, that night, when he swooped in for a kiss as we drank more beer and laughed in the truck, I didn't fight him. His mouth had been warm and soft, like a cozy blanket in front of a fire on a rainy day. It felt good. It felt safe. And when he pushed, just a little further, I didn't stop him. His hands, at first timid, became bold as he continued, exploring the curves of my body. Making out with him felt like sharing just another part of myself with my best friend, so I let him.

I had always heard about the dizzying effects of passion, the compulsion to have more and more of the person you were with. But in my experience, life wasn't really like that, getting swept away by the need to be with another person. That was the stuff of the cheap romance novels my mom had always read or the lofty imaginings of playwrights and poets. My head had been dizzy from the alcohol, but there was no pounding of blood in my ears, my breathing was even and controlled. It was close and it was intimate, a way to learn more about him and for him to learn more about me. And that was special enough.

We had made out several times after that, his hands always finding their way to my breasts or my butt. Looking back, I was glad that nothing more ever came of our relationship – regardless of how natural it felt. His mom had died soon after and he had been really angry and started hanging out with a gang of guys out on the reservation. He took his anger out on me and we had fought. I didn't speak to him for years and then Emmett came into my life.

I looked at the picture of Emmett and me on our wedding day that sat on the mantel in the living room. I had been a virgin when I married him. Emmett had very strong convictions and he was the one who got me interested in attending church. Religion wasn't something that had ever been important to me, but watching him talk about his faith was inspiring. It wasn't just some code of rules or morals he ascribed to. It really affected his whole life. He had peace, something I'd never had, and he was the most beautiful person I'd ever met. He was kind, he was giving, and he really loved people. On top of all that, he was just… fun. With him, I didn't have to think or worry about anything. I couldn't help but be attracted to him or his faith.

So I started attending church with him. Interestingly enough, during the time we weren't speaking to each other, Jacob had his own conversion experience as well. I met Rose at the church and she and I had an uneasy beginning to our friendship, as she and Emmett had recently broken up. When Emmett died, she had been heartbroken as well. But she had been the one to pick me up, to make me move again. She had been unfailingly loyal to me. She had a tough love approach and I didn't know if I'd have made it without her.

But still.

Without Emmett… I kind of felt like I was floundering. I moved and I functioned. But I wondered where God was and how he could let this happen. I was angry with him for taking Emmett away and leaving me with this life. Attending church was mostly out of habit now, like everything else I did. But I kind of felt like I'd be betraying Emmett if I quit going. It was important to him, so it was important to me. And at least it got me out of the house for something other than work and I got to see my friends.

That night, I cooked an easy dinner and decided to settle in with a book. Climbing into my too big bed, I stretched, the soft sheets soothing my tired body. I turned on my side and burrowed my head down into my pillow, trying to find my sweet spot. It had never been so hard to get comfortable in bed when I wasn't alone. Just as I felt myself relax and picked up my book to read, my phone rang obnoxiously from the bedside table.

"Arrgghhhh," I grumbled, sitting up and reaching for the glowing and singing phone.

Seeing the number, I immediately recognized it from earlier and froze. Edward. What would I say? What would he say?

My mind raced and an uneasy pulsing vibrated through my body. This was it. I had promised Rose that I would try, that I would accept the next reasonable offer. But still, I was paralyzed. And just as I worked up the courage to answer, it went to voicemail.

I took a deep breath and let it out, equal parts relieved and disappointed.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I sat at the Reference Desk, glaring at my computer screen. I hated to exude the "unfriendly librarian" attitude but it was really turning into a bad day. Rose called while I was driving to the college to inform me that I was going shopping with her after work, then I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone and driving, which made me late. Jasper, my boss and old friend, leveled me with a warning glare as I hung my head and went to my office.

Dr. Volturi came by and asked me to come share with another of his classes – and by the way could I please cover the topics he asked for _in depth_ this time?

And to top it off, it seemed that all the introductory English classes had the same project due and all the students waited till the last minute. They had filled the library and were all angry that many of the resources had already been checked out.

So there I sat, tapping my heel against the base of my chair and subtly doing deep breathing exercises while I showed another student how to use the online journal databases to find literary criticism. There was a line of three or four or ten students behind him that I refused to look at because I knew it would only make me crankier.

"All right, Jonathan. If you have any problems with that, I'm happy to help. Just let me know."

"Yeah. Okay," he grunted and shuffled off to find an available computer.

I rubbed the back of my neck as I prepared for another repeat of the last five minutes. But my head whipped around at the sound of a familiar voice.

"Well, hello there, Bella. What a surprise running into you here," Edward said, leaning casually on the desk. His crisp uniform made him stand out in a sea of sloppily dressed students who all looked like they'd just rolled out of bed.

"I… hi," I breathed out, caught in his swirly green gaze.

Immediately, my mind ran inventory of what I was wearing and how I'd done my hair – or not done it, to be more accurate – that morning. I fought the urge to run my hand over it to smooth what I was sure was a mess.

He placed his hands on my desk and leaned forward and my breathing stopped as his face hovered only maybe a foot from my own.

"Ignoring my call, were you?" he murmured, one corner of his mouth turning up.

"N-n-no," I stammered. Like an idiot. I could hear the annoyed whispers and groans of the students in line behind him.

"Ahh, so you were busy? Another date perhaps?"

My eyebrows pinched together. What was with him? He was gorgeous and I just couldn't figure out what he wanted with me. I mean, I knew I wasn't ugly and I'd had my share of male attention, but never so blatantly. It usually grew out of a friendship and Edward was full-on pursuing me without even knowing the slightest bit about me. To say I was suspicious was an understatement. And I was not in the mood to be toyed with, especially while I was at work.

"What is it to you?"

"Nothing, I'm just sizing up my potential competition," he said with a wink.

"Edward, I'm trying to work here."

"Okay, I'll get going right away. I just need to know when to pick you up for our date."

My eyes bulged. _Of all the presumptuous…_ I looked across the library to see Jasper watching our exchange, his arms crossed and brows lowered.

"Listen, Edward. I'll call you later, all right? I have to get back to work."

"I look forward to your call. So, anyway what do you say about Friday night? I'll come pick you up for dinner at seven?"

I was just about to argue when Jasper started across the library for the Reference Desk and I knew I was about to get an earful.

I pinched my lips together and shook my head. "Fine, fine, Friday at seven. Just, you have to go now."

His confident smile stretched across his too beautiful face and he quickly raised an eyebrow at me in… _what?_ Gloating?

"Great! Oh and… I do look forward to your call. You can tell me then where I can pick you up." And with that, he turned around and strode out the front door of the library.

Jasper watched him leave and then came over to the desk. "Bella, I'm not sure what's going on today. But you were late this morning and you're never late, and now… flirting on the job?"

"Jasper, I'm so sorry, I got rid of him as quickly as I could."

He sighed, and opened his mouth like he was going to say something, then closed it again and shook his head, walking back to his office.

I was fuming. Between the bad day, my anxiety over actually going on this date – my first in years – Edward's ridiculously cocky attitude, my suspicions as to what he actually wanted with me, and now being in trouble with my boss, I knew if one more thing set me off that I would explode.

So later when I was on my break, I called Rose and told her I couldn't come shopping with her. I was in no mood to be anywhere but home. She was annoyed but as I drove home, I knew I'd made the right choice. And as I sat down to my Chinese take-out and my wine, I started thinking about Edward. Was it a coincidence that he found me in the library? If not, how did he know? What did he want with me? And though I was nearly paralyzed with fear over the thought of actually moving on – even just on a casual date – I couldn't help the thrill that ran through me thinking about his green eyes and the way he held me on that dance floor. The way I felt about him was a far cry from Jacob or Emmett. My relationships with Jacob and Emmett had a lot in common in that they were easy and fun.

I was used to safe. I was used to comfortable.

Edward was not safe and I was in trouble.

* * *

><p><strong>So... What do you think? Reviewers will get a little teaser - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :)<strong>

**Oh and I've been asked how often I will update. I have several chapters written ahead so I can try to stay to a fairly regular posting schedule. Right now my goal will be every week. I'm going to aim for Sundays, so you got this a day early this week. :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and for your encouragement and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

* * *

><p>"So you agreed."<p>

"Under duress."

"Please. I saw how you looked at him. You can't fool me, B."

I just rolled my eyes. I didn't trust myself to say anything, because frankly, she was right.

"So, where is he taking you?"

I sighed. "I don't know, Rose. He didn't say. He just said 'dinner.'"

She raised one perfectly groomed eyebrow as she sipped her coffee across the table from me in the college cafeteria.

"And?"

"And what? And nothing. That's all he said."

"And how are you feeling? Come on, Bella, what's going on inside your head?"

I sighed, running my hand through my hair as I glanced around the cafeteria. "I don't know. I mean, I'm nervous. I'm irritated at him. He's just so damn cocky. But underneath it all, I feel like my stomach is trying to leap into my throat and in a really weird way I'm kind of looking forward to it. He makes me… just… It's so far out of my realm of experience or comfort, I don't know what I'm feeling."

She smiled, a slow and knowing smile. "It's going to be good for you, B. What are you going to wear?"

"I don't know. What do you suggest?" I asked, slightly irritated. I regretted the question as soon as it left my lips.

"I tell you what, I'll come over after work and we'll pick something out."

"Great," I said, entirely unenthused.

We left the cafeteria to go back to work after our lunch break. Rose returned to Admissions, where she was the Director. Incidentally, she could convince nearly anyone to attend Peninsula College, especially if he had a Y chromosome.

I settled into my chair at the library. I had already taken my turn out at the Reference Desk for the day so I had the rest of the afternoon to catch up on work and research in my office.

I pulled up JSTOR to start some sample searches for Dr. Volturi's next class that I would be visiting when Jasper popped his head in.

"Hey, Bella, how's it going?"

"It's good, thank you. How are you?"

"I'm doing well, thank you for asking," he said as he took a seat in the chair across from my desk. "Okay, good, now that we have the pleasantries done with, how are you really?"

I laughed a little, shaking my head. Ever since we'd been lab partners in high school biology he always seemed to know when something was up with me and he had a way of putting me at ease and making me open up. Actually I had always wondered if he was gay because he never seemed to be interested in any girls till he went away to college and met Alice. Alice was… Well, she was a little much for me to take. She was sweet and all. She truly had a big heart and she really cared about people. But she was wound a little tight and I could only take her in limited doses.

"I'm fine, Jasper. Thank you for asking," I said, smiling at him.

"So… flirting on the job yesterday? I mean, while completely inadvisable and totally unacceptable, are congratulations in order?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye and a playful grin.

"I was NOT flirting," I nearly shouted. "I was not flirting," I said more quietly.

He clicked his tongue. "Someone's a little defensive there, eh?"

"No. Jasper. I was not flirting. I don't even know what he was doing here - "

"Oh, I'll tell you what he was doing here." He laughed.

I huffed. "All right, if you must know, he asked me out and I accepted. We are going out on Friday, but that is all there is to it. No cause for getting worked up, okay?"

"Sure, sure. I hear ya. But you know, just because I'm your boss doesn't mean you can't share these things with me."

I sighed. "I know. I would have. There just…isn't anything to share right now."

Then his eyes grew more somber. "Are you up for another man in uniform?"

I couldn't help the momentary pang that hit me and the corresponding wince that crossed my face as I thought of the other man who wore that uniform.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm just looking out for you and the service… It's a rough life."

"I know. I know," I said, chewing the corner of my lip.

He smiled. "All right, well let me know when there _is_ something to share. Oh, and Alice wants me to invite you for dinner sometime."

"Sure thing. That would be lovely. And thank you, Jasper, really."

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"Rose, there is no way I'm wearing this. I'd practically be begging him to take me home for the night wearing this…dress, if you can even call it that."

Rose had run home after work and grabbed a few things from her closet to bring over and have me try on.

"You look hot, B! You're much too conservative, anyway," Rose said as she jumped up from my bed and grabbed a pair of high heels, handing them to me.

"No. I'm not wearing this, especially not with these."

She rolled her eyes and dropped her head back. "Geez, you're going on a date, okay? It's appropriate to dress up a little."

"Fine, a little. But I don't want to look like someone that isn't me."

We argued back and forth about several more outfits before finally settling on a short jean skirt – well I thought it was short, but Rose wanted me to go shorter – a tank top, cardigan and some black ballet flats. She had tried to get me to be fancier, but I argued that there was really nowhere in Port Angeles that would call for anything more elaborate than the jean skirt. Of course, she disagreed. But it didn't matter. I was nervous enough; I didn't need to add anxiety over clothing issues to the mix.

The doorbell rang, signaling the arrival of the pizza, and Rose ran to get it while I hung the clothes up and threw my hair in a messy bun.

As I walked into the kitchen to pull out the plates and beer, my phone rang. Rose put the pizza down on the counter and glanced over at the display.

"Hey, B, it's lover boy," she teased.

"Oh crap," I breathed, staring wide eyed at it.

"Well, don't just stand there, answer it," she said, tossing it to me.

I fumbled with it, and took a deep breath in before pressing the button to answer. "Hello?"

"Hello, Bella. How are you this evening?" His smooth voice poured through the phone and down my spine, curling in my belly.

"I'm… fine. How are you, Edward?" I replied, turning my back to Rose and leaning against the counter.

"Better. I'm really looking forward to our date."

I didn't know what to say since I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about it.

"Bella? You still there?" he asked, a hint of anxiety in his tone as though he thought I might have hung up on him.

"Err…yeah. I'm here."

"Oh, right. Hey, uh, you hadn't called about where I could pick you up yet, so I thought I'd beat you to it."

Deep breath, _I can do this_. "Yeah, umm… Sorry about that. You can pick me up at my house."

I gave him directions as my stomach tied in knots.

"Great!" he said and I could almost hear his smile through the phone. For just a moment he seemed like an excited little boy rather than an arrogant man. "I'll see you then."

"Yeah, see you then," I murmured, still as conflicted as ever.

Of course when we hung up, I had to deal with the inquisition from Rose.

"Bella, don't worry about it. Either you'll have a good time and you'll go on a second date, or you won't and you won't have lost anything."

I wished I could be so blasé about it.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I ended up having to work late on Thursday night and so I got to youth group late as well. The games were in full swing as I walked into the high school room at the church. Everywhere, there were kids yelling and screaming and cheering. It was a little bit of an overwhelming scene to walk in to. I tried to make some sense of what was going on but it was hard to see over the crowd of teens.

I edged myself over to the wall and looked toward the front of the room. There stood Jake, alongside two other guys. They all had their heads thrown back and were holding what appeared to be live goldfish dangling above their open mouths. My hand flew to my mouth in horror as I wrapped my other arm around myself. And all at once they dropped the wriggling fish into their mouths and swallowed.

Gagging and cheering could be heard from all around and I seriously contemplated turning around and leaving and pretending I'd never come. But then I watched the kids and how they responded to Jake and the disgusting stunt. They loved him. They really loved him. He was one of them and he definitely had their attention, whether out of awe or revulsion, either way, he had their attention _and_ their respect.

I watched the scene around me with no small amount of anxiety, having no idea how I would break into this group and how I would be able to help these teens. I was a boring librarian with a dead husband for crying out loud. They would never accept me. But I promised Jake I would check it out for the night, so I stayed where I was.

The kids milled around, breaking off into groups, some playing pool, others grabbing a basketball and running outside to the courts, while a few others took up residence at the arcade machines. I was so caught up in watching them all that I didn't even notice Jake approach till he was right there, pulling me into a crushing hug.

"Bella, you made it!"

"Oof." The air escaped my lungs under his tight grip. He released me and took a step back, a boyish grin on his face. "Yeah, I said I'd be here. Sorry I'm late. I had to work long."

"No worries, I'm just glad you're here," he said, casually throwing an arm over my shoulder. "Tonight's a game night. No serious message or anything structured. Just games," he said. "Of course there are the ones who are too good for games." He nodded his head toward a group of girls, standing against the opposite wall and looking bored, but in the way that was meant to garner attention. It was working by the looks of some of the boys. "Just hang out. Oh! I'll beat you at foosball after they're done!" he challenged me excitedly.

I looked over to where he was pointing and was shocked to see Edward there, about to play a game with another guy. But his focus wasn't on the game; his intent stare was honed right on me. Jake was oblivious as he chattered on happily. Then Edward furrowed his brow, looking at Jake's arm slung around me. _What is he doing here?_

Just then a loud voice interrupted my deer in headlights moment. "Jake!" someone called.

I looked over and recognized Sam, one of Jacob's friends, calling to him.

"Oh, sorry, Bella. I've got to go see to this. Just mingle. Join in a game somewhere. They'll love you," he said chucking my chin as his eyes smiled at me.

I avoided looking over at the foosball table again and walked around a bit to observe the kids and see if I could strike up any conversations.

A group of girls was huddled around a table playing card games. I stood and watched for a few minutes before one of them smiled up at me. "Hi, I'm Angela," she said with a sweet smile.

"Hey, I'm Bella, how's it going?"

"It's good, you want to join us? We're just about to start Spoons."

"Oh yeah? I love that game, thank you." I sat down just as another girl ran over with a fistful of spoons, dropping them in a clanging heap on the table.

"So… Angela, what grade are you in?" I asked as one of the girls dealt out the cards.

"I'm a sophomore," she replied. "What do you do?"

"I'm a librarian at the college."

"Oh, that's cool! I love libraries. I always thought it would be fun to work in one!"

"Yeah, it is." I smiled at her sincere enthusiasm and looked at my hand.

The game commenced and the dealer drew a card and discarded. The level of competition was truly impressive; over the next few minutes the only sounds to be heard were the slapping of discarded cards and eventually the sharp rasp of spoons being dragged across the table in the steel grip of tightly fisted hands. Shrieks and grunts of teenage girls duking it out followed quickly. Then peals of laughter erupted from the winners.

All in all, the game was fun and only a couple people sustained bodily injury. After being initiated by rights of the game, Angela introduced me to several of the girls and they were all very welcoming. I thanked them for including me.

"Is anyone else thirsty?" I asked, rising from the table.

They all shook their heads and as I turned to go get a drink of water, I saw Edward standing a few feet away, watching me.

Seriously, he was really starting to creep me out. He somehow found out that I would be coming and came just to…what? Watch me? Get close to me?

I stepped over to him and the closer I got, the thicker the air felt and the heavier my steps. The effect he had on me was truly confusing. "Stalking me in the Lord's house?" I asked, irritated with him.

"I could ask the same of you," he said, his eyes cautious.

I looked incredulously at him. He really was a piece of work.

"So, I see you've met Edward," Jacob said, walking up and laying a hand on my shoulder. "He just started helping out with the group a couple weeks ago."

_What?_

"We've met," Edward said, once again looking at Jacob's hand on my shoulder.

"Great!" Jacob enthused, oblivious to the tension that swirled so thickly around Edward and me.

"Yeah, I've met several people tonight." I suddenly felt the need for an early escape. "Thanks for inviting me, Jake, but I think I'm going to need to take off early," I said, stepping out from underneath his heavy arm.

"Oh okay, well let me walk you out," Jake said, following as I turned to leave.

Edward cleared his throat as we were walking away. "So, I'll pick you up tomorrow night at seven?"

I stopped, looking over my shoulder at his questioning green gaze. "Yeah, see you then," I said and attempted a smile that probably came out more like a grimace.

Jacob's brow was furrowed as he first regarded Edward, then me. I just turned and walked out the door, heading to my truck.

I put the key in the lock and Jacob leaned against the side of the truck, watching me.

"I have a date, okay, Jacob?"

He was quiet for a moment. "Okay," he said calmly, placating.

"It's just. It's time, you know?"

"Okay," he said again, quietly.

I closed my eyes and sighed, listening to the wind rustle the branches in the trees.

"Bells, I just thought… I thought," he let out a long, slow breath and I looked up at his lined face. "I don't know what I thought." His dark eyes were troubled and focused on the gravel underneath our feet.

I had always wondered if he still harbored feelings for me that he wasn't letting on. He had been hurt when I'd married, but we stayed friends. We could never not be. And after Emmett died, Jake had been there for me. Even though it wasn't like it had been when we were younger, he always took care of me in little ways, giving me a smile when I needed it and a strong shoulder when I needed that.

And there it was again, my old friend: shame. It didn't matter what I did, it was going to hurt. And I wasn't the only one getting hurt.

"Hey," I said, reaching out and touching his arm. His eyes met mine, and I smiled. It was a question.

He smiled in return, then gave me a hug and returned to the church.

Why was life always so confusing? Why couldn't it have been simple? Growing up, it always _seemed_ simple. But nothing ever did turn out the way I planned it.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I was standing in front of the mirror, trying to pull myself together. Edward would be arriving in twenty minutes and I really needed to relax. My cheeks were flushed with anxiety and I kept putting more powder on them, trying to tone them down. I'd had to reapply my mascara – twice – as I kept breaking down in tears thinking about the last time I'd gone on a first date.

I breathed deeply, inhaling through my nose, and exhaling through my mouth, focusing on relaxing all my muscles for a few minutes till I finally felt some semblance of calm. It was ridiculous. I was twenty-six years old for crying out loud, not a teenager. I could do this.

I finished getting ready and then I went downstairs, turned on some classical music, and started to pace till he arrived.

I saw his car pull into the driveway and I briefly wondered if I should go open the door immediately. Or should I wait till he got to the step? Wouldn't I look desperate if I flung open the door as soon as he got there? So I stood in front of the door and waited till he knocked. Then I waited a little bit longer for good measure before finally opening the door.

He was there, beautiful as ever, in his dark jeans and navy blue button down shirt, sleeves rolled to his elbows. His hair was tousled in that perfect way that gave me the startling desire to run my fingers through it. What had got into me with this man?

He had his hands in his pockets and an enigmatic gleam in his eyes. "Good evening, Bella. You look lovely."

I twisted my fingers together and dropped my eyes as I felt my face heat. "Thank you, so do you." Mentally slapping myself for my idiotic response, I looked up at him and saw a glimmer of that familiar smirk. I was still fighting my opposing feelings of utter infatuation and clawing irritation with him and I began to build up my defenses in order to try and stay casually aloof.

"You ready?" he asked, gesturing with his arm toward his pewter-colored car sitting in my driveway.

I followed him out and he opened the car door for me.

"You know, gray is just about the worst color you could pick for a car around here," I said as he climbed in and strapped on his seatbelt.

"Is that so?" he asked, slightly bemused.

"Yeah. It blends in with the road and the sky and the rain. The weather may be nice right now, but in a storm, it would be hard to see you."

He nodded his head slightly as he pulled out of the driveway and started down the road. "Duly noted."

I looked out the window as we drove, and with his close proximity, his scent filled the car and began doing funny things to me. He really needed to stop being so attractive. He fiddled with his iPod and the Dave Matthews Band sniveled through the speakers. _Yep, that'll do it._

Smiling over at me, he asked, "Do you like Dave Matthews?"

"No."

He chuckled. "Okay, no Dave Matthews. Why don't you scroll through and find something you do like."

"No, it's fine."

He shook his head in amusement and I watched the tendons in his forearms work as he turned the wheel around a winding corner.

We drove in silence, with the exception of the grating music, until he pulled off the highway into the Olympic Fun Center.

I scrunched up my nose. I hadn't been there in… Well, the last time I'd come had been in high school with Jake. "I thought we were going for dinner," I said, confused.

He sighed and pulled into a parking space, turning off the engine.

Suddenly, he turned in his seat and leaned toward me, draping his arm across the back of my seat, his face mere inches from mine, a small smile on his lips. His breath washed over my face and I felt a little faint. "Are you really going to be this antagonistic all evening, or are you going to let yourself have some fun?" he asked quietly, his green eyes alight with mischief.

"I… I didn't mean, I mean. I'm sorry," I stammered, way too affected by him and suddenly feeling foolish for my juvenile behavior. I had agreed to go on a date with him, the least I could do was be pleasant. But I was still confused about dinner.

Before I knew it, he had climbed out of the car, come around to my side, and was taking my hand to help me out. I forced a smile of appreciation and apology as he shut the door behind me.

We walked in and immediately I was bombarded by the sounds of arcade games and the smell of popcorn. I was extremely relieved I hadn't worn the outfit Rose wanted me to wear. He took me to the counter where people were paying for their tickets and buying candy and Slurpees®. I stayed quiet, wiggling my toes in my ballet flats. When it was our turn at the counter, his hand went to the small of my back, and he guided me to the girl at the register. The muscles in my stomach contracted at the contact.

"Well, Bella? What'll it be? It looks like they have hot dogs or nachos," he said, his eyes dancing.

I tried very hard to hide the look of incredulity on my face but I'm sure it showed through as I looked at the glistening hot dogs rotating on metal rollers encased under a heat lamp. My other option was no more appetizing when I took in the metal pump dispenser of what I was sure would be gelatinous neon yellow reconstituted chemicals not so cleverly disguised as cheese, alongside a bin of chips.

The girl, who looked to be about seventeen, snapped and popped her gum as she stood, waiting for my decision, clearly bored out of her mind.

"Uhh… I guess I'll have a hot dog," I said and forced a small smile to be polite.

"Make that two hot dogs, please," Edward smiled at the girl.

She shuffled over to the hot dogs, plopped two greasy rolls of mystery meat into bleached white buns, and then slapped them into paper boats before bringing them back.

"Something to drink, Bella?" Edward asked.

"Well, I haven't had a Slurpee® in years," I began.

"Cherry's broken. We only have Blue Raspberry," the girl said in a monotone.

"Two Blue Raspberries it is," Edward said, while pulling out his wallet. "Oh and two adult wristbands, please?"

My eyes slid over to him. I had to say that this was not what I envisioned when he asked me to dinner. _But hey, I could roll._

He took my hand in his and attached the bright blue band around my wrist, then ran his thumbs around the edge of it, sending a shiver up my arm to my spine. Then, fastening his own, he handed me my hot dog and Slurpee®. "Come on, there's picnic tables out here," he said, leading me out the door that overlooked the mini golf course.

We sat and ate our hot dogs under the waning sun, the orange rays spinning gold and red through Edward's hair. He was much too attractive to be healthy, even eating a hot dog and drinking a Slurpee®, his lips turning blue from the food coloring.

After eating, we went back inside and played several games of air hockey. I couldn't deny that it was fun. He pushed me and teased me and he drove me a little crazy. It didn't take much for me to get into the spirit of the competition. Before long, I was shrieking and laughing every time I sank my puck then scoffing while blocking his. But I _walloped_ him – and took a great deal of satisfaction in that. He was a good sport and seemed to enjoy my excitement, his grin growing with my laughter.

"So, you ever been here before?" he asked as we walked out to play mini golf, the clubs lightly swinging in his grasp.

"Uhh, yeah. Actually, I used to come here a lot. But I haven't been here since high school. Jake and I used to come."

His eyes were discerning as he regarded me. "You and Jacob, have…history?"

I sobered quickly. "Well, yeah, I mean, not really. We're just good friends. We grew up together and we used to hang out a lot, until…" I stopped and he waited.

"Until?" he prodded gently, handing me my club when we arrived at the first hole.

I scrunched my nose and laughed lightly. "Well, I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you."

He waited patiently.

"I was married before," I blurted out.

"Oh," he said surprise written across his features. "To…Jacob?"

"No, no," I said quickly. "To someone else. He…died. Two years ago."

His features etched in concern. "Wow, Bella, I'm so… I had no idea. I'm so sorry."

"No, it's fine. And really, Edward. How could you have known?" I said shrugging my shoulders and smiling lightly.

He was quiet and I looked at my feet.

"And please, don't start treating me all weird or walk on eggshells around me or anything. I'm fine. It was hard, but he would have wanted me to move on and I am – with the help of my friends and my family. So…I really didn't intend to just tell you that, right away – "

He smoothed a strand of windblown hair behind my ear and I looked up, surprised at his tender gesture. "I'm glad you did," he said. "I hope you will feel free to talk about it whenever you want or need to with me," he said, sincerity steadying his features.

"I will," I breathed, locked in his gaze.

"Good," he smiled, his hand now resting on my shoulder. "Now prepare yourself and try not to be a baby but I'm about to school you," he said, stepping back and dropping his yellow golf ball on the Astroturf, a smirk on his ridiculously handsome and cocky face.

I shook my head. He wasn't being insensitive; he knew I didn't need or want to talk about it. And he proceeded to do just that: school me, that is. I had never been good at mini golf. And embarrassingly enough, I might have argued a little too vehemently with the stupid clown who refused to accept my ball in his frightening grimace.

After mini golf, he took my hand and dragged me to the go-karts. We laughed as the wind whipped through our hair and we screamed around the track, knocking each other's cars into the rubber bumpers. I finally beat him by a fraction of a second in the end.

I squealed in victory, jumping from my go-kart and wheeling on him. "Ha! Take that, Edward!" He laughed and wrapped his arms around my waist, giving me a hug. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had so much fun and felt so carefree.

It was fun and relaxed. It was completely disarming. So when he walked me to my door and I suddenly realized this was _the_ goodnight, I started to panic a little, wondering if he'd want to kiss me.

_Say something. Say something._

"I really had a lot of fun, Edward."

He reached out and grasped my chin, leaning forward just a bit and my breath caught in my throat.

"Your lips are still blue," he murmured, flicking my bottom lip with his thumb.

My eyes widened and I froze. "So are yours," I whispered.

He dropped his hand and stepped back towards the edge of the porch. He winked and turned his back, hands casually hanging in his pockets as he went down the stairs to the path.

"Oh, and Bella?" he called, turning, walking backward and pulling his keys out of one pocket, spinning them leisurely on his finger. "I'll pick you up at seven on Monday for dinner."

My jaw dropped.

How could he simultaneously be so alluring and yet so flustering?

But it wasn't a refusal and he knew it.

His smile lit up his face as he climbed in his car and left.

* * *

><p><strong>So... What do you think? Reviewers will get a little teaser - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :)<strong>

**And PLEASE check out the amazingly beautiful banner that Raggdoll of Twilight made for this story. It's posted on my profile and omigosh, I'm so in love with it!**

**Also, we have family coming to visit later this week and staying for a week or two****. I will try to update on time but you never know with company. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

* * *

><p>"He took you where?" Rose asked, just as incredulous as I had been.<p>

"The Fun Center. Seriously. I was just as surprised as you." I laughed. "But really, it was perfect. It was light, we got to have fun together and it cut the nervousness, ya know?" I said as I ran the brush through my hair. Rose was on her way to pick me up for church.

"Okay, whatever you say, B." I heard her blinker clicking on the other end of the phone. "So? Did he kiss you?" She never was one to beat around the bush.

I let out a humorless laugh, remembering the intense moment at my door when I thought he might; how he held my chin and brushed his thumb against my lip. "No."

"No? I thought for sure he'd at least have tried," she murmured.

"No, but he sure is a cocky one," I said, throwing my sunglasses in my purse.

"Well, anyway, I'm here."

"Okay."

She grilled me about the details of the date on the drive to church and, as we walked into the sanctuary, I tried to keep my eyes from searching the crowd for him. I took a bulletin from an usher and sat down. Jacob was at the front talking with some parents. His eyes caught mine and he smiled. Not only was he great with the students, he knew how to handle the parents. Even though he was a complete goofball, he was a stickler for making sure the kids were safe. With the upcoming youth retreat, some of the parents were nervous about their teenagers being off in the woods, staying in cabins, with the opposite sex just a stone's throw away.

Rose looked into the aisle, just past me, and when I looked over, Edward was sliding in to sit in the chair next to me. I felt heat rush to my face and I smiled at him, my stomach suddenly filled with butterflies.

"Bella." He winked at me.

Before I could respond, Rose extended her hand across me and said, "Hi, I'm Rose, Bella's best friend. I also work for the women's shelter and am trained to recognize the signs of abuse and women who are being mistreated," she said with a bright smile on her face.

_Oh Lord, I can't take her anywhere. _

"Good to meet you, Rose. I'm glad Bella has such good friends." He didn't miss a beat.

Rose raised one eyebrow at him and settled herself back in her seat, apparently satisfied that she had given him fair warning.

Edward looked down at me and smiled his crooked grin. "Hey, there."

"Hi," I said quietly. "How are you?"

He leaned over and murmured in my ear just as the musicians were starting up and the house lights were dimming, "Better. I can't tell you how relieved I am to know you have people looking out for you and protecting you from the big bad wolf."

I laughed, shaking my head. "I'm sorry about that."

His eyes flashed in the stage lights and he reached over, tugging on my ponytail. "Don't be."

We stood as the worship leader directed and I could feel the magnetic pull toward Edward. I fought it, standing stock-still, looking straight ahead. I didn't want him to catch me gawking at him, but I was keenly aware of how close we were and how much closer I wanted to be. The beat of the drums and the electric and bass guitars created a pulsing through the building, a vibration that I could feel in my chest. It was like a force of its own and Edward and I were thrumming along with it. His arm brushed mine a couple times, making the fine hairs stand on end and goose bumps cover my skin. His deep voice singing along with the song filled my ears and a smile crept across my face. It just felt _good_ being here next to him. The thought crossed my mind that it wasn't entirely healthy that I was so absorbed with Edward when I was supposed to be worshiping, but I brushed it aside quickly.

When we sat down during the announcement time, he placed his arm casually on the back of my chair. I peeked up at him out of the corner of my eye and he was smirking down at me, the cocky jerk.

I took a deep breath and turned to pay attention to the person speaking up front. There would be a rummage sale to benefit the disaster relief fund, an all-church picnic after the service, and meals were being taken to a family who had just welcomed triplets. As I sat listening to the announcements, his fingers began to stroke my shoulder and I stiffened. A shiver ran down my spine and I smiled hesitantly at him. He responded with a wide grin.

Just then he leaned over to me, a gust of his soapy, salty smell filling my senses. My eyes widened and my breath caught as he came closer. But he was only reaching in his pocket to pull out his phone. He looked at the screen and sighed. Bringing his lips to my ear, he whispered, "Gotta run," causing another shiver and a flush of heat to go through me. "They need backup at the station." As he stood, his fingers trailed across my back and shoulders and he was gone.

I blinked myself out of my stupor and focused on my breathing. I turned around to see Rose's blue eyes twinkling.

I shook my head. Trouble.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"_Bella, did you know that when a starfish loses its leg, it grows a new one?" He was sprawled on his stomach across a rock that jutted into the water, prying one of the creatures off its hold. _

"_Yeah, I did know that, Emmett. Are you torturing those poor things?"_

"_Nahh, he's fine. These little suckers are tough. In fact with some of them, the broken-off leg makes a whole new starfish. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking." He jumped down from the rock onto the sand and handed me the firm, almost spiny starfish. _

"_Kinda like you, right?" I said, jokingly playing into his ego._

_His cheeks dimpled and he slung his arm around my neck, pulling me into his solid chest. "You better believe it, little B," he said before kissing me, hauling me over his shoulder and slapping me on the behind. "You can never go back, you just gotta keep moving forward." _

Monday morning, I woke from the dream that was actually a memory of one of our numerous trips to the beach. It was my favorite place and we practically lived there in every spare moment, even when it was raining.

My eyes misted over remembering all the fun we had. We really _had_ had a lot of fun together. It was part of why I loved him so much. There was never a dull moment with Emmett. He infused life into every situation.

As I went through my day, the dream kept playing over and over in my mind. It was almost as if Emmett was there, giving me his blessing, acknowledging that I had to just keep moving. I had a life and I needed to live it.

And about that living… I was nervous about my date with Edward that night. I had no idea how to dress; all Edward had said was that he would pick me up for dinner. If the Fun Center was his idea of dinner for a first date, what would he come up with for a second?

I decided to dress casually again, putting on a pair of dark jeans and a sweet white peasant blouse that also felt a little bit sexy. I'd had my hair up all day and when I pulled it down, it fell in soft waves over my shoulders. I hadn't planned that, but it looked kind of nice so I left it down.

I grabbed a light sweater just in case the weather turned cool and heard a knock at the door as I was going down the stairs.

When I opened the door and smiled at Edward, his eyes were alight as ever with his own special brand of mischief. My stomach clenched at the sight.

"You look beautiful," he said, taking my hand and leading me to the car.

Once we were settled in our seats, I turned to him. "So, where are we going to tonight, Captain?" I asked, wanting to keep it light.

He quirked an eyebrow at me and threw the car in reverse. I watched the muscles ripple in his forearm when he pushed the stick shift back into first gear.

"Do you like seafood?" he asked.

"I was born and raised on the water; what do you think?"

"Sassy," he murmured as the trees whipped by.

We left the city limits and continued down the highway for a while. The moment he turned toward the water, I knew where we were going. I took a deep breath, feeling anxiety creeping up my back and dancing in my stomach.

Harry's Fish Fry was located in an old converted boat shed at the end of a pier. I knew it like I knew my own home. That's because it practically _was_ home as I was growing up. My dad, Charlie, was good friends with Harry and we used to help out in the restaurant, eating many meals there. There had been a lot of laughter and good times. In fact, it was where Jacob and I had really begun getting to know each other.

And it was where Emmett and I liked to go when we didn't want to eat at home. It was casual and comfortable.

But now, I felt so _uncomfortable_ I thought I might crawl out of my skin. There would be questions. And how would I answer them? It's not as though there was anything solid with Edward. We were just getting to know each other. There would be memories, and I really hoped it didn't make Edward uneasy when he realized my associations with the place.

"Hey," Edward said, breaking me out of my hamster-wheel brain-processing as he parked in the lot. "Are you all right?"

I took a shaky breath. "Yeah, this is perfect," I said with a purposeful smile.

He held my hand as our feet _thunked_ across the worn plank boards of the pier, seagulls standing guard on the pilings. When he reached for the door, he turned to me and asked, "You ever been here before?"

"Yeah, I have," I said as we walked in and I was engulfed by the familiar sights, sounds, and smells.

Edward stepped in behind me. "This looks nice."

"Bella!" came a chorus from Sue, Harry, and Billy, rising above the classic rock that was playing on the jukebox. Three sets of eyes peered out from the slit in the wall between the bar and the kitchen where they busily made plates of food, setting them under the heat lamps.

Sue ran out and swallowed me in a soft hug. She smelled like onion and cooking oil. "It's so good to see you, baby! We've missed you so much!" She fussed over me, looking me up and down. "You're too thin, you need to eat," she said disapprovingly.

I shook my head and looked at my sandals. "It's good to see you too, Sue."

Her gaze shot to the man standing behind me and her brows rose almost imperceptibly. "Who is this?"

I cleared my throat and turned to Edward with a sheepish smile. His eyes were round in surprise. "This is Edward."

Her lips spread wide over her white teeth. Placing one dark hand on her full hip, she shoved the other out to him. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Edward. I'm Sue Clearwater."

"Nice to meet you too, Ma'am," he said.

Sue got us seated at a table in the corner with a nice view of the water. She gave us our plasticized menus and brought us thick-bottomed glasses of water that left rings on the table.

"So," Edward began. "You've been here a lot, I take it."

I ran my fingers over the worn edge of the table where the laminated top had peeled away to reveal the particle board underneath. "Yeah, you could say that."

But before I could continue, the front door swung wide open and a gust of sea air blew through the dining room. Seth came strolling in, rubbing his belly through his Nirvana t-shirt. "Hey, Ma, I'm starving!" he called to her in the kitchen. Glancing around the room, he spotted me and his eyes lit up. "Bella," he called happily, as he lumbered over to the table and picked me up into a huge hug.

"Hi, Seth," I squeaked.

"Oh sorry," he said, putting me down as he noticed Edward sitting there. "Hey man, I'm Seth."

"I'm Edward," my date replied good naturedly.

"Seth!" Sue called from the kitchen. "Get in here and make your own plate. Quit manhandling Bella!" Sue never put up with any guff, especially when it came to me.

Seth smiled and put his large hands on the edge of our table, leaned over and waggled his eyebrows at me. "Gotta go – talk to you later," he said and then ran off.

I looked back over at Edward and laughed uncomfortably, shaking my head. "Sorry about that."

Edward's elbow rested on the table and he ran his finger over his lips, a question in his eyes.

"Yeah, I… I sort of grew up here."

"I see," he said, his eyes warm. "I had heard this was the best place to get seafood. I guess I'm not going to be impressing you with my insider knowledge on the local secret treasures."

I laughed. "Well, it's true. It is the best seafood around. It was… It was my husband's favorite place to eat." I said with a shrug and an apologetic smile. I hadn't really intended to say that but it had just come out.

His eyes were compassionate and easy.

"Although, I _am_ impressed at the lengths to which you must have gone to find this place." I smiled genuinely at him.

"Well, I might have had some help from some guys at the station."

"Yeah, yeah," Sue yelled at Harry, who was in the kitchen, as she stepped up to our table. "Geez, too many cooks, ya know? So, what'll it be?"

Edward was watching me as I looked up at the woman who had been like a mother to me when my own mother had walked out. "I'll have the usual."

Sue turned her attention to Edward and he smiled up at her. "What she said."

"Right," she clipped out, sliding her pencil behind her ear and heading back to the kitchen, collecting plates from other diners on her way.

"So, I really know nothing about you," I said before lifting my glass and taking a sip of water.

He tilted his head to the side. "What would you like to know?"

I laughed and shook my head. "Well, where are you from? What do you do with the Coast Guard? Hobbies? Umm…" I raised an eyebrow. "I don't know, your birth weight? Maybe your social security number?" I smirked at my joke.

"Is that all?" He chuckled.

"I don't know, whatever you want to tell me, I suppose." I couldn't stop my smile and my cheeks ached.

Just then, Sue brought out a basket of hush puppies and two Cokes. My stomach growled and I hurriedly grabbed one of the little balls of fried corn meal, burning my finger tips as I broke it in half to let it cool, dropping it onto the paper napkin in front of me.

"Hush puppies?" Edward asked, teasingly. "I thought I was in the Pacific Northwest now."

"Shut up. We like 'em too."

He picked one up and bit into it, sucking air in to cool off the heat. "Well, I grew up in Chicago. My parents still live there. I went to Connecticut to attend the Academy," he said, pausing to chew.

"Hmm, an officer," I mused.

He smiled. "Yes, then I went to Pensacola for flight school. After graduating there, I was stationed in Savannah. Now here I am."

"Well that explains everything," I said. "And your birth weight?"

"I'm not sure, you'll have to call my mom. Would you like her number?" he asked, reaching for his phone in his pocket.

I blushed, thinking about speaking with his parents, "No, that's okay, I'll just have to trust that you were a healthy size." His eyebrows raised ever so slightly and heat rushed to my face. "Uh… nevermind, I'll just…shut up now," I said while wiping away the wet ring under my water glass on the table. Why did I always say the stupidest things?

"And as for my social, I don't give that out till the third date," he said popping another hush puppy in his mouth and smiling smugly.

"Guess I'll never know," I said casually.

His face was covered in mock pain. "Ah, that hurt Swan. I take you out for two classy dates and all I get is your hard heart?"

I giggled. "So, you're a pilot. Wait a minute, how did you know my last name?"

"It's on the door of your office," he said innocently.

Sue stepped up to the table, her arms laden with yellow and red baskets of fried food on wax paper. "The usual. Enjoy," she said with a smile before leaving.

"Fish and chips is what you get at the Olympic Peninsula's best seafood restaurant?" he asked.

"Don't be a hater, you haven't tried it yet," I said, sprinkling vinegar on my fried fish. "And that reminds me. Did you really just _happen_ to run into me in the library that day?"

His eyes crinkled as he took the vinegar from me. "Yes, I'm a pilot. I fly helicopters and pull people out of the sea," he said, dodging my last question. "Wow, this is good," he exclaimed, after taking a bite of his battered halibut.

"What'd I say?" I retorted smugly. But I wasn't letting him get away with his evasion. I eyed him critically. "No really, how did you know where I work?"

He looked sheepish and shrugged. "I might have asked around about you at church."

I narrowed my eyes at him but didn't pursue it any further.

The rest of our meal was easy and fun. I learned that he played the piano, that his favorite movie was _Return of the Jedi_, that he used to be a huge nerd, and that he had a dog named Pythagoras when he was growing up. I shook my head, unable to reconcile the staggeringly handsome and cocky man before me with the geeky little boy he had been.

Amazingly, Billy, Harry, Sue, and Seth all behaved and didn't embarrass me too much while we were there. When we left it was dark out, the stars twinkling above the water. The air was cool as we stood out on the pier, watching the moonlit waves roll into the shore.

I thought about how scary it all was. I hadn't dated in years. I was afraid to open my heart up again; afraid of the many ways I could be hurt. I also still felt just a bit disloyal, even though I knew without a doubt that Emmett wouldn't want me alone. He would want me to love and be loved. He had never been a jealous or stingy man. He was the most generous person I'd ever known; loving and always wanting what was best for me. He wouldn't want me locked away to his memory. He would want me free. And though I didn't know if Edward was the one I could love, I knew that if I didn't open up to the chance, I would always be bound by loss.

I turned to face the man I was now with. "Thank you for another very nice evening, I really did enjoy it."

His face was dark, his eyes intent on mine. My breath caught in my throat at the startling way the delicious seduction tinged with anxiety drew me closer to him.

His hand rose up and one long finger trailed slowly across my bare collar bone from shoulder to shoulder. "You have goose bumps," he murmured.

"I forgot my sweater in your car," I said hoarsely, my voice rolling out with the current.

"Do you want to go back?"

I looked him full in the eye and thought about the other way his question could be interpreted. "No, I want to stay here with you."

He smiled and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around me and shielding me from the wind. My hands laid softly on his chest and I breathed deeply. _Lord, he smelled amazing._

We stayed like that, just listening to the water and the wind in the trees. His face leaned against the top of my head and I thought I felt him drop a gentle kiss there before slowly stepping back and running his hands down my arms. "I should get you home; it's getting late."

When Edward walked me to my door that night and said goodnight, he raised my hand to his lips and kissed the back of my knuckles, wishing me sweet dreams.

I walked inside and shut the door, leaning against it and sighing. Who was this man? Devastatingly handsome, sinfully charming, nerdy little boy, taking me on fun and relaxed dates and extending sweet gestures. He was an enigma and I wanted to know him more.

Apparently he wanted to know me more too since he texted me that night before bed.

_Thank you for the wonderful evening. Until next time, beautiful. _

Then the next morning when I arrived at work, there was a cup of coffee sitting on my desk in my office. I thought perhaps Jasper had brought it in but a note beside the cup read, _It wouldn't do for your work to suffer from your late night out. Looking forward to the next one._

I blushed when I read it and looked quickly around for him. I couldn't have missed him by much; this coffee was still piping hot. With every sip I took, I was giddy from his attention. I couldn't wait to see him or talk to him again. I had forgotten how good this felt, the first flutterings of infatuation.

By ten a.m. I had to do something, so I sent him a text. _I got the coffee, you certainly are thoughtful. Thank you._

It seemed like I had barely hit send when I received a new text message.

_What coffee? Is someone bringing you coffee? Do I need to step up my game? ;)_

I smiled and hit reply.

_Stepping up your game never hurts, Masen. :D_

My phone buzzed with another new message.

_In that case, next time your coffee will come with a sickeningly sweet poem._

And it did. The next morning when I arrived in my office, there was a cup of coffee from the same café as the day before. Next to the cup was a small envelope with my name on it. My cheeks burned with the smile I couldn't stop as I opened and read:

_If I could be any part of you, I'd be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and ___die on your lips.__

I rolled my eyes, but I had to laugh. I pulled out my phone.

_Smooth, very smooth. How do you do it, Casanova?_

His response was immediate.

_:D Oh I'm just getting warmed up._

I certainly hoped so.

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><p><strong>So you got this a day early because my in-laws are visiting and they're out shopping so this is when I have some time at the computer. :D <strong>

**What do you think? Let me know! Reviewers will get a little teaser. :D**

**Praying that everyone on the East Coast of the U.S.A. is safe from the hurricane. Take care of yourselves!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy - even in the wake of a hurricane. :)**

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><p>I missed youth group that week because of a nasty stomach flu. I was disappointed that I missed a chance to see Edward, but in reality, I wouldn't have wanted him to see me in that condition. My illness didn't stop us from continuing our flirty text messages back and forth, though.<p>

On Friday, Sue called to see if I would come to a barbecue at the Clearwater's place the following day. It had been ages since I'd hung out with them and I really wanted to go, but I also knew I'd be answering a lot of questions. She told me that my dad would be there. So I figured, between him and Jacob, I'd have enough company that I could avoid too many questions.

I arrived at five, carrying a big bowl of potato salad. Jake saw me from the fire pit down by the water and ran up to greet me.

"Hey Bells," he said, flashing a grin and taking the bowl as we walked to the food table. "I'm really glad you're here."

"Me too," I said. "I've really missed this." I looked over the water, seagulls flying by, Seth and Leah splashing each other in the surf.

"Feeling better? Or should I keep my distance?" he teased.

"All better; no worries here."

He smiled and hugged me hard.

"All right, be easy on my little girl," I heard Charlie say.

Jacob released me and I turned to see my dad standing with Billy, beer in hand, flannel billowing in the breeze.

It was so good to see him. He'd moved to Forks when I graduated from high school. Even though it wasn't that far from Port Angeles, I still didn't see him enough. I gave him a warm hug. "I miss you, Dad."

"Miss you too, Bells." We stepped back a little awkwardly; we'd never been overly affectionate. "What've you been up to, kiddo?"

"Same old, same old." I knew he worried about me, especially since Emmett died.

"What do you mean, 'Same old, same old'?" Jake piped up. "Am I nothing to you, now?" he asked with a look of mock hurt. "Bells is helping out with the youth group."

Charlie grunted. Church wasn't his thing, but he never minded me being involved there.

"Well, I just started, I really haven't helped with anything yet."

Jake's large arm circled my neck and drew me into his chest, giving me a mildly painful noogie. "Oh, but you're going to be the cutest little youth staffer there ever was, Bells."

I struggled in his grip but he just laughed. So I grabbed the flesh around his waist and twisted.

"Ow!" he yelled as he released me and rubbed his sides. "Geez, you're getting vicious!"

I shrugged and smiled. "A girl's gotta know how to protect herself, Jake. Sorry," I said blithely.

Charlie smiled and nodded in agreement before taking a swig of his beer.

Just then Sue walked over with a tray of lettuce, slices of tomato and onion, and cheese for the burgers that were on the grill.

"Hey, sweet girl! So glad you showed up!"

"Thanks for inviting me," I said as she hugged me warmly. I was filling my quota for hugs really quickly.

"Why didn't you bring your fella?" she asked with a twinkle in her eye.

"Uh…" All eyes turned to me and Jake suddenly had to go check on something in the house. "I don't… He's not… I mean… We've only been on a couple dates; it's nothing serious."

Sue's dark eyes danced as she looked at me knowingly. "Mmm. Okay, well he seemed like a nice boy."

"Yeah, he does seem to be," I said before swiftly changing the subject. "So can I help you with anything?"

Charlie observed with an unaffected stare. I knew his wheels were turning.

Dinner was good and it was refreshing being around all these people again who were essentially my family. There was a lot of laughter and smiles all around and after we ate, Jake and I kind of gravitated to each other, as we often did.

We ambled away from the gathering, down to the beach and walked toward the setting sun.

"So… You and Edward dating now?" Jake asked, his hands shoved in his pockets, his eyes on the sand beneath our feet.

"We've been on a couple dates, but nothing serious."

He nodded. "And…you're ready to move on?"

I sighed. "I don't know if I'll ever really be ready. But I think it's time. I think it's just fear trying to hold me back now, and I can't let that be my only reason."

"I guess you don't need me anymore, huh?" He looked over at me, smiling.

I shook my head. "Jake, I'll always need you," I said, nudging his arm with my shoulder.

"Sure, sure. You've got Mr. Wonderful now; I bet I won't hear from you at all."

I didn't know why but all my emotions reared up and I felt the heat rising in my face. "Jacob!" I raised my voice and kicked water up at him.

He stopped in his tracks, dripping and sputtering, and suddenly I realized I'd made a mistake. "Oh, now you're gonna get it, Bells." He laughed and lunged at me, plowing me out into the water. I shrieked, trying to stay up, but Jake's momentum combined with the heaviness of the water made me lose my balance. As I fell backwards, I reached out and grasped at his shirt, but I only succeeded in knocking him off balance as well. I fell on my behind in the lapping waves, giggling and huffing in the cold water. Jacob fell just over me, supported on his arms but leaning close into my face.

I looked up, smiling, and saw the laughter in his eyes as we giggled together. Fat drops of water dripped from his eyebrows, streamed down his face, and made his hair look darker. It felt like old times. His smile faded and he hovered a beat longer than was friendly.

Then it felt like a different set of old times.

I heard a roar and, before I knew it, a breaker crashed over us, forcing us toward the beach. Jacob was knocked to the side and I was pushed onto my stomach, breaking the tension between us.

As the water receded, I looked up, swiping the hair out of my face and spluttering on salty water.

Jacob sat beside me laughing then stood to his feet and offered me his hand, pulling me up. He looked off toward the sunset for a moment and finally turned back to me. Slinging his arm around my shoulder, he said, "Come on, Bells. We should go sit in front of the fire and warm up."

I relaxed into him. I would never deserve his friendship. But I was going to have to be careful because I never wanted to hurt him.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I didn't see Edward at church and we didn't go out again over the next few days since he was working a lot with several overnight duty shifts on base. I was looking forward to the youth staff meeting at church on Thursday night before youth group as it would be the first time I'd see Edward since our date at Harry's Fish Fry.

I put a little extra effort into getting ready for the meeting. I had never been one to put a lot of work into my appearance, but I found myself checking and rechecking the mirror, running a brush through my hair about ten more times than necessary, and giving myself pep talks as I stared sternly into my own eyes.

My heart beat faster the closer I got to the church. My palms were sweating and my left knee bounced when my leg wasn't working the clutch. When I pulled into the parking lot, his car wasn't there yet. I took a deep breath and walked into the brightly painted youth group room. The sound of billiard balls, thwacking against each other, reverberated through the room as Sam and Paul circled the table.

Jacob was there too, laying out pizza boxes for dinner and a few others were putting sodas on the table.

"Hey, Bells!" Jake called happily, his ever-present smile stretching across his face. "Grab some pizza and snag a chair; we'll start in a few minutes."

"Thanks," I said, returning his smile.

I knew from the expression on his face the second that Edward walked in behind me. Jacob's smile dropped and his eyes hardened as he turned back to the table, picking up a plate to hand to me.

Butterflies filled my stomach as Edward's crooked grin lit up his face.

"Hey," he said, strolling over to where I stood.

"Hey," I replied with a shy smile.

Jake thrust a plate at Edward. "Yeah, so grab some food and sit down. We'll be starting any minute." Then he stalked away from us.

Edward's eyebrows rose a bit and I shrugged. We both walked over to the pizza boxes and grabbed a couple slices.

"How are you?" he asked, nudging me with his elbow. A whiff of fresh soap washed over my face and I noticed that his hair was a little wet behind his ears and around his collar. I wanted to touch it.

"I'm doing well, how about you?"

"Great," he said, brushing some of my hair over my shoulder, his fingers trailing over my collar bone as he went, leaving a trail of goosebumps.

Jacob cleared his throat loudly and called us all over to sit down and start the meeting. Edward and I got our sodas and he led me to a couch where we sat down. I wasn't anticipating that all the springs would be shot and we ended up slumping together in the middle. We scrambled to keep our drinks from spilling and, when we were settled, I looked up to see an expression on Jacob's face like I'd never seen before. All traces of mirth were gone as he leveled a dark glare our way.

I sat awkwardly, not wanting to look over at Edward or Jacob. But Jacob was leading the meeting, so I had to look his way at least every now and then to show I was involved. We discussed the upcoming trip to Fort Worden and the youth retreat at Lake Crescent. When Jacob asked for volunteers to plan the activities and games for the retreat, Edward spoke up.

"Bella and I can plan the games."

My cheeks flamed and I chanced a glance at Jacob's stony face.

"Good, glad that's taken care of," Jake said and then abruptly moved the conversation to another topic.

I looked over at Edward with incredulity at his presumptuous volunteering of our time but he only smiled and winked at me. And what was even more irritating was that I couldn't be angry with him. It only meant I got to spend more time with him.

I was glad when the meeting was over, which meant that the kids would be arriving soon. We quickly cleaned up the mess from dinner and got things ready. I kept my head down and pretty much avoided the awkwardness that was Edward and Jacob.

When people began to arrive, the games started in full swing. A bunch of guys were out shooting hoops, some were at the foosball table, others crowded around the pool table, and then, of course, girls stood around in groups, gossiping. Lauren and Tyler, the current _it_ couple, were making eyes at each other and staying just this side of appropriate in the public display of affection arena.

I spotted Angela across the room, standing with some other girls. Walking over, I said _hi_ to her and she greeted me with a warm hug that surprised me. I had only met her on one other occasion, but she seemed genuinely friendly. Just then, a fancy black car roared into the parking lot outside and took up two spots with a diagonal parking job. A blond boy got out, along with a girl who hung on his arm, and they strutted into the youth room.

"Ugh, here we go," Angela sighed.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Oh, that's Mike and Jessica," she began as Jessica bounced over to Lauren and gave her a showy hug. "Jessica and Lauren have been friends forever. Lauren's dating Tyler but Jessica's been crushing on _him_ since junior high. Everyone knows she's just using Mike to try and make Tyler jealous."

I tried to follow the dramatics. "If Tyler's with Lauren, then why would Jessica dating Mike make Tyler jealous?"

Angela looked over her shoulder at the four of them. Jessica was enthusiastically showing off a bracelet to Lauren. "Mike's dad is in city government here, pretty high up, I guess. But Mike's always had everything that Tyler wants. Tyler's dad is in logging or something. Jessica's just hoping that Tyler will want her because Mike has her," Angela said, rolling her eyes.

I noticed that Tyler just seemed like a regular guy. His clothes were nothing to speak of, his shoes worn and dirty, just an average kid. When he saw Mike and Jessica, he turned to Lauren, and then headed outside to shoot hoops with the other guys. Lauren talked to Jessica for a while but then went out to watch the basketball game.

"Hey Angela." A boy walked up shyly, with a smile on his face.

"Oh, hey, Eric."

The boy's smile widened and his eyes brightened at her greeting. "Listen, I'm supposed to be getting music together for Grad Night," he said swinging his iPod ear buds around nervously. "I was wondering if I could get your playlist?"

"Oh yeah, sure thing. I'll bring it to school tomorrow."

"Oh, okay. Sounds good…" He trailed off and then stood there, not quite meeting her eye.

"Hi Eric, I'm Bella," I said cheerfully.

"Hey," he said, then looking around, he mumbled that he had to go and took off.

I smiled at his shy attempt at being noticed and thought about all the interesting dynamics playing out among the teens. Had I been like that in high school? I didn't remember all this drama, but I'm sure it was there.

The rest of the evening was mostly enjoyable. Jacob's moods seemed to fluctuate rapidly and Edward continually shot me grins that made my stomach clench. Just as I was about to leave for the night, he came over to me as I stood by the door.

"So, your place or mine?" he asked, leaning his arm on the wall.

"I beg your pardon?"

His eyes widened in innocence. "For planning games for the retreat."

"Oh." I laughed nervously. "Uhh… I guess you could come to my place. I'll make us dinner and we can talk about it."

"Sounds good." He nodded. "Were you leaving?"

"Yeah, I need to get to bed. Gotta get up early for work and all."

He placed his hand on the small of my back and guided me out the door into the cool evening. It felt strange, like we were a couple or something, even though we had made no commitments.

"How about tomorrow night?" he suggested as we walked toward my truck.

"Uh, yeah sure. Why don't you come over around seven?"

"Till then, Brown Eyes," he said, leaning in and kissing my cheek oh so softly. "Be safe," he murmured in my ear.

I literally felt my knees go weak and my cheek tingled as he turned and headed back into the church.

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><p><strong>So... What do you think? Reviewers will get a little teaser - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :)<strong>

**And PLEASE check out the amazingly beautiful banners that Raggdoll of Twilight made for this story. They're posted on my profile and omigosh, I'm so in love with them!**

**Also, we still have family visiting. So far I've been able to be on time, and I'm still trying to keep it that way ****but you never know. Thank you!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**Early update, just because I feel like it. :D Love to you all!**

* * *

><p>I was a nervous wreck all day on Friday. It was a good thing the library wasn't too busy because I had a hard time focusing on my tasks, thinking about how Edward would be coming over to my house for dinner that night.<p>

What would I cook?

What would I wear?

_What would I cook?_

I sat at my desk, tapping my pen and staring at my computer screen, completely distracted from the pamphlet I was supposed to be creating for our new journal database, when Jasper strolled into my office.

"Bella, I need you to look into these information literacy assessment tools for the incoming freshmen," he said, dropping a stack of flyers on my desk. "Is everything okay?" His eyebrows pulled together as he made himself at home in the chair across the desk from me.

I gnawed the inside of my cheek and tried to keep my face void of emotion but really I was a jittering mess. "Yes, of course. Everything is fine, why?"

His chin dimpled as he contemplated my response. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because you've been working on that section of that pamphlet all day and don't appear to be any further ahead than when I was in here first thing this morning and that's not like you," he said with a playful smirk. "You've got something…or some_one_," his eyes widened, "on your mind."

"Jasper," I huffed. "You know you are the world's worst boss?"

He didn't respond except to continue staring at me. Then he raised one eyebrow in that ridiculous way of his that made him look like a cartoon villain – which was not quite the look I thought he was going for. Or maybe it was.

I dropped the pen I'd been chewing on. "Fine. Edward is coming for dinner tonight and we are planning activities for the youth group retreat."

"And Edward is…"

"Edward is the guy I've sort of been seeing. If you can call it that. We've been on two dates."

"Ahh, well that's great, Bella," he said. "Is this the same guy that was putting the moves on you at the reference desk?"

I felt my cheeks flame. "Uh, yeah. It is."

He nodded. "So…you like him?"

I stared at him for a moment. "I don't know, Jasper, I only just met him."

But again, he gave no response except that stupid eyebrow lift.

"Fine. Yes, I like him."

"You gonna make your Chicken Marsala?"

My brow furrowed. _My Chicken Marsala_? "What?"

"Don't you remember that night we studied for our Chem final together, junior year, and you made it?" I must have still looked confused; I certainly _felt_ confused. "I can't believe you don't remember it. It was life-changing for me." I rolled my eyes. But he continued. "Damn, Bella. I almost dropped to my knee and proposed to you right there. I figured I'd never find another girl who could cook like that."

My mouth popped open then I laughed. "Whatever, Jasper."

"No really." He nodded convincingly and stood up to leave. "So anyway, I really do need you to get me that information."

"Sure thing, boss," I said as he left. I was just about to pick up the flyers he'd given me when his head popped back in the door.

"Oh and Bella," he said quietly, almost conspiratorially. I looked up from the glossy page. "Trust me. Make the Marsala." And with a wink, he was gone, leaving me shaking my head.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I stopped by the grocery store to pick up the ingredients for dinner that night. Since I couldn't come up with anything better I decided to go ahead and make the Marsala. Then as an afterthought I picked up a box of brownie mix since I didn't have time to make something from scratch.

I ran home, threw the brownies in the oven, and quickly changed clothes before heading back downstairs to start the chicken in the sauté pan. While I did that I peeled and chopped potatoes and put them on the stove to make some mashed potatoes and I cleaned the green beans. The doorbell rang just as I was setting the table and I took a moment to fan my face as I was sure the heat from the kitchen had made it red as a tomato. Then I tried to pace my steps as I walked to the door, fighting the urge to hurry.

When I opened the door, I was surprised to see that Edward was not empty-handed. He looked slightly sheepish, holding a bouquet of several types of wildflowers. I recognized the foxglove; it was one of my favorite flowers. The rest were unknown to me, yet incredibly beautiful. As I ushered him in, a salty sea breeze that seemed to accompany him wherever he went whispered across my heated skin.

"Edward, you didn't have to bring me anything."

He shrugged. "They were beautiful, I couldn't help but think of you," he said, gracing my cheek with a kiss.

I took the flowers into the kitchen and had to search for a vase. It had been so long since I'd needed one… I pulled one down from the top shelf of the pantry and had to rinse off the accumulated dust. When I had the flowers in water, I placed it on the table and smiled. Then I headed back into the kitchen to finish dinner.

"It smells amazing in here," Edward said as he leaned against the counter.

I smiled up at him and turned to the stove to start the green beans and add the mushrooms to the chicken. "Thank you, I like to cook. Usually it's just me so there's no need for much of anything."

"Well, it's much better than I normally have, I'm sure," he said, laughing a bit.

I stirred the mushrooms around with the chicken, conscious of him standing just a few feet behind me. Suddenly, I was nervous and didn't know what to say. _Oh! I should offer him a drink._

But before I could, as if sensing my anxiety, Edward spoke up. "So tell me about why you wanted to be a librarian."

I thought back to my childhood spent in libraries and the wonderful little old ladies who had opened up new worlds to me with books. "Oh, I don't know. I always loved books. I spent all my free time in our public library growing up and I just loved it. There was always another world I could lose myself in or some interesting thing to learn," I said. "Something about the smell, the sounds, there's just something so wondrous about it all," I chattered on as I poured the wine around the chicken, the steam rising up from the pan and engulfing my face. "Then it was my favorite place to go when I was in college." Suddenly, I felt, rather than saw or heard, Edward step up close behind me and I continued rambling nervously. A bead of perspiration rolled down my neck. "I love being able to help students learn how to research and expand their – "

My ivory tower ramblings abruptly ceased when his finger slowly followed that trail of moisture, continuing over my shoulder, his other hand mirroring the action till they came to rest on my upper arms. I felt his lips, soft and wet on the crook of my neck and my breathing became labored. He lingered there and my eyes fell closed, then slowly, torturously slowly, he trailed open-mouthed kisses up behind my ear. My shoulders slumped and my head fell slightly to the side.

His fingertips tickled down my arms and his hands slid over top of my own that rested on either side of the stove, our fingers entwining. I was lost, hopelessly lost, and turning into a melted puddle of Bella. I couldn't have stopped him if I wanted to, which I most certainly didn't.

His lips left my neck and I felt his nose bury itself in my hair and he breathed in deeply, his chest expanding against my back. His heavy exhale tingled over my overly sensitized skin. I almost cried when his fingers released my own and he stepped back.

_No, don't stop, please don't stop._

But he did and when I gathered my wits and turned around, his eyes were dark, yet his smile was sweet.

I had to force myself to focus on what I was doing. I rationalized that it was probably for the best that he _had_ stopped. I wanted it way too much. I needed a second, I needed space. Exhaling in a ragged breath, and in a monumental feat of strength, I turned away from him and stepped over to the refrigerator. _Time to get that drink._ The light glared out at me and I studied its contents. "Would you like a beer?" I asked, not daring to look at him.

"Yes," he answered, his voice rough.

I pulled out two beers, opened them, handed one to him and stepped back to lean against the counter. Taking a swig from my bottle, I glanced up at him. His eyes were dark and trained on me. "I think dinner's ready," I said, going to get dishes to serve it up. As I passed him, his hand closed around my elbow and he leaned down till his nose brushed the shell of my ear.

"I can't wait," he whispered and a shiver ran down my spine.

My body vibrated with need and anticipation as we sat down to eat and when Edward took a bite of the chicken, he closed his eyes and groaned. "Dear Lord, Bella, this is amazing," he said, putting another piece in his mouth and making more sounds of enjoyment.

I guessed Jasper was right.

We ate in silence for a few minutes before Edward spoke up. "Okay, tell me the craziest thing you've ever had happen at your job. Do those call numbers ever get unruly? Do you ever have to smack that card catalog back in line?" His eyes twinkled; he was so pleased with himself.

"Hey, you'd be surprised at some of the stuff that happens in libraries."

"Crazy kids making out in the stacks?" he asked, as he sat back in his chair, his foot coming to rest against my own.

I didn't pull away. "Among other things."

"Like?"

"Like, well, yeah, we've had our share of perverts and crazies. I've called security more than a few times on stalkers and such," I said, trying to think of a good example. Unfortunately, my brain was still a bit paralyzed from his earlier attentions. "Well, I can never think of a good story when I'm on the spot, but this just happened the other day. I was sitting at the Reference Desk and this guy walked into the library in a long black trench coat and immediately goes upstairs. I don't think anything of it and I'm sitting there working and before too long I hear a commotion and someone running down the stairs. I look up to see this guy trying to conceal our massive ten inch thick dictionary that we use on display in his trench coat and running out the door with it."

"No!" he said in mock disgust.

"Shut up," I shoved his arm. "I don't know, it's just not everyday you see someone so desperate to steal a twenty-pound dictionary."

"You live a life of danger and intrigue, Miss Swan."

I sighed. "Okay, I know it's not as exciting as what you deal with, rescuing people every day, pulling them from the clutches of death." He smirked and I felt foolish for my ridiculous "tales from the field." "Fine, Mr. Hero on the High Seas, what is your best story?"

"Hmm…" His audible musing tickled in my stomach. "First of all, that's Lieutenant Hero on the High Seas," he chided.

"Oh, Lieutenant, excuse me," but even as I scoffed, a strange thrill ran through me at the title.

"Well, when I was stationed in Savannah, I knew a guy who'd gone out flying over the Okefenokee Swamp." As he said this he leaned forward and captured a tendril of my hair that was resting on my shoulder and started twirling it around his fingers. "When he came back to base his tire was completely shredded. Official word was he had no idea what happened. But the story got around that he had seen the biggest alligator he'd ever seen out there in the swamp and he decided to harass it. He hovered down low over the gator and it wasn't fazed. So he came down a little closer and still nothing." Edward was weaving a spell over me. His fingers brushed my collar bone as he twirled my hair and his voice lured me in. "So he hovered down even closer and tapped the gator on the head with the wheel. That got a reaction so he did this several times and finally the angry gator latched onto the tire and wouldn't let go. He ended up having to shake it loose by jerking the chopper all around."

I sat there just looking at him for a moment, trying to figure out if he was being serious. I also didn't want to move as long as his fingers were still in my hair. "That's quite the fish story, there, Edward," I said finally.

He shrugged. "That was the word around base. I can't say if it's true or not," he said with a smile as he dropped my hair and I immediately felt the loss of contact.

I watched as he stood to collect our plates and take them to the sink. "You don't have to do that," I said quickly. It made me a bit uncomfortable as memories of Emmett working at the sink, flitted across my mind.

"I don't mind," he said, his eyes crinkling.

I took a deep breath and consciously decided to allow his help. When he started rinsing the dishes, I got up and followed, putting a few brownies on a plate. I stole a furtive glance at his back and watched his muscles rippling under his shirt as he quickly scrubbed the dishes and put them in the drying rack. "Would you like some milk with your brownies?" I asked.

"Sure."

I poured us two glasses of milk and went to the fridge to put the milk away. Closing the door, I turned back around and gasped in surprise at his proximity. He had a dish towel draped over his shoulder with a few splatters of water on the front of his shirt. For some reason, it was incredibly sexy.

I wanted him to touch me.

He stepped into my space even more, till my back was against the cool refrigerator door, his green eyes darkening.

I couldn't stand it if he touched me.

His frame blocked the light and my heart beat overtime in my chest as I turned my face up to his.

If he didn't touch me I thought I might explode.

Leaning his arm casually against the fridge, he lowered his face to mine.

If he touched me I might combust.

His lips a breath away from my mouth, my eyelids drooped.

But mostly, it surprised me at how much I really _wanted_ his mouth on mine. I thought about what his lips had felt like on my neck and what they would feel like on my mouth and my chest tightened. It had been too long since I'd been properly kissed and Edward had lit a blazing fire in my belly that demanded more and more tinder for its consuming flames.

"Thank you for dinner, Bella," he whispered over my mouth. His nose bumped my own, brushing oh so slowly over the tip. His hot breath tickled my lips. "It was delicious."

My lungs burned and my eyes fell closed in anticipation and then… Nothing. The kitchen light brightened my closed eyes as he stepped away. My chest heaved deep breaths as I looked up at him, bewildered and more than a little turned on.

He was smiling and holding his hand out to me. "Should we get down to business and plan this retreat?"

Suddenly, it was all too much. I felt agitated, my body jittery with frustration. He had been luring me, teasing me, purposely getting me worked up and leaving me wanting all night. More than that – since we'd met. Frustration gave way to anger. And he still stood there with that smile that I wanted to erase from his irritatingly handsome face.

Turning my back on him, I actually heard him chuckle. I huffed, and began throwing brownies on the plate.

"What is your game, Edward?" I snapped, my chest tightening, my fingers tingling.

"Pardon me?" He had the nerve to sound surprised, which only enraged me further.

Emotions welled up and I couldn't hold back any more. "You're yanking me around!" I yelled. "I'm not a toy that you can play with and then put back on the shelf!" I was shaking and he looked stunned. "If that's what your goal is here, you can give it up right now. Just leave. Go home. I don't want to be your plaything."

His face fell and he raised his hands as though he were approaching a wild animal. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bella, that is not what is going on here."

"Isn't it?" I spat, fisting my hand in my hair and tugging. "You've been messing with me since we met! Teasing me, riling me up, doing everything you can to get under my skin." Hot tears pricked at my eyes and I released my hair, glaring up at him, willing him to understand. "I'm not just some widow you can mess with just because I'm lonely!"

He looked stricken, his eyes wide. "No, you're not," he said, shaking his head. "That's not what I think, that's not what I want."

My breath came in heavy gusts as I tried to calm down. I had never been an explosive person before and I was taken by surprise by the sudden eruption of emotion flowing out of me. I squinted my eyes, trying to withhold the brimming tears but failing as first one, then another, spilled down over my cheeks.

"Bella," he said, his voice hoarse. "Please, I'm so sorry. You're right, I was out of line. I don't want to yank you around."

"Then why are you doing it?" I asked, my traitorous lip quivering.

"You're right, I'm an idiot. I just thought… I knew you were hesitant. I didn't want to just go for it. I wanted to make sure you wanted it first," he said, shaking his head.

"So you teased me?"

"I… It was stupid," he said, his eyes looking pained. "It was thoughtless of me to play with your emotions, you've been through enough."

I looked up at his guilt lined face and he took a step closer. He reached out his hands and wiped away the escaped tears. "Please forgive me."

I was torn between slapping him, kissing him, and falling into his arms in a mess of sobs. Incredibly, I did none of those things, gulping my emotions down and nodding slightly.

His smile was tight. "Come on, let's go plan those games."

"I'm just going to get us some milk and bring the brownies. I'll be right there."

He squeezed my shoulder and turned to go to the living room.

Taking a few deep breaths, I followed him and put the brownies and milk on the coffee table then settled myself on the couch.

I could still feel the hot blood in my face and I breathed slowly, trying to calm myself down. The last thing I wanted was to look like more of a fool to him. I fumbled with the papers I had put on the table and picked up my pen. Out of my peripheral vision I saw him standing near the fireplace.

"So, what do you have in mind for games?" I asked as levelly as I could.

He didn't respond and when I peeked up at him from the corner of my eye I noticed he was looking at the pictures on the mantel. Specifically, he was focused on a picture of Emmett in his dress white uniform and me in my wedding dress, smiling and happy. All the heat drained from my face and was replaced by anxiety.

I cleared my throat just a little before breaking the awkward silence. "Uh, yeah. Emmett was in the service too, a rescue swimmer. That's actually…that's actually how I met him," I said. "I mean, I went to the Dungeness Crab and Seafood Festival on the pier and he was there doing an air/sea rescue demonstration. We just hit it off."

Edward looked back at me and then back at the picture. "What happened?"

"How did he die?" I asked, running my hand through my hair and taking a deep breath before letting it out slowly. "He was on duty overnight at the station. There was a violent storm. They got a call in the middle of the night. A sailboat was sinking. They went out for a routine rescue mission and they're not sure how it happened, but the chopper impacted with the water. They were all killed instantly," I said quietly, pushing the strands of carpet down with the toes of my shoes. Talking about Emmett and his death hurt, like it always did. But I was surprised that it didn't bring the same despair that I normally felt. The ache was there, but I knew no matter what happened, I would be okay.

The silence stretched out between us. I didn't quite know how to handle this moment. It was a little uncomfortable sitting here with these two men: the memory of my dead husband and…whatever Edward was to me, what I wanted him to be.

"You've been through so much," he murmured. His eyes met mine, transformed from the playful, seductive appearance they'd held in the kitchen. Now, they were a silent storm and I wondered what he saw when he looked at me. He cleared his throat, his shoulders tense. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he sat in the chair across from me. "Right, so I was thinking," he said his voice tight and even. "Kids still like Capture the Flag, don't you think?"

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

The rest of the evening had been strange. We brainstormed ideas and I wrote them down. Our conversation was stilted and planning was difficult. Just moments before we'd been sparking, the air around us alive with attraction and unspoken sexual tension. Even my anger and his teasing had burned between us. But as we ate our brownies and planned games, the distance was palpable. At first, I was paranoid that my explosive behavior had put him off. But he had begged forgiveness, claiming all the blame. The more I thought about it, the more I became irritated with him for his sudden shift in demeanor. Was my past just too much for him? Did the ghost of my husband's memory finally push him away? What did he expect? That he'd never find evidence of the previous man in my life?

But then I began questioning how much of our problem was because of my behavior. Had I turned inside myself, not sure how to balance the two men, causing the awkwardness between us? And the more I thought about it, the more my thinking perpetuated my actions. I knew I had withdrawn; I was obsessing over how Edward might be feeling about the picture and about my marriage. And I was still frustrated with Edward for toying with me and then pulling away.

Despite our stilted communication, we were finally able to decide on activities for the retreat. When we were through, he smiled at me and said goodnight, placing one chaste kiss on the top of my head and walking out the door.

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><p><strong>So... What do you think? <strong>

**Reviewers will get a little teaser - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**So, early update again. Happy Friday, everyone!**

* * *

><p>After Edward left on Friday night, I thought about how quickly his mood had shifted when I told him about Emmett. I knew I had become really awkward, and I really didn't know who had initiated the distance between us, but it had definitely been there. Perhaps he was simply giving me space, not wanting to push me as I talked about my husband, in light of my accusations of him messing with my emotions.<p>

As quickly as my irritation with him had arisen when he teased me, it subsided after he'd apologized. I had come to really care about him and I couldn't stay angry with him. Besides, I truly believed he was sorry. I _had_ been really gun shy and, though his logic was a bit twisted as he'd obviously not thought through it very well, I could believe what he said. That he had been trying to coax me out of my shell, get me warmed up to the idea, and make sure that I wanted the kiss before pushing further.

I went to church on Sunday night with Rose. When she asked me how things were going with Edward, I said, "Fine." I wasn't ready to talk about what had happened when he'd come over, especially since I wasn't really sure what was going through his head.

Edward wasn't at church that night; he was probably on duty. I was surprised at how disappointed I was at his absence and at how thinking of him on duty weighed me down with an unwelcome case of prickly anxiety.

Did I really want to get involved with another man for whom I'd lay awake worrying at night?

And perhaps most astonishingly, I realized that despite the baggage that came along with his career, I did want to be involved with Edward. There was more to him than just the cocky façade and I wanted to know that part. I wanted to know what made him tick, what caused his eyes to crinkle with laughter, and what it felt like to kiss him. I wanted to know the sweet man whom I'd caught glimpses of on occasion. I wanted to know what had made him choose such a selfless profession and what it was in him that made him want to work with the youth at church. More and more I was beginning to believe that there had to be a gold mine of beautiful man underneath the surface of…a beautiful man.

Suddenly, I remembered where I was: sitting in church next to Rose. She was tapping her pen on her lips, thoughtfully listening to the pastor, then writing notes in the margin of her Bible. Even though no one knew my internal wanderings, I felt a bit like a child who'd been caught daydreaming in class. _I should probably try to pay attention, maybe I could better my life if I put some effort into it._

The pastor was talking about running in a race and endurance in our lives. I didn't feel like I had any endurance. I was just kind of living for the next thing so that I could then move on to the next, taking it a step at a time. Maybe that's what he meant. After all, that's really what runners did. They won the race one step at a time. Maybe I just needed to be stronger: the power of positive thinking and all that?

Emmett had believed. He was always positive. So maybe if I just believed that my life would all work out, it would. I took a deep breath. Vaguely acknowledging to myself that I was barely listening to the pastor again, I resolved to think positively.

Things _would_ work out. I just had to believe.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

Monday and Tuesday passed with no word from Edward. It was odd. If nothing else, he usually at least sent me a flirty text every couple of days and I'd kind of become used to it. I was starting to get a bit nervous, but was determined to stay upbeat. I knew what schedules could be like for officers. He was likely working long days and nights and was probably exhausted in the hours he did have off. I'd wait at least another day and if I still hadn't heard from him, I'd text him.

Jacob called me the next day. "Hey Bells, sorry to bother you at work, but you still hadn't let me know if you can make it on the Fort Worden trip in a couple weeks?"

"Oh…right. I'm sorry, I've just been busy." This wasn't entirely true; a more accurate word would have been _preoccupied_.

"Sure, I understand how it is," he said, not sounding as understanding as he normally did. "Anyway, I'm just working out the details. I need to make sure we have enough adults for the trip."

"Oh, yeah. Um, that should be fine," I agreed.

We hung up and I wondered if Edward would be going on the trip. I still had heard nothing from him, so I started a text message to him. This was the first time I'd initiated contact with him and it felt a little odd. I laughed at myself when I realized how accustomed I'd become to him seeking me out.

_Hey, Lieutenant, you been busy rescuing poor lost souls in peril?_

I smiled as I hit send and held my phone, half expecting a rapid response. But the light on my phone's display went dim and then off all the way and after a moment he still hadn't texted back so I shrugged and put the phone down, grudgingly getting back to work.

I was startled when Jasper poked his head in. "Bella! Aren't you coming to the faculty meeting? They're introducing the new Academic Dean."

"Oh, yeah, I'll be right there. Save me a seat, will you?"

He nodded and was gone.

With the exception of putting in some face time, albeit among a sea of other faces, with the new Academic Dean, the meeting was a pretty big waste of time. This was not a surprise as most meetings are designed as such. But as I sat watching the presentation put on by the Marketing Department about the potential new logo for the school, I couldn't help but allow my mind to wander to Edward. I smiled thinking about how I'd likely have a message from him when I got back to my office and my foot bobbed impatiently at the end of my crossed leg. Jasper shot me an annoyed look when I started tapping my pen on the table and I sheepishly wrapped the pen in my fist to keep from doing it again.

I returned to my office after the meeting, feeling like a teenager, nearly giddy with the chance of hearing from Edward. I snatched up my phone, and grinned when I saw the text message icon lit up. But when I opened it, I saw it was from my Dad. My heart sank as I opened it.

_Hey, kiddo. Mind if I invite myself over on Sunday? It'd be good to see you._

I felt guilty when I thought about Charlie. We were both pretty reserved and since everything that happened with Emmett, I'd closed myself off even more. How terrible was it that my own dad felt he had to invite himself over? And that I was disappointed to hear from my dad rather than my – than Edward.

_Of course, Dad. You know I'd love to see you and you never have to ask. Why don't you come by around noon and I'll cook for you. _

It wasn't till later that night that I heard back from Edward.

_Hi, Bella, I'm sorry I've just been really busy at work._

I frowned at his reply. There was no hint of flirtation, no cocky jokes. But since I was adopting my new positive thinking outlook, I suppressed the insecurity that he was pulling away and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was likely just tired from working long hours.

I heard nothing more from him and I was looking forward to seeing him at youth group on Thursday night. But when I arrived at the church he wasn't there. My feet scuffed along the gravel as I walked in. Jake's bright smile greeted me, which only made me feel worse.

"Hey, Jake," I said as he gave me a hug and I glanced around.

He beamed down at me. "Hey, Bells."

I decided I should probably get my head in the game. Maybe it was good that Edward wasn't there. I wasn't there to flirt anyway. "So what's on the agenda tonight?"

He crossed his beefy arms and rocked back on his heels. "Well, the first half hour is just hanging out, then we do a game or two, then we have the message time, then we hang out again till it's time to go home."

"Sounds good," I said, forcing a smile.

Jacob and I played foosball. I then spent some time watching people – I noticed that the new guy, Ben, seemed to be trying to get Angela's attention, much to Eric's frustration – I watched the dynamics play out before me, just trying to figure them out. We played an ice breaker game that involved blindfolds and baby food, but all along I was watching the door, wondering if Edward would show up. I tried not to be nervous or needy or disappointed or anything else. But my positive thinking was faltering and I was beginning to believe that the distance between us was not imagined.

After Jacob's message I went outside to watch the basketball game. There were several guys shooting hoops but mainly Tyler and Mike were running the game, testosterone and sweat rolling off of them. Lauren and Jessica stood to the side cheering on their respective boyfriends and I stood a bit away from them as the pounding of the ball and grunts of the guys bounced off the pavement.

In between their cheers, Jessica was flaunting the fact that Mike had taken her out on an expensive date to the Space Needle. She prattled on and on and Lauren seemed to be ignoring her the best she could.

Tyler went in for a lay-up and, landing back on the court, he scoffed, "Yeah, I hear Space Needle food is crap."

Jessica's chattering stopped.

"You would have to rely on what you hear, Tyler," Mike jeered, catching the ball and glaring.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

The game was now officially at a standstill as the guys faced off.

"Nothing, just that your idea of a nice date is jumping in your dad's ghetto F150 and motoring down to the Dairy Queen."

Lauren and Jessica appeared to be holding their breath as they watched the impending conflict with wide eyes. I also seemed to be completely unable to do anything to prevent the situation from deteriorating further.

"Shut your friggin' mouth, Newton!" Tyler seethed, stepping right into Mike's face.

But Mike didn't back down. "Why don't you make me?"

Finally, I snapped out of it. "Hey! Guys, cool it!" I yelled as I ran over, not able to think except that I needed to get them apart. I squeezed myself in between their sweaty bodies. I was nearly caged in as Mike crowded over my shoulder, still taunting and I put my hands on Tyler's chest and shoved. I would have been completely powerless against him except that he willingly stepped back, his jaw and fists clenched in masculine fury.

I heard the scuffle of feet as others rushed out on the court. Jacob stood to the side, his hands on each boy's shoulder. "Come on guys, step back. Bella, get out of there."

I was just about to comply when Mike bumped me hard from behind as he got in his last shot.

"Maybe if you save your pennies, working down at the car wash, you can take your girl somewhere special…"

Tyler's nostrils flared and a vein bulged in his forehead.

"Like the IHOP," Mike grunted.

A large fist rapidly flew toward me and I flinched, only to hear the sound of skin pounding skin in front of my face. When I peeked my eyes open I saw that Jacob had caught Tyler's fist just before it followed through to Mike's face over my shoulder. Instantly, I felt Mike pulled from my back and Jacob hooked his arms through Tyler's and dragged him off.

My heart was in my throat as the sounds of grunting and scuffling on pavement could be heard in the night air. I turned around to see Sam dragging Mike to the parking lot while Lauren and Jessica bickered back and forth.

"Girls, can it!" I said, exasperated. Their icy glares said it all as to how they were feeling about me.

Jacob and Sam got the guys calmed down and sent them home, which took Lauren and Jessica out of the picture as well.

"Bella," Jacob said as he approached me while I was standing against the outside wall. "What were you doing getting in between those guys? You could have been hurt!" He frowned at me.

I sighed heavily. "Sorry, I had to do something, I didn't think they'd hurt me. And I'm okay, Jacob."

He shook his head and put his hands on his hips. "Don't put yourself in harm's way like that again, okay?"

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I knew he was right, I probably should have run and found him but I hated being the weak female. I'm not so fragile that I couldn't have survived if it had become a little rough.

_I've lived through worse._

He exhaled and stared at the pavement. "Go home, Bells. Get some rest. I'll see you later," he said, wrapping me in a hug.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

Saturday night, I went to the grocery store to buy a few things for the next day's dinner with Charlie. I was looking forward to spending some time with him since I really hadn't seen much of him lately.

As I browsed through the aisles, I thought about Edward's sudden absence. I had texted him one more time and he had had to work, which was why he missed youth group. He also mentioned that he was working all weekend long and hoped to _see me around_. My optimism was waning.

He was definitely pulling away. I just wished I knew why. And I wished that it didn't hurt so much.

I filled my cart with Charlie's favorites: steak, potatoes, french bread for making garlic bread, apples to make apple crisp, and I even snuck in some spinach. I took my purchases to the check-out line and put them on the conveyor belt. When I looked up, I was surprised to see a mess of reddish brown hair in the line next to mine. I guessed he had gotten out of work, after all. His face was down as he searched through his wallet. He swiped a card, then, raising his head, his eyes met mine.

I smiled; it was a question. But he stood as if paralyzed; unable to move, unable to speak. Finally, he blinked his eyes and one corner of his mouth turned up. But it wasn't his usual confident smile; it was uncertain. He looked…almost fearful. He picked up his grocery bag and gave me a friendly salute.

"Excuse me, miss, that'll be $23.14, please," the cashier said, politely trying to get my attention.

I looked quickly back at her. "Oh right, just a moment." I reached into my purse to get my card and when I looked back up at Edward, he had turned and was walking away. I stood gaping at him, his posture rigid as he walked out the automatic door into the night. The corners of my mouth dropped as I stood, realization dawning. He didn't have to work. He lied to prevent the awkwardness of avoiding me.

My face burned as I paid for my groceries and walked out to my truck in a daze. I was _confused_. I was _angry_. I was _humiliated_. I was…_hurt_.

I _would_ think I'd been played, but nothing physical had ever happened between us. I sat in the parking lot, my knuckles turning white as my fingers gripped the steering wheel.

Why? _Why_ had he pursued me so hard and then suddenly stopped? Pressure built in my chest. Had he decided I wasn't worth the trouble? Did my outburst of frustration turn him off?

I wanted to confront him in person, but I realized I didn't even know where he lived. I glared out at the street light illuminating the parking lot. How serious could this have been if I didn't even know where he lived? Despite what he'd said, was I in fact a toy to him that he had already tired of?

I drove home with tears pricking my eyes. I thought back over our interactions. There had been no commitments between us. Nothing solid. He never made any promises. But his actions spoke loudly enough. If he wasn't after something more, if he hadn't wanted a relationship, then what _did_ he want?

And if he had _really_ been toying with me, why wouldn't he have attempted to get what he wanted before ditching me? It didn't even appear that he wanted to get me in bed as some macho notch on his belt.

If he didn't really want me, why didn't he just admit it when I confronted him at my house? Why didn't he just say he was sorry and leave? Instead he had told me I wasn't just a game to him. He begged my forgiveness. He'd been tender, wiping my tears away.

So _what_ was it?

I hefted my groceries inside and decided I wasn't going to just sit around and guess. I was tired of taking my cues from him. I picked up my phone and dialed his number, white hot indignation bolstering my courage.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

Four rings.

AND voicemail… _Of course_ it went to voicemail.

But I didn't even get his voice. He hadn't set up his mail box. An automatic message came on, instructing me to leave a message. I hung up, grabbed a package of Double Stuff Oreos, which thankfully I'd thrown in my shopping cart on a whim, and began furiously dunking them in milk and popping them in my mouth.

After I'd consumed a full third of the package without even really realizing it, my fury reduced to a simmer on the back burner and desolation filled me.

Rejection. That's what this was. All of Edward's actions had been coaxing me, pushing me, seducing me to open up, to feel, to trust. _And now?_ _Now he was just tossing me aside._

I went to sleep that night, angry at the tears that insisted on streaming onto my pillow. Angry that I had let myself be fooled by a man I never should have trusted.

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><p><strong>*Peeking between my fingers* So... What do you think?<strong>

**Reviewers will get a little teaser - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**So, early update again. You can thank LJ for that. She gave a special dispensation of beta-ing for a specific section on very short notice! She beta-d the rest too, but this was like a new edited section and she was super fast! Love her!**

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><p>Charlie sat across from me, enjoying his steak and potatoes. Neither one of us had said much since he'd arrived. I pushed my spinach around my plate, contemplating this man who I was so much like. I had his eyes, his smile, his dry sense of humor, and his reticent demeanor.<p>

Taking a deep breath, my eyes glued to the vinaigrette that coated the spinach leaves, I asked the question that I'd secretly wondered for some time. "Dad, do you think you'll ever get remarried?"

His eyebrows rose and his mustache twitched as he finished his bite and wiped his mouth with his napkin. Setting his fork down and straightening in his chair, he laughed nervously. "I don't know, Bells, why do you ask?"

Was I destined to be like him? Alone?

I shrugged. "Just wondering."

"Is this about that boy you're dating? Edward?"

"How did you know his name?"

"I'm not the chief of police for nothing." He smiled, then relented. "Sue told me."

"Oh, of course. And we're not dating. We just went on a couple dates," I said. "Anyway, I don't think it's going to work out."

He regarded me quietly, then took another bite of his steak.

I chewed the side of my lip. Then in a rare moment of transparency with my father – even if I did leave out the most important reason why it wouldn't work out – I continued, "I just don't know if I can open up to someone again."

He leaned forward, a look of concern crossing his features. He let out a long slow breath, just watching me. I fidgeted under his gaze. "You know, I don't regret my relationship with your mother."

I dropped my eyes. Memories of him fighting with my mom flooded back and a sense of how it must have been for him crept into my heart. It was something that had always played on the edges of my mind but I never allowed to develop. It was too painful to really realize his pain and devastation without caving under the weight of it. My husband had wanted me. He died, but he had loved me. Charlie had to live with the knowledge that Mom didn't want him. She didn't love him. I thought I had trust issues.

He waited till I looked up again. "Without her, I wouldn't have you."

Tears stung my eyes and I smiled. "How did you do it, Dad?"

He shrugged. "Well, I had you. I had to keep going."

A pang squeezed my heart. Emmett had always dreamed of children and sharing our lives with them. It was my one regret: I hadn't given him that. The possibility of a long bleak existence stretched out before me and hung around my neck like an albatross. I had no one.

"Trusting someone is scary, sure. It's scary as hell. And sometimes, you get burned. But something good always comes of it. And you can't regret it. And when that opportunity comes, you've got to take it, consequences be damned."

We shared a somber look before he cleared his throat and went back to cutting his steak.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

The next week went by and I tried not to think about Edward. I didn't see him at all after that moment at the grocery store. I had completely given up hope of hearing anything from him and I didn't try to contact him again. I did what I always did, I threw myself into my work. Only this time, I stubbornly held to my belief that if I just stayed positive, life would all work out somehow. However, despite my attempt at being optimistic, feelings of longing and anger surfaced at the most inopportune times. Like when I snapped at Jasper when he suggested that I head up the Learning Resources Committee for the following academic year. Or when I was on the phone with the car insurance company, looking for the title of my truck. I came across the flag that had been draped over Emmett's casket and broke down in gasping sobs. The agent suggested with a stutter that I call back at a more convenient time.

The day of the Fort Worden trip was gloomy, the heavy marine layer darkening the sky. In my opinion, that was the best way to experience the haunting bunkers built at the end of the nineteenth century and used by the U.S. military through the early 1950s.

I pulled up to the church to see that many of the kids had already arrived. There were two fifteen-passenger vans and a few youth staff already assembled. Since I hadn't seen Edward at church or youth group for a couple weeks, I didn't expect him to be there but, as I parked my truck, I saw that he was standing in the middle of the group of kids. Insecurity twined around my lungs and anchored in my belly. Even though I had once wanted to confront him, I decided then that I would not make a fool of myself whining and asking what had gone wrong. I reminded myself that if he was in fact a jerk or if he just couldn't deal with my baggage, it was better that I found out when I did instead of allowing myself to get further involved with him.

I joined the group of people standing in the parking lot, studiously avoiding Edward's eyes. Jake was looking at a clipboard and marking people off a list as they arrived. When he saw me, his eyebrows pinched together and he glanced over at Edward. I crossed my arms and waited for instructions.

The kids were anxious to get on the road, mostly happy and excited about the trip. There was still obvious tension between Mike and Jessica and Tyler and Lauren. I also noticed that Eric stood off to the side a bit while Angela chatted happily with Ben. When everyone had arrived, Jacob told them all to get in the vans. I rode in the van Jacob was driving. Naturally, Edward rode in the other van.

The hour-long drive to Fort Worden in Port Townsend was full of boisterous laughter and chattering. Jacob taunted and teased the kids and they gave it back to him. There were stories told and friendly gossip spread. By the time we reached the park and everyone poured out of the vans, they were ready to explore. I stayed next to Jacob as he gave out directions and instructed everyone to have fun, stay safe, stay in groups of three or more if they were going to stray from the group and that we would all meet at 11:00 to go to the bunkers up on the hillside where we would have lunch.

Jake smiled at me and took off toward the bunkers as the kids scattered. I watched as some tagged along with Jake, some headed in the direction of the lighthouse, while Edward went with Eric, Ben, Angela, and a couple other guys inland toward the old Generals' homes and the barracks. I was just about to start off toward the lighthouse when Angela called out to me.

"Bella! Come with us!"

I stood, trapped in place. I didn't particularly want to be in Edward's company. "I was just going to go to the lighthouse," I called back at her.

"Oh, come on," she wheedled. "I need another girl to go with." Her smile appeared brighter compared to Edward's frown and I decided I wouldn't let his actions dictate where I went or with whom.

I threw my shoulders back and started over to their group. "Yeah, okay, that would be fun," I said with a smile.

Edward shoved his hands in his pockets and glared out at the water. We walked up the hill and down the street, looking at all the stately white buildings with green trim that housed the barracks and other offices.

"You know, this is where they filmed that old movie, _An Officer and A Gentleman_?" Angela said. The boys all looked at her, clearly not knowing what she was talking about. "You know, with Richard Gere?" Blank stares. She laughed. "Never mind."

As we walked, Angela and Ben flirted while Eric sulked. We passed by the elegant Victorian homes owned by the generals during war time.

"Have you guys ever toured these homes?" I asked. They all shook their heads. Except Edward, who was studying the cracks in the sidewalk as we went. "Oh, you guys should do that someday. They're amazingly beautiful inside."

Angela was excited, peppering me with questions about their interior, the furniture, if they'd been renovated, etc. While the guys just kind of kept up, getting antsy to see the bunkers and gun emplacements.

We started to head back down the hill so they could go see what they were really excited about when Angela looked off to the side and noticed a lone structure that looked a bit like a miniature castle. "What's that?" she asked.

I had never noticed it before on my many trips to the Fort and the guys begrudgingly allowed themselves to be derailed for a moment to walk over and see it. It was really kind of pretty and quite different from any of the other buildings, with its brick construction and turret-like top. We walked a circle around it as it was not large at all. Then Angela noticed a plaque, describing its history.

_John B. Alexander served as a rector at St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Port Townsend from 1882-1886. In 1883, he acquired 10 acres of land near Point Wilson and constructed the building known as Alexander's Castle. Alexander intended the building to serve as a home for himself and his bride. Traveling to Scotland, Alexander found that his bride-to-be had married another. He returned to Port Townsend alone and used the building as a temporary residence. The property was acquired by the federal government in 1897 and construction of Fort Worden began that same year._

"Oh, that's so tragic," Angela breathed. "After all that, his love chose another."

I was a bit stunned, taking in this sad story, this monument to broken dreams and unfulfilled love in the midst of an historic military base. I couldn't believe I'd never noticed it here before. Blinking my eyes against the cool breeze that blew in from the water, I looked up to see Edward staring at me, his eyes so intense it momentarily took my breath away. He held my gaze for a moment and then turned to look out at the water again. _What could possibly be going through his head?_

We walked back down to the water. It was kind of funny to watch the interactions between Eric, Ben, and Angela. She was so adorably clueless to the fact that both boys were smitten with her.

"Yeah, I play the sax in jazz band," Ben said, clearly proud of his accomplishment.

Angela's warm eyes lit up. "Wow, that's really great, Ben! I play the oboe. I mean, I know it's not anywhere near the same, but I've always loved it!"

Ben was about to continue when Eric cleared his throat and got his best pick up line in there. "I actually created a computer game for class last year where the princess plays a magical oboe in order to find her way into faerie land," he said in a rush, pushing his glasses up his nose.

All eyes turned to him and as he looked around at everyone, he blushed and looked back at the sidewalk.

Angela blinked. "That's…really something, Eric," she said. "It's kind of amazing that you know how to make a computer game."

He didn't look up from the ground as he shrugged and smiled a little half smile. Oh, the poor guy was just so lost. My heart hurt for him as I didn't see him being able to get it together enough to ask Angela or anyone else out anytime soon.

Ben piped up again. "That's cool, man," he said. "So anyway, Angela, a few of us guys from jazz band are going to be playing at The Cracked Bean next Friday. Do you want to come out and watch and then maybe get a cup of coffee afterwards?"

"Oh, that would be a lot of fun!" she enthused. "I'd love that, thank you!"

Eric's shoulders slumped and when we got back to the parking lot, he wandered off, looking dejected. Edward went after him and my heart warmed infinitesimally when I saw him walk over and put his arm around the boy's shoulders. Then I was frustrated all over again. I knew he wasn't a bad guy but it was easier to _believe_ he was a bad guy rather than consider that he might have rejected me because I had somehow come up short.

It was almost time to meet to hike up the bluff to see the bunkers up on the hillside so I went over to our meeting place and sat down to watch the wind dance in the trees. Before long, Jacob ambled over and plopped down next to me on the grass. He leaned back on his hands and stared up at the sky.

"So, what's the deal with you and Masen?" he asked quietly.

I plucked a few blades of grass and threw them away from me. "Nothing. There is no deal."

He looked over at me, his dark eyes discerning. "What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything. I told you before we weren't anything serious."

"Bells," he warned. "I've known you forever. And there's something up with you. And him."

I could see that he was really trying to be as impartial as possible, even though I knew he hated the idea of me and Edward together. I smiled; he really did care about me above and beyond his own personal feelings. I didn't deserve him. "Nothing, Jake. It just didn't pan out."

"He's a jerk. He better not have hurt you. Just say the word and he's not welcome back to youth group, Bells."

I sighed. "Just let it be. I am. He's fine. I'm fine," I lied. "We're adults. Nothing happened, it just didn't pan out."

Thankfully, he dropped it. We sat quietly, listening to the waves on the shore and the seagulls constant screeching.

"Remember the last time we were here together?" Jake asked teasingly, leaning over and bumping my shoulder with his arm. "That was my first kiss. Yours too, if I recall." I laughed. "I couldn't have asked for a better first," he said.

I chewed my lip and looked out at the water. "Yeah, you weren't too bad."

"Not too bad? Not too bad? Oh, Bella, if it weren't inappropriate here in front of these teenagers, I'd have you pinned to the ground, begging for mercy as I tickled you till you couldn't breathe."

I smiled over at him. "Guess I'll just have to make sure I have some underage chaperones with me at all times whenever I'm around you, then."

He ruffled my hair just as the rest of the group started filtering over to us.

Edward and Eric were the last to join the group and we set off to climb the hill. The trail was steep and it was wet since it had rained the night before. The kids chatted and teased each other about the likelihood of being mauled by a bear or cougar.

I was sidestepping a pad of slick mud when I heard Lauren's screechy voice rising above the generally amiable sounds of the group.

"Tyler! You're so stupid! You can't just eat anything you see! How do you know it's not poisonous?"

I looked up to see Tyler munching on little red berries and Lauren's red face as she yelled at him. On closer inspection, I saw that they were harmless huckleberries.

"It's all right, you guys. They're just huckleberries," I said, reassuringly.

Lauren made no attempt to hide her disdain. "How would you know?"

"All right, that's enough," I heard Edward say.

I breathed in through my nose before responding. "I know because I grew up in these woods. Those are huckleberries. They're perfectly harmless."

Jessica put one hand on her hip. "She's right. We always made pies and jams out of them." Then she gave Tyler a coy smile. "We eat them out on the trail all the time."

Now both Lauren and Mike looked angry.

_Oh, brother. _

Edward walked past me and over to the group. "Keep on moving, you guys. We've got more bunkers to see," he said as he walked up the trail. My eyes drifted down to his backside as he climbed.

Good Lord, he was fine.

_He's a jerk. He's a jerk. He's a jerk._ I repeated over and over to myself, not completely believing it.

When we got to the top of the hill, we all sat down to eat. The kids sat in groups, pulling out their bag lunches and sharing foods with each other. I sat with Jacob and Sam and dug into my turkey sandwich. Edward was with some other kids. I did my best not to stare longingly at Edward while joining in Jake and Sam's conversation. I noticed Edward looking at me a couple times, but he always looked away quickly.

"I'm surprised nobody puked on the way," Sam laughed. And immediately, I knew what was coming. Sam never passed up an opportunity to remind me of my humiliation. "Hey, remember that time you got so sick on that road trip, Bella?"

One summer, Jake, Sam, a couple other guys and I went on a trip down the coast. I had been in the back of the car, squished between Jake and Sam's large sweaty bodies with no air conditioning and it was really hot. I started to get nauseated, and ended up vomiting all over Jacob's lap in the back of the car.

Jacob sighed. "All right, no need to relive that," he said, smiling at me.

My face flamed and, when I looked away from Jake and Sam, I saw that Edward was staring at me. I dropped my eyes and quietly ate the rest of my lunch.

After we all finished our food, people started getting up to go explore the bunkers.

"Remember to stay in groups of at least three!" Jacob called.

I decided to hang around to see if anyone needed me while people split up into groups and headed in different directions. I sat down on a low wall of one of the batteries when I saw Lauren and Tyler sneaking off, just the two of them into a concrete passageway. I stood up to follow and went into the narrow opening in the wall. There were steep steps that went down a ways and turned. They had already disappeared into the depths of the bunker. I pulled out my flashlight and started down.

The passageway was dank and there was graffiti all over the walls. As I wound further down I reached another level with passageways and rooms going in multiple directions. With the exception of the beam from my flashlight, it was pitch black. Hushed voices and giggling echoed around but it was nearly impossible to tell which way it came from.

"Lauren? Tyler?" I called out.

Their voices immediately stopped and I could hear the scuffing of their shoes as they ran. I sighed and picked the direction that I thought the sounds were coming from. I walked carefully. I knew the kinds of things that went on in these buried buildings. I passed crushed beer cans and old burnt spoons. Before long, I came to another split where I had the option of choosing three directions. I hadn't heard any noises in a few minutes and I was beginning to think I wouldn't find them. I went right, thinking that it was the most likely route to the surface but I only found myself winding along more passageways with more litter and the occasional occult graffiti.

I heard a scampering behind me and I turned quickly to see what it was. Unfortunately, I took my eyes off the path in front of me and failed to notice the set of concrete steps that went down into another room. With a startled cry, I fell forward in the dark, my arms flailing trying to catch myself. The side of my ribs hit a sharp corner of a stair and I tumbled. My flashlight fell out of my grasp, sounding out a sharp crack against the concrete and the light went out. I wasn't sure how far I fell, but when I finally landed on my shoulder, hip, and head on the cold, moist floor, everything hurt. Sharp pain shot through my ribcage with every breath I took and my ankle throbbed an angry rhythm. Reverberations expanded and contracted in my skull and I groaned, rolling onto my back.

I took a few moments just catching my breath and assessing my situation. When the sound of blood rushing in my ears receded, I realized that I could hear nothing but the small retreating sounds of the mouse or rat that had initially startled me and a distant drip of water from another room a ways off. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket but when I flipped it open, there was nothing, no light. I could feel that the screen had been shattered from the impact and I futilely pushed the power button, hoping against hope that it would still turn on. No luck. Gingerly, I turned on my stomach and pushed up on my hands and knees, panting from the effort and the pain. Staying in that position, I shuffled around, carefully feeling for my flashlight. I cringed when my hand slid into a puddle of what I hoped was water. Eventually, I found my flashlight. But it was hopeless, completely broken. With my eyes wide open, I brought my hand up to my face. I could see nothing; the darkness was all-consuming.

I tried to stand on my feet, but a shooting pain shot through my ankle and up my leg and I cried out. It would not support me. Huffing and panting I crawled around, trying to find the staircase I'd just fallen down. I finally found it but not before my face smashed into the wall a couple times. The effort from just crawling a few feet made me woozy.

With intense pain and effort, I clambered and climbed laboriously back up all ten steps. I counted as I went. When I finally reached the top, I was breathing heavily and nausea filled my stomach, pressure rising in my throat. I collapsed over on my side at the top of the stairs to rest for a just a bit. There was no way I'd be able to crawl my way out of here in the dark. There had been too many twists and turns, staircases and echoing passageways.

"Hello!" I yelled into the blackness, hoping someone would hear me. The dripping sound was my only response. "Hello!" I called again. But these fortresses were vast and the others could be anywhere. I tried to get back up on my knees but, oh, my head throbbed and dizziness and nausea made it impossible.

_Maybe I'll just lie here till they find me… _

I wrapped my arms around my body, trying to ward off the cold and listened to the steady dripping in the distance.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"Bella! Bella! Wake up!" The voice was too loud and the light was too bright. It hurt. I was being shaken and my muscles throbbed.

"Mmmff…"

The voice sounded panicked. "Bella, are you okay? What happened?"

_Stop the echo…_

I brought my hand up to block my eyes from the light and groaned. "What?" I felt fuzzy and tired and he was still shaking me. "Stop…shaking me."

"I'm not shaking you; you're shivering. Are you okay? Where does it hurt?"

A hand brushed over my forehead, smoothing back my hair. "My head," I managed in a whisper.

"Can you tell me your name?"

"Edward?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's me. You need to answer my question."

"You know my name," I said, confused.

"Just answer, please."

"Isabella Swan."

"Okay, Bella, can you tell me where you are?"

_What is with these questions?_ "Fort Worden, in a bunker, why are you asking? Are you lost?"

He chuckled. "No, I'm not lost."

He pinched one of the tips of my fingers and then one on my other hand. Then he was pulling off my shoes and socks.

"Edward, what are you doing?" I asked, struggling to get up.

The light that was strapped to his forehead shined over at me when he looked my way. "Just lay still, don't move." And then he was pinching my toes. "I'm checking to see if I can move you."

I frowned.

"Wiggle your toes." Geez, he was bossy. "Now your fingers." I complied. "Do you have any numbness or tingling anywhere?"

"No."

Then he moved back up my body and hovered over me, wrapping his arm around me and pressing all along my spine, from the top of my neck to my lower back. Then I felt tingly. But it was a different kind of tingly. "Any pain when I press anywhere along here?" he asked gently.

"No," I breathed.

He leaned back, his fingers trailing across my waist and I felt even more lightheaded than before.

"Can you get up?" he asked.

I rolled over, my ribs aching, and he put one hand on my lower back and took my arm in his other hand and helped me as I attempted to stand, but my ankle was still too weak and painful. I couldn't put any pressure on it at all. "I can't walk on my ankle. And I feel a little bit dizzy," I said, leaning against him.

"All right," he said, pulling me close to him. "Put your arms around my neck." My cheeks flamed as I complied and he stooped down to put his arm behind my knees, scooped me up, and started down the passageway.

I was starting to feel even more woozy and my head dropped to his shoulder as I breathed evenly, in and out. He smelled amazing, as always, with a tinge of musky sweat. It was heady. Or it was my head. Maybe it was both.

"What happened, Bella? Why were you alone in here?" His voice rumbled in his chest, vibrating out to my own.

Our shadows bounced along the walls as he deftly maneuvered the halls and stairways as though he lived there. "Why have you been avoiding me?" I mumbled against his neck, my fuzziness giving me courage…or shamelessness.

He was quiet for a moment. "I haven't been," he said, sounding pained. Or maybe that was just the strain in his voice from carrying me.

I huffed, well, I tried to huff. But as I was so weak, it came out like a small laugh. "Right." My feet swung back and forth in time with his strides. "Listen, if you've decided I'm too much effort – "

"You're not too much effort. You're worth it, Bella. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're not," he said, almost angrily.

The passageway began to brighten and he entered another room with pipes running along the ceiling. It didn't escape my notice that he still hadn't answered my question but before I could press it, the glare from the gray skies blinded me as he stepped out into the daylight.

"Bella!" I heard Jacob call, then pounding feet approaching and I was being jostled. I winced against the pain.

"Easy," Edward said, passing me off to the other man.

Jacob's strong arms cradled me, but it felt all wrong. Nausea welled up again. "What happened?" he asked, sounding a cross between terrified, angry, and relieved.

"I fell," I said weakly.

Edward cleared his throat. "I found her unconscious. She's got an injured ankle and possibly a head injury."

Jacob was already walking and groups of people were trailing along. Lauren and Tyler had the sense to look ashamed. It was humiliating, this walk back down to the parking lot. Jacob was demanding to know why I was alone, what had happened, urging me never to do something like that again, and on and on. But I wasn't really listening. My eyes peered over his shoulder at the infuriating man that walked behind us. Edward kept his head down for most of the walk back, but met my gaze every so often with brows furrowed and eyes hard.

* * *

><p><strong>So... What do you think?<strong>

**Reviewers will get a little teaser - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**Early update again. You know I can't hold on to these babies. When they're ready, I gotta give 'em up. **

* * *

><p>The wheel of the shopping cart wobbled as I turned the corner onto the next aisle full of steel shelving, piled to the very high ceiling with pallets of macaroni, socks, and canned peaches. My ankle ached a bit, reminding me of the sprain that was still healing from my fall. I was lucky to have only had a mild concussion, some bruised ribs, and the sprain.<p>

Rose dropped an armload of monstrous bags of chips into the cart. "So, he's all, 'Hey baby,' then yanks you around, you go postal, he apologizes, freaks out over the picture, avoids you, salutes you, and then is all knight in shining armor, only to offload you on Jake."

I laughed at the Rosalie Ten-Second Synopsis of the last month or so of Edward drama. "Yeah, that's about the long and the short of it."

It had been a couple weeks since I'd talked to her. She had just returned from a trip to San Diego where she'd attended a conference for work and also spent some vacation time with family.

Pulling a two pack of gallon sized ketchup bottles off the shelf and putting it in the cart, she asked, "So, then what did you do?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. What _could_ I do? If he's going to be weird, what am I supposed to do about it?"

She shrugged. "Did we get the buns?"

"Yes." Esme had roped us into helping out with the church's Fourth of July barbecue to honor the service members in our community. We were doing the food shopping.

"Well, what can you do? He's a man. They do this."

I nodded. But I still couldn't completely let my disappointment go like I wished I could. I felt like I was missing out on something good with Edward.

"Okay, I think that's everything, B."

We made our way through the hordes of people and were funneled through the checkout line. The cashier added up the damage and Rose got her membership card out of her wallet.

"I tell you what you're going to do. There's gonna be a lot of eligible men at the barbecue. You're going to get your flirt on," she said, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

I shook my head. "Rose, no."

"You're going to wear a cute little sundress and you're going to cozy up with the service men."

"No."

"With any luck, Edward will be there. It'll drive him nuts. And even if he's not there, maybe you'll get yourself a date with another nice guy." She arched an eyebrow in challenge, smiling at her plan.

I sighed. "Rose, I'm not trying to get him back – not that I ever _had_ him to begin with. And I'm not trying to find a date."

"Maybe not. But there's no harm in showing the boy what an idiot he is for letting you go. And even if you don't get another date, do it for you. _You_ will know that you are worth it. Take some pride in yourself."

I glared at her, but the idea took root in my mind. I could see myself, chin held high, letting him see what he was missing. It gave me a sick sense of pleasure and I couldn't stop thinking about it the rest of the day.

_Juvenile? Yes. _

_Vindictive? Sure. _

_Satisfying? Absolutely._

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

The damp grass squished softly under the wedge heels of my sandals as I crossed the park, carrying a large box of food for the barbecue. Though the forecast had called for rain, it was hot and sunny at the moment. Esme and a few others were already there setting up. Rose was putting plastic table cloths on the picnic tables, Esme's husband, Carlisle, was hauling bags of charcoal briquettes over to the barbecue area, and someone else was setting up a volleyball net. I wobbled slightly as I walked, taking the box over to the table of food items.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so glad you're here," Esme said with a smile. "Wow, you look beautiful, sweetie!"

I looked down at my navy blue sundress with the ivory satin ribbon around the waist and shrugged slightly, feeling completely conspicuous. "Thank you."

Carlisle walked over just then and my eyes dropped to my shoes. He was the CO out at the base. Images of him in his uniform on my doorstep in the early dawn hours, Bible tucked under his arm, flashed through my memory. The last time I'd really talked to him, I'd been a mess of sobs on his chest.

"Bella, how are you doing?"

I nodded at him, "I'm fine, thank you."

He gave me the kind smile I'd become used to seeing on his face whenever we passed.

"Carlisle, dear, would you please light the charcoal in the barbecues?" Esme asked.

He agreed, grabbing the lighter from the table and heading over to start the task.

"What can I help with?" I asked.

Esme motioned toward the boxes of food laid out on the tables. "Would you arrange the buns, condiments, toppings, and sides on the tables here?"

"Sure."

She headed over to some coolers and started preparing meats to go on the grill. While I arranged bowls of salad and beans, people started to arrive. Children ran to the playground while mothers grasped wriggling arms, applied sunscreen to little faces, and men gathered around the drink table, cracking open soda cans that released hisses of pressure.

I was surprised at how quickly things got busy and people filled the park. Rose sauntered over to me, eyeing me up and down with a smirk. It was clear she approved. Rose and I worked together, dishing sides out to hordes of people. I was afraid we would run out, but Esme continued to bring more and more food out to us from her car.

The night was warm and a bit humid. I wiped my brow with the back of my arm and placed a piece of corn on the cob on the plate in front of me when a deep southern drawl tickled my ears. "Thank you, ma'am."

I looked up into the face of an attractive man with dark eyes and dark hair poking out around the edges of his Coast Guard cap. A warm smile graced his sun-kissed face and he winked at me. I felt my cheeks flush from the attention. "You're welcome, I hope you enjoy," I said with a smile.

He lightly touched the brim of his cap and continued down the line.

A moment later, Rose laughed. I looked over at her in question.

She was spooning bean salad onto a little boy's plate. "He definitely appreciates it."

"What?" I asked confused.

"Bella, have you not seen how he can't keep his eyes off you?"

I glanced quickly around the park and for the first time noticed that Edward was there. He had joined in on an impromptu game of baseball but his focus was not on the game as his eyes drifted over to me, then darted away when he saw me looking. I couldn't help the spark of victory I felt at my accomplishment.

"And he's not the only one noticing," she continued. "And he's noticing the other noticers. You should have seen the look on his face when you were helping that guy a minute ago." She grinned.

I felt my face heat, but in truth, I felt smugly satisfied.

A few minutes later, Esme came over and shooed us away, telling us to go eat. So we filled our plates and I held my head a little higher as we walked over to find seats at a table.

"I don't know what his problem is, Bella. He clearly still has a thing for you," Rose said.

I sighed. "I don't know that he does."

"Bella, he's brushed off two other girls trying to get his attention and that was just in the food line. Plus, he can't keep his eyes off you. No man looks at a woman like _that_ without having some kind of thing for her. It could be just physical, but you said yourself it didn't seem like that was his goal."

I shrugged.

"I don't know, B. Maybe after hearing more about how it happened, he thinks you're not ready," she said softly.

I took a drink of my lemonade and frowned. Somehow it just didn't sit right.

"Or, you know, he's just being a guy. Who knows why they do these things?" she said.

As the night wore on, Rose and I helped with the cleanup while people spread blankets along the bluff to watch the fireworks out over the harbor.

"I didn't catch your name, ma'am," that same drawl caught my attention as I was folding the last of the tablecloths and putting it in a box.

I looked over and he was standing a few feet away. His hat was in his hand and the wind was ruffling his slightly wavy hair. I smiled and swallowed the lump in my throat. "It's Bella."

"I'm Riley," he said, smiling.

I took his extended hand and shook it. "It's nice to meet you."

He shifted his weight on his feet and looked at the ground before meeting my eye again. "Well, I'm here by myself. I was wondering if you'd like to sit with me to watch the fireworks."

But the clouds were starting to roll in and I didn't feel like getting rained on so I had already decided I'd had enough festivities. "Oh, that's really nice of you, Riley. But I actually need to be getting home." Besides, I didn't want to have to try and get home after the fireworks show with the rest of Port Angeles on the roads.

"Oh, sure," he said, nodding his head. Then clearing his throat, he continued. "Would you mind giving me your number? I'd love to give you a call sometime. Maybe we could go to coffee or something."

I hesitated for a moment. But he seemed nice and I _had_ resolved to open myself up to the possibility of romance. It wasn't working out with Edward and I needed to be receptive to other possibilities. "Sure," I said, and gave him my number while he punched it into his phone.

His smile stretched wide and I returned it. "Thanks, Bella. I'll give you a call."

I said goodnight to Riley then wandered over to Rose who had been watching the whole exchange. She raised her eyebrows and I gave her a look to clearly communicate that I didn't want to talk about it.

She laughed and said, "All right. But just so you know, I thought Edward was going to have an aneurysm watching the two of you." Her eyes darted over to where Edward was leaning against a tree, a deep scowl marred his handsome face.

"He sure has a funny way of showing he's interested," I snapped, letting my frustration seep out a bit.

"I'll give you that," Rose said.

I said goodnight to her and Esme and was just about to walk to the parking lot when Carlisle insisted on walking me to my truck.

"I really am okay," I said, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

He smiled. "Just humor me."

I begrudgingly accepted. He made me nervous. We walked in silence in the dusky night through a patch of trees, across a grassy field, and into the parking lot.

"Thank you for your help tonight. I know Esme really appreciated it. And all the service people and their families loved it too."

I nodded, "It wasn't a big deal."

His kind eyes held me. "Well, it was a big deal to them." He reached over and placed his hand on my shoulder and his eyes turned serious. "You honor him by moving forward," he said quietly. "You're going to make it, kiddo." Then he turned and walked away. The night breeze stung my tear-filled eyes as I watched him head back across the grass.

As I drove down the dirt road that led home, dodging potholes and passing the occasional house, I felt lonelier than ever. Trees closed in over the road, murky patches of mist hung ghoulishly around curves, and the darkness swallowed as I delved deeper into the woods. My headlights cut through the darkness but even they were an insufficient opponent against the consuming black.

Not too far from my house, there was a large branch in the middle of the road. I pulled to a stop and left the truck running to get out and drag the branch to the side of the road. I stepped out of the truck and rounded the open door only to step in a pothole and fall against the door, slamming it shut and locking myself out of my running truck.

"Ahh!" I shrieked, pressing my face to the glass, realizing that my purse with my cell phone was on the seat. And my spare truck key was in my locked house. And my house key was in my now locked truck. The last house I'd passed was at least a half mile away. I pounded the window in anger.

_Come on, Lord. Give me a break!_

I thought about my options. I could try and break the window out. But then I'd have an expensive bill replacing it. I wondered if there might be a way to get into my house. Sometimes I left the kitchen window open. It was a little high up, but I could probably do it if I found something to boost myself up on.

Sighing in frustration, I started walking. The wind whispered through the trees, chilling the bare skin of my arms, shoulders, and legs. And then, maddeningly, it started to rain. It started to pour. Fat drops of water hit the dirt so hard, they splashed up on my legs.

_Just great._

My sandals weren't doing me any good by that point, so I struggled with the wet straps and pulled them off my feet, then walked as quickly as I could in the dark. Mud squished between my toes and my light cotton dress clung to my skin. I could hear the booming of the fireworks in the distance above the sound of the rainfall as my feet slapped and slid along the road.

After a few minutes, I finally reached my home, soaked to the skin. I was grateful for the flood lights that came on as I ran up the porch and checked the front door on the off-chance I'd forgotten to lock it. _No such luck._ The front windows were also locked, which meant I had to go back out into the rain to try to find another open window. I walked around the side of the house and saw that my kitchen window was open just a crack. Now the trouble would be actually getting up and into it.

I looked around for something to stand on. The only thing I could find that would work was the outdoor trash can. I dragged it over and flipped it, dumping the contents. Then carefully, I climbed on top, balancing my weight and reached up to push the window open all the way, throwing my ruined sandals through the window. When I grabbed the windowsill and pushed up, the trash can tipped out from under me and I almost lost my grip on the sill. But I held tight, one arm all the way in the window, one hand desperately trying to push up the rest of the way. My legs flailed, trying to get some kind of hold on the side of the house.

"Bella, get down from there!"

I recognized his voice right away as he wrapped his arms around my waist to help me down.

"No! Edward, just give me a boost," I grunted.

"Come on Bella, come down, I'll climb in for you," he said, hooking his arm behind my knees making to gently let me down.

"I can do it myself," I insisted stubbornly, using his hold as a way to push myself further up. He finally relented and helped to push me up and through the window.

My descent was no more graceful than my entrance through the window. I reached across the sink, grasping the edge of the counter and brought my mud splattered legs and slippery feet across, tumbling onto the floor with a series of thuds.

"Are you all right?" Edward called from outside.

I breathed heavily, wiping my stringy wet hair out of my face and clambering to my feet. "I'm fine!"

_What was he doing here?_

As I fumbled for the light switch and opened the drawer that held my spare truck key, I heard Edward climb up the porch and pound on the door. I went to the coat closet and pulled on my rubber rain boots before opening the front door and walking out. I ignored him, and went down the stairs. I heard him call to me but I kept going as I started down the driveway. It was only a moment before he caught up to me, grabbing my arm and spinning me around.

The rain was still pouring down, his hair and clothes were now just as drenched as mine. "Where do you think you're going?" he demanded.

I tugged on my arm but he didn't let go. "I have to go get my truck, or didn't you see it on your way here? You know, the one that's idling in the middle of the road?"

He turned, pulling me with him towards his car that sat in front of the house. "Yeah, I saw it. I meant, I'm driving you. You're not walking."

I was angry, I didn't want to accept his help. But I knew I was being stupid. It wasn't the safest thing to be doing: walking alone through the woods at night in a rainstorm. So I let him pull me to the car. He opened the door and I sat down before he closed it behind me.

As soon as I sat in the leather seat, I realized how cold I was. My teeth were chattering as I leaned forward, trying to get the least amount of water on his seat as possible.

When he started up the car and pulled out of the driveway, I turned to look at his sodden form. "What are you doing here, Edward?"

He shook his head and laughed humorlessly. "You're welcome, by the way."

"I didn't need your help. I was just fine."

"Yeah, I could see that," he retorted.

"Quit changing the subject. What are you doing out here?"

He glanced over at me. "I was in the neighborhood."

I looked at him incredulously. "Yeah, because it's such a busy thoroughfare." His lips pressed together in a tight line. I was irritated. No, I was _livid_. "What is going on with you? You came on _so_ strong, then dropped me like a bad habit, now you're…you're confusing me!"

He pulled to a stop in front of my truck, with its lights still on, idling away. He exhaled roughly, his hand fisting around the steering wheel as he glared out at the rain on the windshield. "I noticed you left the barbecue early," he said in a quietly controlled tone. "I just wanted to see that you were okay."

I laughed, humorlessly. "You wanted to see that I was okay." His guarded eyes met mine. "Well, mission accomplished, Lieutenant. I'm fine," I said, opening the door. "Thanks for the ride." I stepped out into the downpour and slammed the door. As I stomped over to my truck, I noticed that the offending branch had been moved to the side of the road. Unlocking the door, I climbed in and drove home while Edward's car still sat unmoving.

* * *

><p><strong>So... What do you think?<strong>

**Reviewers will get a little teaser - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**Extra super early update again. More info at the bottom, see you there!**

* * *

><p>"Bella, go home. I don't want you here."<p>

I sniffed futilely. "Gee, thanks, Jasper. You really know how to talk to a girl," I said, my nasal voice sounding foggy through my plugged ears.

He laughed but didn't back down. "Get out."

My sinuses were killing me. My face hurt and my mind was fuzzy. The only reason I had gone into work was to take care of a report that needed to be done for an important deadline. "Fine. Say hi to Alice for me."

I sighed in relief as I took my purse and walked out to my truck to drive home. It was a nice sunny day and it was a shame I had to spend it being sick.

When I pulled into my driveway and opened the door to step out, I heard the muffled rumbling of a small engine. I paused, frowning. The sound seemed to be coming from the back yard. I walked around the side of the house and could see the lawn mower tracks in the grass.

Someone was mowing my lawn. Someone with bronze hair, glinting in the sunlight, worn jeans slung low on his hips and a fitted t-shirt clinging to his broad shoulders and strong arms.

His back was to me as he pushed the lawn mower toward the edge of the woods. My mouth gaped. _What the hell?_

I walked out to the edge of the lawn, putting my hands on my hips. _What is with this man?_

He rounded the corner and headed back my direction. Oblivious to my presence, he continued plodding across the grass. I could see the perspiration seeping through his shirt in the middle of his chest.

He was so…_masculine_.

About halfway down his path, he lifted his arm and wiped his brow, then, placing his gloved hand back on the handle, he looked up and our eyes met. He stumbled a bit, then stopped, shutting off the motor. Standing back, he removed the gloves from his hands and ran his fingers through his hair, just watching me.

"I… Edward… What?" I stuttered, shaking my head and frowning.

He ambled over to me, his eyes on the grass beneath his feet. "Hey."

I looked at him incredulously. "Hey? Edward, what are you doing?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "Mowing your lawn."

"I see that, but…why?"

"Hey, are you sick?" he asked, looking at me, his forehead wrinkled, eyebrows pinched.

"Yeah, I have a cold," I said, then, shaking my head, I demanded, "Edward, why are you mowing my lawn?"

"I just wanted to help you out," he said simply.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I can mow my own lawn."

He chuckled. "Bella, I know you _can_. This is not a statement about your abilities." His eyes were gentle and a little pleading. Then he continued softly, "This is just one friend…helping out another."

I closed my eyes, breathing in and out, feeling a bit dizzy from my stuffy head and the presence of Edward. "Is that what we are?"

His eyes dropped to the ground again and he shoved his thumbs in his pockets. "I'd like to be."

I pressed my palm to my forehead and screwed up my face. He was infuriatingly confusing. "Edward, I don't have the energy for this right now. I have to go to bed," I said, unable to stand there and chase down his hidden thoughts and agendas. I let my hand drop as I turned and shuffled back to my house. Only then did I notice that, on the far side of the driveway, his car was parked under a tree. As I walked in the door, I dropped my purse on the floor, kicked off my shoes and plodded up the stairs to my room. I barely got my pants off before collapsing on my bed.

I groaned when I heard the lawnmower start up again. But I just couldn't think about Edward right then. I couldn't. So I slept.

When I woke, a dull ache gnawed at my stomach, letting me know that, despite the pressure in my head, I needed food. I shuffled around the kitchen, looking for something to eat. There were some stale crackers in the cabinet that I nibbled on and I put some water on to boil for tea. I sighed in frustration, thinking about Edward mowing my lawn. What in the world was in his head?

I went over to the back window and looked out at the yard. It was all done perfectly. It irritated me a little. I _could_ do it and I didn't know why he wanted to help me. Did he feel guilty for ditching me? If so, it was awfully strange. What guy ditches a girl only to hang around later?

I got my tea and decided to head back to bed. Just this small foraging trip that had turned up empty had exhausted me. I would have to go to the store later.

But as I passed the front door, I saw something bright in the corner of my eye, through the front window, sitting on the front porch. When I looked, I saw that it was a cooler. I frowned as suspicions filled my mind. The door creaked open and I shuffled onto the porch, opening the lid of the bright box. When I saw the contents, I sighed. Inside sat a container of deli chicken soup, a half gallon of orange juice, and an assortment of cold medicines. A note lay on top of the soup.

_From your concerned friend_, it said in Edward's scratchy scrawl.

My lips pressed together tightly as I hauled the cooler into my kitchen. I dropped my head to the counter, pressing my forehead against the cool tile. _What is his angle?_ It was so frustrating. I couldn't figure him out. He was constantly shifting and just as I began adjusting to his actions, he would change.

Regardless of how frustrated I was with him, I was hungry and the chicken soup looked really good. I heated a bowl and curled up on the couch, eating it slowly, stubbornly putting him out of my mind and resting my brain.

But it wasn't long before I begrudgingly felt the need to acknowledge his kindness. Reluctantly, I pulled out my phone and sent him a text.

_Thank you for the soup, juice, and meds. They really came in handy. _

I received a text a few minutes later.

_My pleasure._

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

Several days later, my cold was better and I was walking in my door after my date with Riley. He had called and invited me to dinner.

He took me out to a brand new sophisticated French restaurant in town. He was the perfect gentleman, pulling out my chair, opening doors. He was attentive, he was kind, he was witty, and he was legitimately interested in me. His eyes sparkled in the soft light and his smile was easy.

He dropped me off at home with an easy and non-threatening, "Thank you for a lovely evening. May I call you again?"

I agreed.

I pulled the pins out of my hair, letting it fall to my back in thick waves and, raking my fingers through it, massaging my tight scalp. Pouring a glass of the orange juice Edward had brought and drinking it down, I heard a knock at my door. My brows pulled together and I wiped my mouth, wondering who could be there at the late hour.

When I walked over to the door and peered out the window, Jacob's dark eyes smiled at me in the light from the porch. I pulled the door open. "Hey!" I said, genuinely happy to see him.

"Hey," he said, then taking in my black dress, a crease formed in his forehead. "Wow, you look really nice."

I dropped my eyes with a slight smile. "Thanks."

He walked in, eyeing me. He knew. "Hot date?"

I took in a deep breath. I could lie, but what would be the point in that? "Something like that."

Nodding, he said, "Well, I was on this side of town. Thought I'd drop by to say hi."

I smiled at him. "I'm glad you did, come on in," I said motioning to the living room. We sat and I flipped on the TV, finding a Mariners game. "Do you want anything?" I asked.

"Nahh." He shook his head and quietly watched as the pitch was thrown and the batter swung and missed. We sat in silence for several minutes before he cleared his throat and asked, "Did you go out with Edward?" sounding strangled.

When I looked over at him, his eyes were glued to the game and he was unnaturally rigid. "Uhh, no, it was someone else."

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

"You like him?"

I shrugged, knowing he was disappointed that I had given yet another guy a chance before him.

We sat for a few more minutes before he stood up quickly, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Well, I'd better get going," he said, heading for the door. I followed behind and when he grasped the doorknob, he turned around and scratched his head. "So, I probably shouldn't keep hoping, should I?" I looked up at him sadly. "I mean. You and I," he said, motioning between us, "aren't…going to happen, are we?"

My eyes welled with tears. This was Jacob, my oldest and dearest friend. I loved him, so I had to release him. I shook my head softly. He sighed, dropping his head. I closed the gap between us and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in his chest. His arms encircled me and his head dropped to mine. I'm not sure how long we stood that way before he leaned back, raised my chin and touched his warm lips to my forehead for a long moment. Tears pushed through my closed eyes.

"Bye, Bells," he whispered hoarsely, then walked out the door, shutting it softly behind him.

I stood, staring at the closed door for a long time. Tears streamed down my face and my lungs ached. I really, really needed someone to hold me. For the last two years, that someone had been Jake.

Had he hoped all that time? Every time he comforted me. Every friendly hug. Every time he gave a listening ear. Never asking anything in return. Had he hoped?

I curled into a ball on the floor and muffled my cries into my knees. Though there was no one to hear.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

The next few weeks were odd. Church was a field of landmines of awkwardness. If I wasn't running into Jacob then I was bumping into Riley. And if I wasn't bumping into Riley, then I was stumbling upon Edward. It was particularly uncomfortable when fielding two of them at a time. Despite my arguments, Jacob had insisted that I remain a part of the youth group. I hadn't wanted to cause difficulty for him or unnecessary discomfort with my presence. But he had insisted that I should stay because the kids loved me and that he would be fine. I wasn't so sure that the kids were all that fond of me and I was still a bit uncomfortable hanging around, but I decided I would stick it out through the retreat since I'd already committed to it. And after that, if it didn't feel right, I'd quit.

I went out on a couple more dates with Riley. He was always so thoughtful and kind. I enjoyed spending time with him.

In other news of the bizarre, Edward continued mowing my lawn, which was nice, but really messed with my mind. And he ignored all my phone calls and texts telling him that while I was grateful, it was completely unnecessary.

One morning, I awoke to the sound of the lawn mower in the back yard. I groaned, rolling over and rubbing my face, looking at the clock. It was 9:30.

I tumbled out of bed and shuffled over to the window to see that yes, indeed, Edward was mowing my lawn. Again.

I descended the stairs, my bare feet thudding as I went. Running a hand through my mess of hair, I opened the door. A gust of cool morning air hit me and I realized I was only wearing a small cotton tank top and yoga pants. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked up to see Edward, stopped in his tracks, looking at me with the lawnmower running. Though I was adequately covered, I felt incredibly exposed. After a moment, he shut off the engine and smiled hesitantly.

I walked out a little closer to him. "Really, how long are you planning on doing this? You don't need to mow my lawn."

He shrugged. "I like to."

I frowned, pulling my arms tighter around my chest as the breeze raised goose bumps on my shoulders. "Edward, this is really weird."

His expression looked pained and I felt guilty for essentially throwing his help back in his face.

_But really! It's weird!_

"Well, I'm not going to stop. So maybe if you're really not comfortable with it, you could pay me back."

I regarded him suspiciously.

He tilted his head a little and shrugged. "Make me dinner sometime." Then he quickly rushed on. "I mean, not like a date. Just…as friends." His voice cracked on the last part of his request and his eyes were pleading. He looked…desperate.

I stood there staring at him in bewilderment as the wind rustled the tree branches and the smell of cut grass wafted around me. He utterly confounded me. I sighed in frustration. "Fine. Friday at seven."

His eyes widened and he stood a little taller as I turned and strode back into the house.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I sat across the table from Edward in silence. The sound of forks and knives scraping plates and the occasional creak of a chair was all that could be heard over dinner.

He cleared his throat, then spoke up. "This is really good, Bella. You are an amazing cook," he said looking at me hesitantly.

"Thank you." I had made pot roast and herbed potatoes. It was one of my favorite comfort food meals.

We were quiet, just eating, for a few more minutes.

"So, tell me more about yourself," I said to break the silence but also because I was still trying to figure him out. "Maybe more about growing up," I suggested.

He smiled stiffly. "Well, you already know that I was a nerdy little kid. I didn't have many friends. I got beat up a lot," he said, laughing a little. "I was kind of the white version of Urkel, big glasses and all."

When I tried to imagine him that way, I smiled. I just couldn't picture it.

"That didn't really change till junior high when I got contacts and tried out for basketball. Turns out I was really good at it," he said with a shrug.

"So then you had the ladies falling at your feet?" I asked.

"No, not quite," he said with a laugh. "But it did give me more confidence." Sighing, he continued. "And then when I heard about the Coast Guard Academy and the possibility of being a pilot… I was intrigued."

I still felt like I was missing so much about who he was. His actions were so conflicting to me. I wondered how his faith played into it all. "Hmm. Did you grow up attending church?"

His green eyes met mine. "No. I started going in high school off and on to a youth group at a church near where we lived. But I didn't start attending regularly till after the Academy."

"What changed?"

His eyes dropped to his plate and he raked a hand through his hair. "I realized there was more to life than what we see. I knew I needed someone bigger than myself…because I am a screw-up."

I narrowed my eyes in thought. I wanted to press him about why he felt that way but I didn't feel I had the right to do so. Tearing a piece off my roll, I asked, "Why are you helping out with the youth group?"

He shrugged. "I just know what it's like to feel like you don't belong," he said taking a deep breath and letting it out. "And I think most kids that age are trying to figure out their place, just wanting someone to accept them."

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, watching him. I wished I could dismiss him altogether. I wanted to reject him for rejecting me. But the mystery of Edward was too great of an allure for me. And then there was also the fact that he couldn't seem to leave me alone either. He just kept turning up.

Through the rest of the meal, Edward seemed cautiously friendly, glancing over at me almost shyly, giving me sincere compliments, and asking interested questions about my life.

When we had finished eating, he rose from the table. "Thank you for the meal, Bella."

I stood and followed as he began walking out of the kitchen, heading toward the front door. He opened the door and turned back to me. He lifted his hand and it hovered near my cheek before he dropped it back to his side. His eyes looked so conflicted.

"Thank you again for dinner. It was really good," he said. I nodded and he smiled tightly. "Take care."

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

August fourth was Coast Guard Day: the day that commemorates the founding of the institution. Esme had again asked me to help out with the festivities and I'd agreed. She seemed to be coming to me a lot for assistance. Perhaps she knew I needed a sense of purpose. This was my first time attending the event since Emmett had died and, naturally, I was filled with trepidation.

When we arrived at the Coast Guard Station on Ediz Hook, Esme got me right to work. I was setting up carnival game booths and laying out stuffed animal prizes. I saw some people unloading horses from trailers and getting them ready to give rides to children.

I watched as a Dolphin helicopter came in to land, the rotor blades a blur of motion, then slowly decelerating as the chopper sat on the cement. The doors opened and two men in olive drab flight suits exited the cockpit. One of them removed his helmet, a riot of hair sticking every which way, and I immediately recognized Edward. Seeing him in his flight suit did funny things to me. My eyes traveled down the lean lines of his body to his black boots as he seemed to strut around the helicopter, checking various equipment.

_Lord above in the heavens, he was sexy._

Suddenly I realized that my ping-pong-ball-holding-hand had been hovering unmoving over a small fish bowl as my teeth pressed painfully into my bottom lip. I shook myself out of my lust induced trance and took a cleansing breath. I quickly snapped my attention back to my task and finished laying out the game booths.

Families began to arrive, spreading out blankets and eating their picnic lunches. Children played on the large craggy rocks that lined the beach and others played games like croquet. Horses walked a track, giving kids rides, and shrieks of excitement and groans of frustration could be heard from people playing the carnival games. I spent a lot of time retrieving balls and handing out stuffed animals. I even got to do some face painting, which I really enjoyed. The little kids were sweet and so happy with the pictures on their cheeks of whales and unicorns and soccer balls.

After a couple hours, I took a break. I saw Edward standing in front of the Dolphin, talking to some kids. He was crouched down, eye level with them, and his hands were moving animatedly as he spoke. The kids listened attentively, with wide eyes and clasped hands. A couple bounced on their tiptoes, stretching to see inside the helicopter. I found myself being drawn closer to him as I wandered the airstrip. Suddenly, he stood up and clapped his hands together. Then he swung a little girl up in his arms and climbed into the cockpit. I saw him put headphones on her ears and place her hands on the control stick. His smile was brilliant, only eclipsed by the grin on the little girl's face. Then I saw him speaking into his microphone and making silly expressions. Her face erupted in fits of giggles as all the other kids crowded around the door, begging to be next.

It was such a sweet scene that I smiled as tears blurred my vision. Just then, Edward looked up and his eyes caught mine. He beamed at me and I couldn't help the swelling of my heart. I blinked back the tears and returned his smile, then dropping my head I walked back over to the games. I was trying desperately to keep my heart in check. He had made it very clear that for whatever reason, he was only interested in a friendship with me.

At the end of the day, I was tired and probably a bit sunburned. Esme thanked me and I walked back to my car, feeling surprisingly happy. I passed the helicopter where Edward was working to clean things up and get it ready to go back in the hangar. He turned and saw that I was leaving, then gave me a small wave. I nodded and waved back.

When I was almost back to my car, I saw the stone monument that bore the plaque honoring the men killed in the accident two years before. Approaching it slowly, I crossed my arms and read the names. It was surprising that, mingled with my sadness, the thought of him gave me a sense of fondness and almost happiness. I dropped to my knees and ran my fingers across the etched name. _Emmett McCarty._ I was happy remembering our life together. I was happy remembering our love. Looking out at the water, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and left.

By the time I reached my home, I was feeling kind of melancholy. Changing into some comfortable clothes and putting my hair in a messy bun, I poured a glass of wine, turned on the television and curled up on the couch. My head rested comfortably on a pillow.

I flipped through the channels, sipping my wine, feeling its warm comfort relax my muscles and ease my mind. When I pushed the channel change button again, Chunk appeared on my screen, standing behind a picket fence, pleading to be let in, pinwheel blowing in the breeze. I started giggling in anticipation.

"First you gotta do the truffle shuffle," Mouth insisted.

"Come on!" whined Chunk.

"Do it!"

_The Goonies_ was my favorite movie when I was a kid. It never failed to make me laugh. As Chunk lifted his shirt and shook his belly making the most ridiculous growling and gurgling noises, I couldn't help but to laugh at the poor kid. Tears streamed down my face and my sides ached. Just then the doorbell rang and my laughter slowed to a stop as I frowned. I wasn't expecting anyone.

I muted the television, put my wine down and wiped the tears from my eyes, walking over and opening the door. Edward stood on my porch, looking concerned. My tears of mirth had made my nose run so I sniffed a little.

"Are you all right?" he asked, taking a step closer to me, examining my face. I was sure my cheeks were flushed and my eyes a bit watery.

"What? Oh yeah, I was just… I was just watching a movie."

His brows were furrowed and his eyes bored into mine. "Oh, I just… I saw you looking at the plaque."

I dropped my eyes. "Oh, yeah."

"May I come in?"

I smiled, "Umm, okay?"

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and stepped inside the door. I closed it behind him and then we just stood there, awkwardly, looking at each other.

"Do you…want something to drink?"

His eyes drifted over to my coffee table, probably noticing my wine. "No, thank you." He rocked on his heels a bit. "So, what were you watching?"

"Oh, um." I ran my hand through my hair. "It's silly. I was just watching…_Goonies_."

His eyes lit up and he smiled. "Really? I love _Goonies_."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

We stood there staring at each other again. "Oh!" I said. "Um, did you want…to watch it…with me?"

His eyes were warm as they crinkled at the edges. "That'd be fun."

We sat on the couch. Stiffly. With at least a foot of space between us as I turned the sound back on.

My eyes were trained on the television screen, my head didn't turn even a fraction of an inch. I was hyper aware of my breathing and every minuscule movement he made. I took another drink of my wine, finishing off the glass, feeling the warmth go through my body.

Before long, his deep laugh rumbled out from him, combining with the wine to wear down my discomfort. I leaned back into the couch cushion and worked to relax.

But I didn't stand a chance against the familiar and endearing story. I forgot the barriers between us and lost myself to the laughter and adventure. It felt so nice and after a long day of working out in the sun, I relaxed and just enjoyed the shared moment.

Some time later, I woke to movement under my head and a soft but masculine voice whispering my name.

"Bella, wake up."

As I came to, I realized that I had slouched on the couch, curling up, my head falling on Edward's shoulder. I jolted upright. "I'm sorry," I rushed to say, my cheeks heating. "How long ago did I fall asleep?" I asked as I ran my hands through my hair.

He smiled gently. "A while ago," he said as he put the remote on the table.

I looked over at the television, which had been turned off.

"Wow, sorry about that."

He stood up and stretched his shoulders and I found myself gawking. "Don't worry about it," he said turning around and smiling down at me. "Well, I should probably be going. It's getting late."

"Did you…come over for any reason in particular? Do you need something?"

He smiled warmly. "No. See you later, Bella."

I went to bed that night with numerous conflicting thoughts and emotions swirling through my head.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I bolted upright in bed, sweating and panting. It was dark except for the moonlight streaming through my open window along with the gently billowing curtains. My legs were tangled in the twisted sheets as I stared wide eyed into the cool night. Dropping back on my pillow, I put my palm to my forehead. I swallowed hard, images from the dream that had so powerfully awoken me from my slumber replaying in my mind.

It had started off like so many dreams I'd had in the months that followed Emmett's death. We were in bed. My husband was making love to me, tender and gentle and loving. Suddenly, it became more intense, incredibly visceral, our kisses searingly passionate, our limbs gripping, tugging, and twining. My hands wove through his hair. It felt different: soft, wild hair. His face dropped to my neck, sucking, licking, sending lightning through my body.

He moaned. But his voice was changed. My brow furrowed in my passion and when he pulled back to look darkly in my eyes, I gasped.

Fiery green eyes blazed into mine.

"God, Bella. I love you," Edward rasped.

Then I woke up, scorched and smoldering and hopelessly unable to go back to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>So, the good news is that you got a really early update. The bad news (well bad news for this story) is that I have a friend coming to visit for a few days that I haven't seen in 4 years (yay for me!) So, the next update may be a little longer coming. We'll just have to see how it goes. BUT I didn't want to leave you guys hanging where I left it at the last chapter any longer, so you got this now. ;)<strong>

**So... What did you think of the chapter?**

**Reviewers will get a little teaser that will not be posted anywhere else (I also post teasers on ADF and Fictionators) - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**So, this is a long one. I was considering breaking it up into two, but I just couldn't do that to you guys. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Riley called again and I agreed to go to a movie with him. The film was fun, a comedy. We laughed happily together and afterward he took me out for coffee.<p>

Again, our conversation was easy. Riley was fascinating. He'd grown up on a ranch and was no stranger to hard work.

"I'll have to take you horseback riding sometime." He smiled at me as he sipped from a large mug of his Americano.

I really wanted to be interested in him. He was kind and intelligent. Everything about him was attractive. He was considerate of my feelings. He was sensitive to my past. Our dates were interesting. He was the kind of man my dad would love me to be with.

"Yeah, that would be fun," I said, picking at my napkin.

He reached across the table and took my hand, enfolding it in his warm grip. I closed my eyes, waiting and hoping for butterflies that didn't come. I raised my eyes to see his dark ones coaxing me to trust him. _Positive thinking, Bella. I could grow into this._

"I really like you, Bella," he said sincerely.

When I didn't say anything, he squeezed my hand, as though he had enough faith for the both of us.

He drove me home and I was lost in thought for the whole ride. I stared out the window, wondering if I could make this work with him. But I couldn't deny that my heart still ached for Edward.

He walked me to my door. "Bella, I really enjoyed tonight. Thank you for coming out with me."

"I had a good time too," I said sincerely.

He hesitated, there on my porch, drifting slightly closer and I knew what he was doing. But I wasn't ready. I clutched my purse in front of me and put the key in my door. "Thank you for the nice evening, Riley."

He smiled and I left him standing on the step. Closing the door behind me, I leaned back and closed my eyes. Overwhelming disappointment flowed through me.

Why couldn't it have been _Edward_?

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

Edward showed up at my house a couple more times that week, just to hang out. One time, he came over while I was assembling a bookshelf. He helped me put it together and we joked about the poorly translated assembly instructions. Then I made some nachos and we had a casual lunch together. The next time he came, he showed up unexpectedly with a pizza and a movie rental: _The Princess Bride_. I teased him that 80's cult movies would be our thing and he laughed, tugging on my pony tail.

I was heading out of the sanctuary when I spotted Edward across the foyer talking to a little old lady. He looked up and when he saw me, his eyes lit up. He smiled down at the lady, touched her shoulder gently, then made his way over to me.

"Hi," he said, his whole face beaming at me.

A flurry of tingles quivered in my belly. "Hi," I breathed.

His eyes dropped to his shoes and I thought I saw his cheeks pink just a bit. When he looked back at me, he looked…nervous? "So, um, are you ready for the retreat?"

"Oh, yeah, I think I am," I said, shrugging a little.

His gaze glowed at me and his upturned lips twitched as though he was trying to hold back his smile. "So, are we all good for games?"

I couldn't help but smile up at him, "Yeah, I think we are."

"Bella, hi," Riley said, walking up and placing his hand on my elbow gently, looking up at Edward.

"Oh, hey," I said, suddenly nervous.

Edward frosted over, his eyes hardening, and focused darkly on Riley's hand on my arm.

"Lieutenant," Riley acknowledged Edward with a brief salute.

Edward nodded, "Ensign."

I stood stiffly, leaning ever so slightly away from Riley's warm hand. "If you both will excuse me, I have something… I need to go," I said nervously. "Edward, I'll see you on the retreat." Then I abruptly left the two men standing there.

"Wow, what was that about?" Rose asked, as she broke away from her conversation and we headed for the door.

I shook my head. "I'm not entirely sure." When I looked back, both men were watching as we walked out the door.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

The church's fifteen-passenger vans pulled out of the parking lot and started the trip to the retreat center on Lake Crescent. I rode in Sam's van along with Edward and a bunch of kids, including Angela, Ben, and Eric. Apparently Angela and Ben were dating. They flirted throughout the whole trip, while Eric listened to his iPod, the hood of his zip-up sweatshirt pulled over his head.

Sam, Edward, and I chatted amiably as we drove along the winding highway through the forests, crossing the Elwa River and Lake Sutherland, before turning off onto the road that brought us to the retreat center. I was surprised at how easy things had become between Edward and me. Even though there were some uncertainties and there was still so much about him that I didn't understand, I knew he had his own issues and reasons for acting the way he did because his actions in other circumstances had clearly demonstrated that he wasn't a jerk. I was wondering if I just needed to let it all go and try to maintain a friendship with him and hopefully, one day he'd trust me enough to share his struggles with me.

Unfortunately, this didn't get rid of my intense attraction to him. Ever since that dream I'd had, the attraction had grown exponentially. And I couldn't deny that, secretly and foolishly, I still held out hope that he would get over whatever his problem was and maybe we could be together. So where did that leave me in regard to dating Riley, or any other man? I didn't know. Was it wrong of me to date Riley when I had such strong feelings for Edward? Or was I simply trying to get over my futile attraction to him by dating someone else?

That night at Lake Crescent, after we had all settled in our cabins and had dinner in the dining hall, we all gathered around the fire pit. I watched as Edward built a roaring blaze that warmed us as we huddled around. He was so capable. So infuriatingly desirable, his strong arms skillfully arranging the wood and lighting kindling around the base before coming and sitting next to me on a fallen log. We sang songs and made S'mores. The kids loved it and we had a lot of fun. Edward's face glowed in the firelight, the shadows playing under his eyes. At times, he'd glance over at me, our eyes locking, and I thought my heart would beat out of my chest by the way he looked at me: warmly, almost…lovingly.

At the end of the time, the youth staffers cleaned up around the fire and the kids all went back to the cabins. Edward and I ended up walking back through the woods to the cabins together. All the kids were in the cabins and the other staffers were taking supplies back to the meeting hall. The only sounds to be heard as Edward and I found ourselves walking alone through the woods were the wind in the trees and the snapping of twigs under our feet. He looked over his shoulder and around us a little bit, then ran his hand through his hair.

"Bella," he said hoarsely. "I have no right to ask you this, but… Please don't date Riley."

I looked over at him incredulously while my stomach clenched. "What? Why?"

He was quiet, hands in his pockets.

My chest tightened. "Edward, why?"

He looked over at me. The moon filtered through the canopy of branches overhead and glinted in his eyes, casting shadows on his tormented features.

I stopped in my tracks. He followed suit, turning to face me and slowly digging his boot into the brittle fir needles and soft dirt underfoot. "Please, just don't," he pleaded softly.

I straightened my back and squared my shoulders. "Give me reason," I demanded. I wasn't asking for him to tell me there was something wrong with Riley. What I was really saying, what I was really _pleading_ was, _Tell me you feel this, tell me you want me. _I was daring him. "Give me _reason_."

His eyes were stormy, his face stony. He looked out into the woods and crossed his arms. I could see that his fists were clenched as he seemed to seethe there in front of me. "I just don't think he's…_good_…for you."

"You don't think he's _good_ for me? Why not? What's wrong with him? And since when are you an expert on what is _good_ for me?"

He turned his glare back on me.

I continued, frustration welling up within me. "Listen, I know that you want to be…friends, for some strange reason. But that does not give you the right to have a say in my love life." If he wanted to have a friendship, that was fine. But there was no way I was going to let him dictate my choices, especially if he continued to insist on being so evasive.

He stepped closer to me, till he was only maybe a foot in front of me. "Do you love him?" he hissed.

"I didn't say that; that's not what I meant," I snapped.

"Hey, what's going on, guys?" Sam appeared suddenly from down the path.

I took a deep breath and Edward spoke up, his eyes still on me. "Nothing much, man. We're just working out a problem with the games. But it's nothing that can't be solved later."

Edward thought we weren't done talking about it. "Yeah, actually, I think we've pretty much got it worked out. I'm going to bed now," I said, walking around Edward and heading toward my cabin. "Goodnight, guys."

When I walked into the cabin the girls were laughing and chattering excitedly. Some walked around with green facial masks as others held bottles of nail polish in their hands, painting toenails.

I went over and began unrolling my sleeping bag onto my bunk and started getting ready for bed.

"Bella, we're going to play Truth or Dare," Kate said. "You in?"

"Uhh…" I tried to think of ways to get out of it. "We need to get some sleep, you guys, tomorrow's a full day."

"Oh, come on. It'll be fun and we'll still get enough sleep."

A couple other girls joined in on the pleading. "Yeah, you have to, Bella."

I groaned but knew it was a lost cause. If you get that many girls together for an overnight, they're bound to be up giggling and talking. I figured I might as well join in and make sure everything was on the up and up. "All right," I conceded. "But let's keep it appropriate."

Several squeals erupted around the room. Lauren rolled her eyes, but she joined the circle like everyone else. The sound of soda cans opening and the rustling of plastic bags could be heard as nacho flavored tortilla chips, chocolate and peanut butter candies, and gummy worms were pulled out of bags.

Kate spoke up. "Okay, I'm gonna start." She took a big swig of her Mountain Dew then wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "Okay, Bella, Truth or Dare?"

I blinked a couple times. _Wow. Okay. I guess I'm jumping right in._ "Uhh, Truth."

She smiled. "Hmm… Okay. Have you ever cheated on a test?"

I laughed. "Not that I can remember. My dad would have killed me if I'd ever gotten caught."

Kate looked surprised. "Really? Never?"

"No, I don't think so."

She shrugged. "Okay, then it's your turn now."

I looked around the group. I didn't want to embarrass anyone. "Okay, Angela. Truth or Dare?"

She blushed and replied, "Truth."

"What is your favorite musical instrument?"

Groans rumbled through the group. "Oh, Bella, you're terrible at this!" Jessica complained.

I ignored them and waited for Angela's answer.

She looked at her hands and blushed even more. "Well, it used to be oboe, but I'm really liking the saxophone," she said quietly. I smiled remembering that Ben played the sax.

The game proceeded and various questions about hygiene, crushes, and embarrassing moments ensued. Mixed in with those were a few dares. When one girl was dared to push a penny around the toilet seat with her tongue, I insisted that she be allowed to clean the seat first. Another girl was dared to drink a full can of soda in a minute. The questions and dares kept going around and then Lauren leveled a challenging glance at me. When I selected Truth, she smirked.

"Is Edward a good kisser?"

My eyes widened. "I wouldn't know."

"Oh, come on," she said. "We all see how he looks at you." The rest of the girls made sounds of agreement. "And obviously, he's totally hot. There's no way you haven't gotten some of that. If I were you, I would've."

I was about to put a stop to that train of thought but got interrupted. "Oh, please. Like you know anything about that," Jessica sneered.

Lauren's head snapped around. "Well, at least I'm not a little slut that got herself knocked up."

Eleven sets of wide eyes turned to Jessica whose face was beet red. Tears glistened in her eyes and she bolted up and ran out of the cabin, slamming the door on her way.

"This game is over," I said as I stood up. "I expect lights out and everyone in bed when I return."

Jessica hadn't gone far. She was sobbing into her hands on the front porch of the cabin. I sat down next to her and put my hand on her back, saying nothing.

It was probably ten minutes before her crying subsided and she began to speak, her words broken by little gasps of air. "Why…does she…have…to be…such a…bitch?"

I rubbed her back soothingly and said nothing while she caught her breath.

"She's always got to put others down. She's always been like this," she said, wiping her nose with the sleeve of her hoodie. "I don't know why I ever was friends with her. She's awful. She's hateful." Jessica spent the next several minutes unloading all of her pent up hurts about Lauren. I let her vent. Then I waited in silence for a couple minutes, all the while rubbing her back.

"It seems to me that the meanness isn't completely one-sided between the two of you," I said quietly.

She sighed. "You're right. I've just been so sick of her. I can't stand it. I just want to show her what a brat she is and so I've been rude right back."

Crickets chirped in the darkness as we sat a while longer. "So, is it true? What she said?"

Jessica's hands went back to her face and quiet sobs shook her frame. "Yes," she whimpered.

"Does Mike know?"

She shook her head.

"Have you told your parents?"

Again, she shook her head.

"Well, I guess you have some decisions to make," I said, quietly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head.

"All right. If you want to talk about it, I'm an open ear. I'll help you find a doctor if you want or help you figure out how to talk to people. You let me know, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered. "Please don't tell anyone."

I was quiet for a moment. What was my responsibility? I hadn't agreed to being an informer. Legally, I wasn't bound. She hadn't told me she'd been abused or anything. If I really wanted to be able to help these kids, they needed to be able to trust me. I sighed. "Okay, Jessica. I won't tell anyone. But you get help. And if you need help _getting_ help, you let me know," I said. "And I'm going to be checking back with you."

She nodded. "Thank you."

That night in the cabin, tensions were high. Bunking together had been difficult for Lauren and Jessica after their conflict but they avoided each other, which was as much as could be hoped for. Several of the girls had tried to reach out to Jessica a bit. It warmed my heart. They could have treated her with disdain, but they were kind. I halfway expected her to want to go home the next morning, but she stuck it out and I was proud of her.

For the first time, I felt like I could really make a difference in the lives of these kids. Like maybe I really did have something to offer.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"You missed a spot."

"Well, hold it still, Edward."

"I'm trying but it's slippery."

"I almost…have it…"

"There, right there, you got it."

It was early afternoon and Edward and I were hunched over a picnic table by the lake, greasing a watermelon with Vaseline for water games. It was much more difficult than one would think. Everyone else was already in the water, playing and splashing each other. Laughter, squeals, and shouts bounced off the surface of the lake and echoed off the trees.

I wiped my hands on a towel. It would take forever for that stuff to get off. I was really trying not to stare at Edward in his swim trunks as I slipped off my flip-flops and walked down to the water's edge. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I put a little swing to my hips as I walked away from him. I had already noticed him trying to surreptitiously check me out in my swimsuit.

"All right, so this is how it works. Split up into your teams and line up on your respective buoy lines," I called out to everyone in the water as Edward stepped up next to me. "The object is to get the watermelon and get it past the other team's goal line. You may not pick the watermelon out of the water. No hitting, kicking, shoving people under water, you get the idea. We play to ten points."

Jacob had decided to stay on dry land and keep score and call fouls. Surprisingly, things between us were fairly easy. We didn't hang out or talk much. But it didn't feel too weird. He was still my Jake. I believed that, one day, our friendship would come through this and we would be fine. Maybe we wouldn't be as close as we'd been in the past, but we'd be okay.

Edward threw the melon into the center of the playing area. He joined one team and I joined the other. He called for the game to begin and splashing, grunting and general all around mayhem ensued. The clamor of bodies pushed, fought, and splashed as the melon was grabbed, slipped out of hands, disappeared under the water before popping up somewhere else and eventually made it across a goal line. The plays were called, the melon starting out at the center line each time before the game continued. The score stayed evenly matched throughout, each team scoring alternating goals.

The youth staffers, though on the teams, stayed for the most part to the outsides of the action, helping to make sure everything stayed safe. I hadn't even touched the melon throughout the whole game. But since my job was mainly to watch the action, I'd had plenty of time to ogle Edward as his lithe body cut through the water, his strong arms propelling him quickly back and forth, water glistening on his chest and dripping off his head as he shook it out each time he surfaced. I really tried to keep my eyes off him since I was supposed to be making sure everyone was safe. _But come on!_ It was tough.

Suddenly the watermelon landed in front of me and I jumped, or rather swam, into action. I wrapped one arm around the slippery oblong shape and hunched around it to try and keep it secure as I swam with the other arm, kicking hard toward the other team's line. Since I was a little ways out of the fray, I was able to get a considerable way toward the goal before someone latched onto me from behind. Someone with long muscular arms and a solid chest.

_Oh Lord, help me._

I twisted, trying to break his hold and kicked powerfully. But it was no use. It was ridiculous to think I could out-swim a Coast Guard officer. So I decided on a defensive tactic and curled into a ball, bringing my knees up and hunched my torso around it, with my arms wrapped around the slimy melon. Edward's arm was around my waist as the other fought my hold, trying to get it out of my grasp but he couldn't get a good enough grip on it. I shrieked and spit out the water that flooded my mouth.

"Come on, Bella. Give it up," he grunted. "You know you're not going to win this one."

"No way!" I fought back.

And the blasted man cheated. He began tickling my sides trying to get me to release. I shrieked and laughed and rolled, but I didn't let go.

"All right, you asked for it," he said, winding his arm around me and suddenly I felt myself being pulled through the water very quickly.

"Edward!" I gasped as water cascaded over my shoulders, my hair trailing in the wake. "Let me go!"

"Not a chance," he laughed.

I could hear the shouts of the kids as I felt his muscles contract and release, moving fluidly and with ease. "This has to be against the rules! Let me go!"

He just laughed and held me all that much tighter. My blood was pumping and my body felt alive. I reveled in his hold even as I fought it. But far too soon his arms left me and I found myself at the goal line.

He swam back around to face me, a triumphant and self-satisfied grin on his face that I couldn't help but return. "Don't mess with me, little girl. You might not like the result," he said with a wink before swimming away.

_Oh, I think I might._

I was useless for the rest of the game, thinking about Edward's firm body against mine and the light in his eyes as he'd teased me. The other team ended up winning but I didn't care. I felt like the tides were changing and maybe, just maybe, Edward was snapping out of whatever funk had seized him.

I wrapped my towel around myself and walked quietly back to the cabin. All the girls were taking turns showering, crowding around the mirror, reapplying makeup, fixing their hair, and getting dressed for dinner. When they saw me, they giggled a little.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," they chimed.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I carried my tray over to a table full of my girls and set it down in an empty spot. Suddenly, they quit talking and when I looked up at them, little giggles escaped their pinched lips.

Paranoia filled my mind when I thought about all the possibilities. Had they smeared jello on my chair and I'd unwittingly sat in it? Did they know something about the chili that I didn't? "What's going on, girls?"

Their faces smoothed out in feigned innocence. But a couple of them betrayed their secret when their eyes darted across the room. I turned my head to look and saw Edward sitting at a table, his eyes on me, a smile that could only be described as…_fond_ on his face. I felt my cheeks heat as I turned back around and the girls noticed my telltale blush.

"Ooh! Bella!" they tittered.

I shook my head. "Girls, you're being silly."

"Whatever you say," Angela said with a laugh.

I chose to focus on my slab of cornbread and bowl full of beans and meat. Thankfully, the girls got distracted by something else and were talking about heading back to school in just a few weeks and all the teachers they hoped they'd have or _not _have.

A large hand clamped over my shoulder and when I looked up, I saw Jacob smiling softly down at me. "Hey, Bells, is everything ready for the game tonight?"

"Yes, absolutely," I said quickly. Capture the Flag was the plan for the night.

After dinner, I went back to the cabin and dressed warmly for the game. When we met on the field at eight o'clock, flashlights in hand, Edward was there with the flags.

"Hey," he said, tugging on my ponytail. I was beginning to think he just liked touching my hair.

I smiled. "Hey."

He folded his arms and sighed. "Yeah… I'm pretty sure your team is gonna get your butts handed to you again."

"You're not competitive at all, are you, Edward?" I scoffed teasingly. "We'll see who comes out on top."

He coughed a little and scratched the back of his neck and I realized his mind had gone a completely different direction than what I'd intended.

I suppressed a laugh and bumped his arm with mine. "Mind out of the gutter, Masen," I said, quietly.

I smirked when he struggled to clear his throat.

We numbered off and formed teams. General boundaries were established for each team's home territory. Edward and I took our teams out into the woods to hide our flags and establish a jail. After a few minutes I blew an air horn to signify the beginning of the game and we fanned out silently into the undergrowth.

I went out to the edge of the boundary and walked carefully along the perimeter with my flashlight off so as not to be detected. Occasionally I stopped behind a tree when I heard noises. The light of the moon slightly illuminated the ferns, berry bushes and rhododendrons nestled beneath the majestic firs and cedars. I recognized the boundary line when I crossed into the other team's territory and moved even more stealthily, not wanting to be caught.

Hearing footsteps, I quickly and quietly slid on my belly underneath a nurse log. When I peered out from underneath the draping moss, I could see a dark figure moving slowly through the trees. I couldn't quite make out the person's features, but by the way they moved and their approximate size, I guessed that it was Sam. I waited till he passed and I could no longer hear his movements before rolling out, rising to my hands and knees and crouched for another moment, just listening before I carefully continued treading over the soft forest floor teeming with fungi, saplings, decaying wood, and moss.

A spotted owl let out its night cry as I skirted around an enormous tree trunk. I looked down when I nearly tripped over an exposed root and squeaked in surprise when long arms wrapped around me from behind and covered my mouth.

"Gotcha," Edward breathed in my ear as I breathed heavily from fright.

I grabbed at his arm, trying to pull his hand from my mouth as I fought against him. But of course, he held me tight.

_Shoot!_ I really didn't want him to win _this_ game too. Adrenaline coursed through me and I didn't think, I just acted. I stomped down hard on his instep with my heel.

"Ahh! Damn it, Bella!" he cried and loosened his hold just a bit. Not much, but enough for me to wrench free and start running.

But he was on me in an instant, arms around my waist as he tackled me to the ground. "Oof." The air rushed out of me as he landed hard on my back. When he raised himself up a bit to take his weight off me, I started scrambling, trying to get out from under him. But he grabbed my leg and wouldn't let me advance any further. I rolled to my back and began kicking at his grip on my leg.

"Shit!" he hissed. "Bella, do you have to be so violent?"

Even though it was just a game, my fight-or-flight reflex had kicked in and he wasn't going to win without a _good_ fight. I didn't really want to hurt him, but if a little pain was what it took for me to get away from him, I was ready to dish it out.

It didn't take long for him to subdue my other leg with his other hand, then crawling up my body and straddling my waist to prevent any more attacks by my legs, he pinned my swinging arms on either side of my head. "Are you done?" he asked, panting.

My chest rose and fell rapidly as I stared up at him in utter frustration. "I haven't even gotten started."

He laughed. "Oh really? You seem to be a little immobilized at the moment."

"It'll be stealth. I'm lulling you into a false sense of security."

I could just barely see the wide grin that spread across his face. "You are completely surprising."

_I_ was completely surprising? Me? How about the crazy schizophrenic behavior he'd been exhibiting? "_I'm_ completely surprising? Let's talk about _you_, Lieutenant Masen!"

"What would you do if I kissed you right now?" he interrupted, that wide grin still on his face.

Well, that shut me up. For a moment, anyway. "You wouldn't."

He lowered himself just slightly. "How do you know I wouldn't?"

My heart was beating wildly in my chest and it had nothing to do with the physical exertion. "I just know."

The earthy scent of the soil mixed with the scent of Edward as he came even closer. I could feel his breath against my lips. "But you think I'm surprising," he said. "So, if I did…this…" he said as he ran the tip of his nose along my jaw up to my ear. "That would surprise you?" he murmured.

I was incapable of speech or anything resembling rational thought.

"What about…this?" he asked as he softly rubbed his stubbly cheek across mine till his mouth hovered over my lips. "Or this?" he asked before gently kissing the corner of my mouth, then, ever so lightly, grazing his lips across mine to kiss the other corner. "Does that surprise you?" His voice was low and incredibly sexy and I was quivering beneath him.

He raised back up, just a little, as he stared down at me. I couldn't see his eyes, only shadows where I knew they studied my incredibly needy state. Then releasing a guttural groan he descended on me, capturing my lips with his. I could feel him vibrating as he seemed to completely let himself go, pulling my bottom lip into his mouth, then the top one. Nipping with his teeth on my sensitive flesh, then running the tip of his tongue where he'd bitten.

I couldn't fight it. I didn't want to fight it. I gave myself over because I was tired of resisting my feelings. Something in me shouted to take what I could while he was giving it because I didn't know when he'd pull back again. I hoped he wouldn't. I parted my lips and began to kiss him back with equal fervor. He slid his tongue against mine with determination, and it was hot and breathy and all the while he was groaning and saying my name as he gasped for breath, before consuming me all over again.

I had _never_ been kissed like _that_ before.

He released my pinned wrists, leaning on his elbows, while plunging his fingers into my hair at the nape of my neck.

"You have no idea," he gasped, then he was kissing my neck, swirling on my skin. He pulled my earlobe in his mouth, flicking it with his tongue and I was in sensory overload. I'd gone so long with nothing and suddenly it was like a dam had burst. "I want," he groaned. "I want." He gripped the back of my neck as he laid claim to my mouth once again.

My body began to squirm. He was making me feel. And I hadn't _really_ felt in so long. _Closer. Please, closer._ "What? What do you want?" I breathed as he tugged at the neck of my hooded sweatshirt and his mouth fell on my collar bone, sucking hard on the skin there.

"So bad… I want this so bad. I want _you_ so bad," he growled, before gently biting the skin at the crook of my neck.

"Unnn," I groaned. My back arched and suddenly he thrust his hips into mine. I threw my head back and he stilled. _No, don't stop, please don't stop._ I didn't know what I wanted him to do. No, that was a lie. I knew. But if we didn't stop we'd be in an even more inappropriate state than we already were.

He dropped his face in the crook of my shoulder and I could feel him shaking. I was trying so hard to remain absolutely still and not push up for more friction.

"We have to stop," he said with a rasp. "I don't know if I can control myself."

I squeezed my eyes shut, but I couldn't turn it off. I couldn't shut off these feelings he'd released and his weight on top of me felt so good and I had to move, just a little more. Just a tiny bit. So I slowly rocked upwards and he moaned, taking my lips again. I was absolutely shameless. And I think I would have done anything he wanted me to do in that instant. So when he kissed me hard, his tongue delving forcefully, and he again thrust down on me, I lost it. I was his, however he wanted me. "Yes, please," I panted, breaking away.

And suddenly the cold air chilled my skin as his weight lifted and he fell to the ground beside me, panting. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Bella." I lay there a squirming, quivering mess, dying just a little that he had stopped and he was apologizing. "That was way over the line," he groaned.

Just then we heard footsteps and two people talking. We lay, not moving a muscle. They were coming our way. They were going to trip over us if we didn't move. Suddenly, Edward jumped into action.

"I got you," he said, hauling me to my feet. "You're coming with me now."

"Oh, hey, Edward," Jared said. "You caught one?"

"Sure did," he said with a smile.

"Me too," Jared grinned, holding onto the collar of Jacob's shirt.

I was glad it was pretty dark and they couldn't see the flushed tone of my skin from Edward's and my heavy make out session.

"All right, let's go," Edward said, grabbing my arm and pulling me along behind Jared and Jake.

I was done for. My brain was a fog and my body was on fire. And yet, I trudged through the ferns, alongside Edward and behind the other two men, wondering where this left us.

* * *

><p><strong>It was brought to my attention that nurse log may not be a term most people are familiar with. A nurse log is a fallen tree that provides nutrients to other plantsmoss/fungi/seedlings, etc., as it decays. You will see lots of moss and other stuff all over these logs. Sometimes full grown trees grow off a nurse log. "You can Google it."**

**S****o... What did you think of the chapter?**

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**Also, I'm still sick - and so are the littles, so bear with me if the next update takes a little longer, but I'm hoping to stay on track.**

**Love and hugs! (virtual hugs anyway, you wouldn't want to hug me right now, you might catch something.)**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**Sorry for the long wait. Sick kids, work, parties, blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. I won't bore you any more. Thank you so much for all your patience and concern! Here it is! Hope you enjoy! :D**

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><p>The walk to the other Capture the Flag team's jail – where Edward took me after "capturing" me – was odd. I breathed in and out, trying to calm my body, but the physical connection of Edward's steady hand on my arm brought continual flashbacks of his hands and his lips on me as we lay tangled on the forest floor.<p>

When Jared and Edward left Jake and me at the jail, Edward's hand trailed down my arm and grasped my pinky finger for just a second before letting go. "Good luck, you guys," he said, blithely, before turning and running off into the dark with Jared.

No one else saw. But, to me, it was like a cord tightened and vibrated between my pinky finger and my clenching stomach. My eyes drooped and I breathed through my nose, trying to hide how he affected me.

Jake and I leaned back to back on the stump that was guarded by Tyler. No one ever came to get us out of the jail so we sat and chatted. Jake was a bit quieter than usual, but for the most part we talked comfortably. I asked about his sister, Rachel. She and I had never really been that close, but she'd always been around when we were growing up. He told me about the work she was doing, drilling wells with a relief organization in India. He asked me about the library and I told him about the work I was doing with a team of people for the school's accreditation review.

As we sat there, Tyler even got to talking. It sounded like he and Lauren were on the outs by the way he talked. Listening to him, I thought he was probably a good kid. He'd made some poor judgments about whom to trust, but he seemed like a pretty good guy. I felt badly for him that he had gotten mixed up with Lauren. But he seemed to have realized that it was a bad situation and he was working out how to get away from it.

After we'd talked for a while, we sat quietly, but not uncomfortably. We could hear the crickets and the frogs all around, along with the occasional shriek of a teenager coming from the woods around us. My mind kept going back to _that kiss_. Every time I thought about it, about the way his body moved, about the groans that fell from his lips, and his strangled confession that he wanted me, my stomach quivered and tingles ran up my spine.

I wondered what he was thinking as he continued to play the game. I hadn't fought his kiss. Quite the contrary, I'd given myself over, revealing my hand. If he didn't know the depth of my desire for him, he must be blind, or have some kind of serious sensory impairment. No. He knew. The question was, what would he do with that knowledge. What would _I_ do with the knowledge that he seemed to feel the same way?

I didn't speak with Edward again that night or the next morning or on the trip back to the church from Lake Crescent. We were both busy with the kids in our cabins and we ended up in different vans on the way back. The tension within me was ridiculous. My heart wanted to hope but it didn't dare, for fear of being crushed by disappointment and rejection all over again.

Parents sat in the church parking lot, waiting for their kids to come home. We unloaded the vans and I was walking over to my truck when Edward ran up beside me, keeping pace.

"Hey," I said, inserting the key in the lock, not wanting to look at him in fear of what I would see. But his hand shot out and covered mine, stopping me from opening the door. After a moment, I looked up at him, steeling myself against what I was almost sure he was going to say. _Bella, it was a mistake…_

"Hey," he breathed. His gaze held pain. "Can I come over later?" So vulnerable.

My eyes widened. "Yeah, sure," I said. "I should be home all day. Whenever is fine."

He gave me a slight smile and surprised me by folding me in his arms for a tender hug. I felt his face in my hair as he breathed in deeply before leaving without another word.

I was jittery all day. I did some laundry, trying to block out the memories as I scrubbed the dirt stains on my jeans that I'd obtained from fighting and…_laying_ under Edward in the woods. I hadn't slept much on the retreat and I was exhausted, so I decided to try and take a nap.

Some time later, I woke to a ringing. I rubbed my eyes, looking over at the clock. _Six-thirty…?_ I stared at the numbers, confused. I heard the ringing again. Finally, I realized that it was six-thirty in the evening and it was my door bell that was making the ringing sound. I had fallen asleep in just a tank top so I threw on a pair of jeans as I stumbled out of the room and down the stairs.

Edward stood on my porch, his hands in his pockets and his hair in complete disarray. He looked up at me when I opened the door and his eyes glazed over a bit.

"Hey," I said, still feeling a little fuzzy from my long nap.

He cleared his throat a bit. "Hey."

I stepped to the side, silently inviting him in. Closing the door behind him, I stood in front of it, picking my nails as he stood staring at me. When he didn't say anything more, I spoke up. "Um, have you eaten? I can…throw something together?"

He smiled. "Yeah, I already ate. I can't stay long. I'm on duty tonight."

"Oh," I said. Was he just there for a ditch and run?

"Listen, I need to talk to you," he said, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck, eyes glued to the floor. "I want to tell you everything."

_Here it comes_, I thought, my shoulders curling around my chest, anticipating the blow.

"And I was going to. But then they called me in to work tonight. We need to…talk about what's going on and I'll tell you…everything you need to know."

I held my breath and tried to remain unaffected.

"But for now, I just wanted to make sure you knew…" His tormented eyes met mine. "That you knew that I'm not playing you, Bella."

_What?_

"I'm so sorry, _so_ sorry, if I hurt you before. I _never_ wanted to hurt you. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do." He ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not trying to…yank you around or anything. Last night…" he shut his eyes and his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. "I've wanted to do that for a long time." Then he looked up at me, his eyes hooded. "A long time," he whispered. "And I'm not messing with you. I care about you…more than you know."

I frowned, trying to decipher his words.

He took a step closer and dropped his voice. "I just want you to be clear. On my intentions." Then brushing a strand of hair behind my ear, he continued in a near whisper, "I want you. I wanted you, all along. I never _stopped_ wanting you. And…if you'll have me, I would like the chance to show you how I feel."

I opened my mouth to attempt an answer, though I felt as though I'd been struck mute. But he quickly and gently pressed his index finger to my lips.

"Please don't answer now. We have things…to talk about first. And I'll come back, tomorrow night or whenever you want. But I couldn't let it go any longer without you knowing…what I want."

"What you want," I repeated hoarsely, locked in his hypnotic gaze.

He stepped forward again. He was so close. I could see the little patch of stubble under his chin that he'd missed while shaving. He took in a shaky breath, and his fingers slid around to the back of my neck, leaving trails of goosebumps and sending shivers down my back, which was now against the door. He dropped his forehead to mine and closed his eyes. "I can't…" He sighed heavily, then began again. "I have to kiss you."

I gasped. I didn't know if I'd ever wanted to kiss someone so badly as I wanted to kiss him in that moment. Every fiber of my being stretched, opened, waited to receive whatever he would give me.

After a moment, his soft lips pressed against mine. Slowly, they pushed and slid and my own responded in kind. His fingers gripped the back of my neck, while his thumbs guided my jaw, lifting my face up to meet his more fully. He let out a hot and shaky breath into my mouth and I put my hands on his chest, sliding them up over his firm muscles, over his shoulders, and threaded my fingers in his hair. I'd been wanting to touch it for so long and it was so soft. He groaned and I tugged, just a little, pressing myself against him. I could feel his tension as he worked to keep things slow. When he ran his tongue across my slightly parted lips, I sighed and opened to him. He dropped one hand to my waist, moving it around to my back, then sliding his warm hand under the hem of my shirt he pulled me closer as he pushed me harder against the door. His warm callused hand pressed into the skin of my back and I wanted to crawl inside of him. Our tongues searched tentatively, danced languorously, and twirled insistently. Heat rushed through my body and I didn't care _what_ his secret was. I wanted him and whatever it was couldn't possibly be bad enough to make me stop wanting. He pulled away, then placed a single, soft kiss to my lips, slowly. It felt like adoration. Then, cradling my head against his chest, he dropped his head to my shoulder and breathed into the crook of my neck.

"Bella, I…" he said and then groaned, placing light kisses to my neck and shoulder. "This is too important," he said. "I can _not_ mess this up.

It was overwhelming. My heart filled and dared to hope. Tears pricked at my eyes as I started to really realize just how devastated I would have been if he'd rejected me again. I had been keeping that worry at bay, not wanting to let myself be vulnerable to it. It would have been crushing. And I felt my hopes swell at his words.

Gripping my shoulders, he stepped back and looked into my eyes. Fierce determination blazed there and my breath momentarily caught in my throat. "You are so precious to me," he said and then waited, as though allowing his words to sink in. "I have to go now. But I'll be back tomorrow…or whenever you want me to come. We'll talk." I nodded, too overwhelmed to say anything. "I just couldn't bear to let you think I wasn't serious about you any longer."

He gave me one soft but lingering kiss on the lips, then, smiling almost sadly, he said goodbye and left.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

On Monday afternoon, I was in the stacks, searching for material on Russia's Decembrist Revolt. Suddenly I felt someone looming over my shoulder.

"Hey," he whispered.

"Oh!" I startled and spun around. "Riley… Hi. What are you doing here?" I asked, not quite meeting his eye.

He smiled broadly. "I just wanted to see you…and surprise you with this," he said, pulling a bouquet of roses out from behind his back."

"Wow," I breathed, rubbing the sides of my skirt between my fingers, and blinking my eyes. "That's so…nice of you."

He was still holding them out to me and my heart felt like a lead weight. I forced a smile and took them from his hands.

"Beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl," he said softly. He brushed my hair behind my shoulder and I stiffened as he leaned in slowly, giving me a soft kiss on the cheek.

I cleared my throat nervously. "Um, thank you. You didn't have to do that."

He smiled. "I wanted to. You _should_ get flowers."

I felt my cheeks heat and fiddled with the decorative tissue that was wrapped around the very expensive looking roses. "I'll just, uh…put these in some water."

He followed me back to my office and leaned against the door frame, just watching as I busied myself looking for something to put the flowers in. "Can I take you out tonight?" he asked.

"Uhh, I think I'm busy tonight," I said, searching through my cabinet, knocking over a stack of rolls of book tape. Then as I scrambled to pick those up, I knocked some old card catalog cards out onto the floor, hundreds of three by five cards scattering all over the tightly woven carpet. I stooped to pick them all up and Riley joined me in collecting them.

"How about tomorrow night, then?"

I didn't answer right away, stuffing more cards into the box as I thought about how to respond. He handed me the stack of cards he'd picked up and his brown eyes crinkled warmly.

We stood slowly. "Riley, I don't think I'm going to be available tomorrow night either," I said quietly.

He pressed his lips together and narrowed his eyes, realizing this wasn't just about being busy. "What's up, Bella?"

I took a deep breath. _Band-aid. Just like a band-aid. Just rip it off_, I told myself. "I'm sorry, I just don't think we should see each other anymore."

He was quiet for a moment. "Did I do something?"

"No, you were perfect," I rushed to reassure him. "I mean really, perfect. Just…"

He gave me a half smile. "Let me guess. You just weren't that into me."

I laughed a little and lightly bit the inside of my cheek. "I guess not," I said. He seemed to be taking the news fairly well. "I'm really sorry, Riley."

He watched me for a few seconds before a sly look overtook his face. "Are you sure you can't be convinced?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye. "Because I can be very convincing."

I smiled. "I'm sure you can be."

"Is there someone else?" He looked at me intently.

I decided to reply as honestly as I could. "I'm not sure. There is…the hope of someone else."

Sighing, he ran his hand through his hair. "Well, I wish you every happiness, Bella," he said, smiling a little wistfully. "He's a very lucky man, and he had better be good to you."

Picking up the flowers from my desk, I held them out to him. "You should take these."

He shook his head. "No, those are yours. I meant what I said that someone should be bringing you flowers." He stepped in close and folded me into a gentle hug. "Friends can give friends red roses, right?"

I laughed as I hugged him back. "Riley, you really are wonderful."

When he stepped back, he was smiling. "Take care of yourself, Bella."

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

That night I walked into my quiet house in a bit of a daze. The conversation with Riley had gone really well. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better.

I was still wrapping my mind around the fact that Edward wanted me. And I wanted him. I knew there were things to work out, but couldn't we figure them out, whatever they were? He had said that he would come by, but I didn't know when that would be. I hoped soon. I was ready for this whole mess to be behind us. I was tired of living in this state of tension and the unknown.

After dinner, cell phone within my reach, I decided to veg in front of the TV, not wanting to miss a call from Edward. Looking up, my eyes fell on the picture of Emmett and me on our wedding day. I frowned a little.

How long should I leave it there? Would it be weird, if I was dating, to still have it on display? Of course, Emmett was a big part of my life and that would never change. But he was no longer the man in my life. I would never stop loving him, but if I wanted to move on, I felt that I needed to _really_ move on.

My chest tightened as I walked over to the mantel and took the picture in my hands. I looked at our rosy faces, so full of life and excitement for the future. It hadn't turned out like we thought.

But that was okay. I knew that Emmett wasn't sorry. Where he was, he wasn't wishing to be back on earth.

All his tears had been wiped away.

And I… Well, I was starting to believe that I had my own bright future ahead of me.

My eyes stayed fixed on Emmett's as I slowly climbed the stairs to my bedroom. I laid the picture on the bed as I opened the closet and pulled down the box of keepsakes Emmett had up on the top shelf. The cardboard box was stained, the edges softened from too much handling, the corners and seams reinforced with duct tape.

I took it over to the bed and sat down, filled with trepidation and yet confident in my resolve. When I lifted the lid, the first thing I saw was his old football jersey from high school. I lifted it to my face and breathed in deeply. It still smelled faintly of him. My throat ached and tears filled my eyes, trickling down my cheeks onto the porous navy blue jersey.

I laid it to the side and began sifting through his memories: high school diploma, various medals from the Coast Guard, his old baseball glove, and various other treasures. A lump rose in my throat and I choked on a sob when I saw the tiny Chicago Cubs baseball cap, his favorite team. I remembered the time he'd taken a trip to the store for socks and come home with the baby ball cap. He'd had the biggest smile when he showed it to me, placing his hand on my belly in anticipation of the child he had hoped for. At the time, the idea of a baby had terrified me but I'd smiled at him and whispered, "Someday."

I bit my lip and set the cap aside, looking back into the box. Tucked beneath an old stuffed animal was an envelope of pictures that I pulled out and opened. On top was one of Emmett and me at the beach. My eyes were bright and I was laughing. His arm was slung around my neck. He was kissing my cheek, his dimples revealing his grin, as he held the camera out to take a picture of us. I smiled as I flipped to the next picture, which was taken on his graduation day from the Academy. His mom stood proudly beside him and he looked so handsome in his white cap with black bill and his uniform with brass buttons shining. I continued flipping, finding various pictures from hikes, fishing trips, and family birthdays. Then I came to a picture of two young boys with their arms around each other, toothless grins on their faces. I recognized Emmett right away. Both boys wore raggedy jean shorts and dirty shirts. Emmett held a large frog in his free hand, his dark hair curling around his ears. When I looked at the other boy, my chest tightened. His shorts were pulled just a little too high and they were held in place by a wide belt. His shirt was tucked in and he wore a pair of Coke bottle glasses. A smattering of freckles dusted his nose and his mess of bronze hair glinted in the sunlight. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as I slowly turned the picture over and saw the faint handwriting there.

_Emmett and Teddy, 1993_.

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><p><strong>S<strong>**o... What did you think of the chapter?**

**Reviewers will get a little teaser that will not be posted anywhere else (I also post teasers on ADF and Fictionators) - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know!**

**So, I hope to have 13 posted by next weekend, but I'm getting to a delicate part in the story and I'm needing to make sure I get it all just right. So it will be up as soon as possible. Thank you!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**Here we go, y'all. This is it.**

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><p><em>My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as I slowly turned the picture over and saw the faint handwriting there.<em>

_Emmett and Teddy, 1993._

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

My blood was pumping. My heart pounding. There was a roaring sound becoming more and more deafening in my ears.

_It can't be, it can't be_, I thought, shaking my head and covering my mouth with one trembling hand.

I looked down and flipped to the next picture. The same two boys, a little thinner, a little taller, standing in a canoe, just off the shore, laughing and waving at the camera. The next picture showed all gangly arms and knobby knees, perhaps about 14 years old, both in basketball uniforms, arms around each other on a hardwood gym floor. Both boys had matured a bit. Emmett had the beginnings of a goatee. _Teddy's_ jaw had become square, his cheeks hollowed just a bit, displaying his sharp cheekbones, and the thick glasses were gone.

My breathing grew shallow. If I'd had any doubt that this was Edward after the first picture, it was completely gone by this last one.

Next, there was a picture of Emmett and Edward in their caps and gowns, diplomas in hand. And finally, a picture in front of a loaded truck with a sign that said, _Connecticut or Bust_. They'd even gone to the Academy together?

Why had I never heard about _Teddy_ who had obviously played such a big role in Emmett's life?

Anger pulsed through me. I suddenly wanted to yell. I wanted to scream at Edward for lying to me. Tears blurred my vision and I took some deep breaths, trying to calm down.

My thoughts raced as I started putting things together. No wonder he pulled away so hard after seeing my wedding picture. But then what made him come back? A sense of duty? To take care of his friend's widow? And why didn't he just tell me when he did come back?

_We need to…talk about what's going on and I'll tell you…everything you need to know, _was what he'd said.

I figured that was what he planned to tell me: how he'd been taken by surprise to discover I was the widow of his childhood friend.

But then my stomach lurched as another possibility rattled in my mind and creeping insecurity chilled me to the core. What if he _had_ known all along? What if that's why he pursued me in the first place? Was it a misguided attempt to take care of his friend's widow? Did he think I was weak? That I needed help? _Or worse_, just an easy target?

Perhaps he pulled away out of guilt after seeing the picture. Maybe it was too much to see.

I was shaking and rocking by this point. Fury coursed through my veins and I just couldn't remain still.

I looked at my watch: seven o'clock. If Edward had gotten a call in the middle of the night, he probably slept most of the day. I couldn't decide if I wanted him there immediately or not. I wanted to rip into him. I wanted to demand to know what exactly was going on. But I was also terrified to see him and I wondered if I needed some time.

_No. Now. _

I was sure he had to be awake by that point. Even if he wasn't, I just didn't care. I was done with this game. I picked up my phone and squinted against my furious tears to dial his number.

"Hey, sweet girl," he answered, warm gentle tones coloring his voice.

"Where are you?" I demanded.

He paused. "I was just finishing up dinner and was about to call to see if I could come over."

"Yeah, I think you should come now," I said, my voice shaking.

Another pause. "All right. I'll be right there." I heard dishes clanging in the sink and he cleared his throat. "Is everything okay?"

"We'll see," I clipped out.

Bigger pause. "I'll be right there," he said and I hung up. I couldn't trust myself to say anything more without demanding my answers and I really wanted to ask him in person. I wanted to see his face when I confronted him.

I paced the kitchen, the stack of pictures in my hands till I heard the crunch of tires on gravel. He was at the door by the time I opened it, eyes cautious, one hand in his hair.

He came in when I didn't say anything and he closed the door.

"Hey," he breathed and one corner of his mouth turned up.

I didn't know what to say. Where would I start? My voice was trembling in barely restrained fury. "How long?" I gritted out.

His eyes widened slightly. "How long what, Bella?"

"How long have you known?"

His mouth dropped open as he stared at me. "A while," he admitted.

"You lied to me!"

He was shaking his head and his hands shot up in a defensive motion. "I never lied."

"You conveniently left out something pretty major. That's called lying."

"Okay, okay, you're right," he placated. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I just couldn't…"

"You couldn't? You couldn't what? You couldn't tell me the truth? Did you think I'd never find out?"

"No, I… I didn't know how to tell you. I chickened out. I was a coward."

"You _are _a coward."

He flinched at my accusation. "I was planning to tell you tonight."

"Tell me what this is," I demanded, thrusting the stack of photos into his hands.

He was quiet, staring at the picture of him with Emmett holding the frog. He blinked several times and his eyes glistened.

He cleared his throat softly and his voice was rough when he finally spoke. "I tried to leave you alone. I couldn't just go after you… How could I pursue my best friend's wife? How could I do that?"

I stared at him and I was fairly sure my heart skipped several beats as he confirmed to me exactly what the pictures indicated. "I don't understand why I never heard about you. And why didn't _you_ tell me?"

His eyes were baleful, looking at me with so much fear and yet resigned sadness. "Because I knew if I told you…" His voice dropped to a near whisper. "That you'd never speak to me again." My stomach clenched in apprehension and he continued. "I couldn't stand for you to hate me. I'd already made him hate me. And the way I feel about you," he said, shaking his head with a sigh. "Bella, I've never felt this way about anyone before." His green eyes seemed to glow as his pinched brows implored me. "And I couldn't face your hatred, too. It seemed like pulling away was the lesser of two evils. I guess I avoided you before, because…I'd rather have the ability to still be in your life in some form…" he said, shaking his head.

I stared at him, bewildered and a little frightened. I couldn't imagine Emmett ever hating anyone. Of everyone I ever knew, he loved people. He _really loved_ people. I never heard a negative word come out of his mouth about anyone. "Edward, what do you mean? What are you telling me?" What could he possibly have done to deserve Emmett's _hatred_?

"Can we sit down?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. He sat beside me on the couch, leaving enough space for me to feel comfortable, the pictures staring at me from the coffee table.

He took a deep breath and looked into my eyes. "Emmett and I grew up next door to each other." He paused, almost as though he was letting that sink in. "We were the same age, but he was like a big brother to me. He was the kid everyone liked. I was the kid everyone loved to pick on. He was my protector, he stuck up for me. And I felt important because the popular guy was my best friend. I would have been content to disappear into math and science. But he got me involved in sports and hiking and fishing. He was really the one that helped build my self confidence and bring me out of my shell. After high school, we decided to go to the Academy together. Well… He decided to go to the Academy and I decided to follow him rather than become an accountant," he said with a fond smile.

My mouth gaped as he talked. This was a whole new side of my husband. It was true that Emmett didn't talk about his childhood much. I always just thought it was because he was a "live in the moment" kind of guy. He wasn't one to dwell on the past. Of course I knew about his family and had met them on several occasions. I knew where he'd grown up and the activities he'd been involved in. But I didn't know that much about friends. And the way Edward talked, it sounded as though their friendship was a big part of both their lives. How did I never hear about it?

I gripped the edges of the couch cushion I was perched on like a life raft. "Why didn't he ever tell me about you, Edward?"

His eyes dropped. "Because I betrayed him and he hated me."

All the wind was knocked out of me. Cold fingers wrapped around my heart and squeezed. My hopes were crashing down in a pile around me.

He leaned forward, resting his head in his hands, and tugged his hair till I could see his knuckles whitening. "He hated me because I was an asshole. There's no other way to describe it except I was a pompous bastard and I forgot everything that was important."

The roaring in my ears had returned. How could I be involved with someone that was _such_ a jerk that my husband actually _hated_ him? I breathed slowly, trying to focus on what he was saying.

"I had always been the _wanna-be_. The only reason people gave me any respect whatsoever growing up was because I was Emmett's friend. He would have pounded anyone who tried to hurt me." He squeezed the knuckles on alternating hands and studied the motion as he spoke. "I was tired of being the geek so I wanted to start new at the Academy. I wanted to be respected because of who _I_ was, not because of who I was friends with." He laughed without humor and I swallowed roughly. "I had spent a lifetime watching Emmett. He was so confident and people flocked to him. So, I started acting confident, even if I didn't feel it. I had already gotten corrective eye surgery so I didn't have to wear those ridiculous glasses anymore. And amazingly, I made lots of friends. Guys wanted to be me and girls wanted to be with me. I started partying and getting drunk all the time. Emmett told me that I was being an idiot and that I wasn't myself. I didn't listen. I resented him for trying to correct me and for the way I had always needed his help."

I listened as the confession poured out of him. But I was bracing myself for whatever he would tell me. Why did it feel like the light in my life was dimming? So much for my positive thinking.

"I met this girl," he continued. "Victoria. She was attractive and she seemed to really be into me. Or at least the me I was putting out there. Emmett never liked her. He barely acknowledged her when she was around. I thought he was jealous. We dated for a while and I really thought she was it. I bought her everything she wanted, took her on expensive dates. Occasionally she had bills she couldn't pay and she asked for money. I never hesitated," he said, shaking his head. "She built up my ego. She complimented me, told me all kinds of stuff about how great I was. Then she started making comments about Emmett and how he was jealous of me and stuff. After a while, I started to believe her. I loved her, or at least I thought I did," he said with a sigh. "Turns out I didn't even know her. One night we all went out to a bar and she went to the bathroom. She was gone a while and after a few minutes Emmett had to step outside to take a phone call. When he came back he told me that he'd seen Victoria making out with some guy out against the building," he said, his mouth twisting in disgust. "I didn't want to believe him. Then she came back inside and Emmett confronted her right there." He shook his head, staring at his shoes. "Of course, she denied it. And she claimed that Emmett had come onto her and blackmailed her. She said that he'd told her if she didn't sleep with him, he'd say she was cheating." Edward's face hardened as he kept talking. "Like an idiot, I believed her – even though I knew how he felt about waiting for marriage. I ended up punching him and leaving with Victoria."

My mind was reeling and I fought to hear him out rather than kick him out immediately.

He was quiet for a few moments, not meeting my shell-shocked gaze. "A few days later we had room inspections and drugs were found in Emmett's locker." Nausea welled up within me and I felt dizzy. I thought I was going to be sick as he continued. "We were both given drug tests that we passed and we were interrogated. Emmett ended up having to attend drug counseling and undergo random UA's for the rest of his time at the Academy. He requested room reassignment after that and it was granted. He didn't speak to me after that.

"When I told Victoria about what happened, she actually laughed. I may not have been on good terms with Emmett, but that pissed me off. We fought and she dumped me, saying she'd never loved me. She called me all sorts of names and let me know in no uncertain terms that I was deluded to ever think she could have loved me, the scum that I was," he said with a sneer.

"Things were pretty bad after that. I was crushed and bitter," he continued in a monotone, sounding defeated. "I'd lost my best friend, who had been closer than a brother to me, through my own fault. I'd lost the woman I thought I loved. I went into a depression. It wasn't until later that I suspected Victoria of planting the drugs. I remembered the time I'd misplaced my keys overnight and she gave them to me the next day, claiming I'd left them in her car. I thought she might have copied the key and snuck into our dorm room or had someone else do it, but I had no proof." He shook his head and rubbed his eyes while bitter acid filled my stomach and climbed my throat.

"We graduated and Emmett went to Rescue Swimmer Training School in North Carolina and I went to Flight School in Florida. I was stationed in Savannah after that and he was stationed here. After a couple years, I requested a transfer to Port Angeles. I wanted to beg his forgiveness." Taking a long, slow breath, he met my eyes. "His friendship had been the best of my life. Next to my family, I loved him more than anyone in the world and even if he didn't forgive me, I wanted him to know how sorry I was. Everything I've done since then… I've been trying to make myself a better man so I could earn the right to ask his forgiveness."

I snapped. I couldn't remain silent anymore. "So… Is that what I am? Am I your penance?" I hissed. "The lawn mowing? The chicken soup?"

His brow pinched. "No, of course not. I mean, yes, I felt guilty. But I just wanted to help you."

My cheeks flamed. _Pity._ I despised pity. Especially from him. "I don't need help. I've been making it just fine for two years."

"Bella, please. That's not what I feel for you," he said, shaking his head. "I did want to help you. And I can't deny that there was a bit of feeling responsible to take care of my friend's widow. But more than that, I just really care about you. And I was trying to express that the only way I could. The only way I knew how."

I felt captive to the onslaught of opposing emotions. I watched him in cautious disbelief, completely at a loss for how to respond.

He sighed. "Anyway, my request for transfer was denied and I heard through my parents that he'd gotten married, though I never heard the name of his…wife," he said, looking at me sadly. "Every time I came up for review, I renewed my request for transfer." He stared out the window, his shoulders slumped. "Of course, it wasn't till it was too late that they decided to send me here," he said, his hair a riot from all the anxious tugging.

When he turned back to me, he looked so tormented, his eyes verdant hollows of desperation. "I swear, I didn't know until that night I saw the picture." He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them to look at me again. "Bella, I've never had a real relationship. The girls I've dated… Well, Victoria was the only one I seriously dated – if you could call it that. You…scare me." His warm hand slid over and tentatively wrapped around mine. I wanted to snatch it away but I was paralyzed. "I know that I yanked you around – and I promise I wasn't trying to manipulate you or mess with your mind. I really did like you and I just don't know how to do this. I thought I was helping you to open up but you were right. I was being careless with your emotions. I promise that it wasn't my intent, but it was what happened anyway." He took a deep breath. "The way I feel about you… Well, I've never felt this way about anyone." My body shook with tremors and his hand tightened around mine. "I'm terrified to lose you and I knew, once I told you… Well, I knew you were going to hate me." He turned on the couch to face me fully, his eyes wide and sincere. Then continuing in a near whisper. "But Bella," he said, his free hand reaching up to gently brush my cheek. "Even if you hate me, I want you to know that I… I love you."

I felt my eyes fill with overwhelmed and angry tears. How dare he say that? How could he tell me that? After everything he'd just told me? How _dare_ he? How was I supposed to respond? It was all too much. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to hide in my room under the covers and block out the rest of the world. "I think you should leave," I said, almost robotically, as tears spilled over my cheeks. His eyes widened with panic. "I don't hate you. I just… I think you should leave." I was so angry, so crushed, so desperate, so scared. I didn't even know everything I was feeling. I needed to process. I couldn't give him any promises, I couldn't even say, _"Just give me time."_ I had no idea what this meant for me…or him…or us, if there could ever be an us.

He grasped both my hands in his, squeezing them tightly. "Bella," he said, hoarsely. "Bella, please." I cursed the compassion that warmed me when I saw his eyes brimming with his own tears.

I closed my eyes. "Please, just go."

After a moment, I felt his hands release mine and I heard him stand and walk across the room. I couldn't look at him. Then all was silent before I heard him open the door and softly close it behind him.

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><p><strong>In case you don't know, UA stands for urine analysis and is used for drug testing.<strong>

**S****o... What did you think of the chapter?**

**Reviewers will get a little teaser that will not be posted anywhere else (I also post teasers on ADF and Fictionators) - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know!**

**Next update will be as soon as possible. **


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :) Thank you to Rochelle Allison for pre-reading this chapter also! I value your thoughts and opinions so much. 3**

**Okay, everyone. This chapter deals a bit with matters of faith. Please know that I'm not trying to make any kind of statement. But I do have to be true to the story of these characters and convey their experience honestly. I hope you enjoy!**

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><p>On Tuesday, I called in sick to work. Wednesday too.<p>

I wasn't sick. Not in the traditional sense, anyway.

I spent my time huddled on the couch, watching movies on TV and trying to gain some distance from what Edward had told me. I think my brain needed a break before sorting through it all.

I watched reruns of M*A*S*H and The Cosby Show. But I found that watching Hawkeye, Hunnicutt, and the Huxtables was too mentally taxing. So I flipped to PBS where I spent hours engrossed in a marathon of Bob Ross and his "happy trees." His soothing voice lulled me into colorful dream-like states, filled with phthalo-blue water and sap-green eyes.

It seemed that even in my dreams I couldn't escape the turmoil that surrounded me.

On Thursday, I returned to work, but I did not go back to youth group. I just couldn't…yet.

On Friday, I was sitting at my desk, avoiding concerned glances from Jasper when my phone beeped with a text from Edward.

_Please talk to me, Bella. Just say something. _

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath through my nose. I couldn't yet. I didn't have any idea what to say to him. Not yet. There were so many things fighting for my emotional energy and there was just no space for any kind of discussion…yet. But I also felt like I needed to give some kind of response.

So I texted him back…the only thing I could say, which was exactly what I was thinking.

_Not yet._

I was indignant for how Edward had hurt Emmett. I couldn't believe anyone could do that to the sweetest man I'd ever known. I felt violent toward _Victoria_ for endangering Emmett's career with the Coast Guard and for using and manipulating Edward the way she had. It could have been so much worse for him when they found the drugs in his locker. I grieved for the pain and betrayal he'd suffered that I'd never heard about. But I also felt a bit hurt that he hadn't trusted me with this part of his past. It seemed like an awfully big thing to leave out.

That weekend, I found myself sitting at the kitchen table in front of a pad of paper, pen in hand.

_Dear Emmett,_

_I am at a complete loss. I just miss you so much. I wish you were still here. I am so sorry you went through such a rough time at the Academy. I wish I had known about it. I wish I had been there to help you. It couldn't have been easy. Why didn't you tell me? _

I stared at the paper, my fingers pinching around the pen. I wondered if he could see what I was doing. I wondered what he thought about my relationship with Edward. No, he probably couldn't see. I thought it would hurt him too much, so I was sure God wouldn't let him see.

I swallowed back the nausea.

_Was it just too painful to talk about? _

I couldn't imagine that was the case. He wasn't confrontational by nature, but he didn't have a problem addressing problems head on.

_Then why? It was such a big part of your life. And I'm sure it was a hugely painful thing for you. _

I felt a tear wend around the crease of my nose and I wiped it away.

My stomach growled and I realized I hadn't really eaten much of anything in a couple days. I started to get up to search my cupboards when there was a rapping at my front door. I wiped my eyes and ran my hand through my greasy hair before cautiously peeking out the window to see that Sue was on my front porch.

I opened the door and the fresh air filled my senses, invigorating me just a bit.

"Honey, you look like shit!"

"Thanks, Sue," I said, as she engulfed me in her strong arms, crushing my face against her soft shoulder. She smelled like home: like hot bread from the oven and warmth and alder wood smoke.

Just then my stomach growled loudly again. Sue held me at arms length and frowned. "Are you sick? Why aren't you taking care of yourself?"

I sighed and pinched my lips together, trying to keep from breaking down.

"You're not sick. What's going on?" she asked as she ushered me back into the kitchen, pushing me into a chair at the table and opening my refrigerator.

Where would I even start? I cleared my throat, softly. "I just don't know what to do."

"About what, baby?" She emerged from behind the fridge door, dumping vegetables and a package of steak on the counter. "Is this about your man?"

I closed my eyes. She had met Edward on one occasion. I couldn't believe that she was so fixated on the idea of us together.

"So this _is_ about your man."

"He's not my man."

She pulled out a knife and rhythmic thumps sounded against the cutting board as she began chopping. "Baby, whether you want him or not, that boy is yours. You just need to decide if you want to be his," she said with a shrug.

I wished it were that simple. "Why do you keep saying that? You only met him once."

"I have eyes, Bella. And I hear things. I have connections. I may be an old lady, but I've been around. I know love when I see it," she said with a twinkle in her eye.

I sighed and then I started talking, well, dumping, more like. "I just wish it was that easy. But it's not. I thought I had it." My throat constricted and ached with the rising tears. "I… I… I _did_ have it. But now it's gone and I just don't know what to do. I want what you and Harry have. I want that love that lasts a lifetime. But he hurt me," I said in fits and starts as the sobs wrenched their way from my chest.

She was on the floor in front of me in an instant, her hands grasping my face, smelling like onion. "Shhh, oh baby, shhh," she soothed, wrapping her arms around my neck and rocking me in her embrace. "You will, baby, you'll have it."

"But what if I don't?" I gasped, my tears wetting her shoulder. "I don't want to be alone my whole life. I mean, you guys have that perfect love. It is possible, right?"

"Of course it is. Well, it's not perfect, but yes, it's possible," she reassured me, still rocking till my tears subsided. I slowly sat up, wiping my puffy, tear soaked face. "But it's not automatic, you know," she said, her eyes dark and sorrowful.

"I know," I whimpered.

"It takes work," she said sternly. "You _will_ disappoint each other. You _will_ hurt each other. It takes commitment and forgiveness and patience and more forgiveness."

I bit the inside of my cheek and looked at her there, on her knees in front of me. "But how do I know how much hurt is too much? How do I know if I can forgive him?"

She pulled herself up and sat on the chair next to me as she seemed to consider something. "You know," she began as she folded her hands together and studied her fingers. "I had an affair early on in Harry's and my marriage," she said softly, looking up at me, remorse dulling her eyes.

My brows raised as I looked at her in surprise and a little disappointment. I had always looked up to her. She had been my mother when my own walked out on me. I had idealized her as the perfect wife and mother.

Taking a deep breath, she continued. "There are no excuses. I was completely in the wrong. There are, of course, things that contributed to it. And I could tell you all the reasons why I felt justified at the time. But the truth is that I was wrong. I hurt him and he was devastated when he found out."

I knew I was gaping. I just couldn't imagine Sue doing something like that.

"But Harry took me back. He didn't have to. He was well within his rights to leave me. But he loved me and we made it work. It was rough. Really rough. For a really long time. But eventually…we got stronger, we rebuilt our trust, our love made it through and our relationship is so much stronger for it now," she said as she took my hand in hers on the table. "So, you see, there is no perfect love."

I looked into her dark, soulful eyes not having the slightest clue as to what to say. After a moment, Sue got up and went back to her chopping as though nothing had happened.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

That night I lay in my bed and thought about my talk with Sue. She had made a delicious dinner that we enjoyed together. We talked more, but not about anything heavy.

But just before she left, she took my face in her hands, looked deeply in my eyes, and said, "From what I've seen and heard of that boy, he's head over heels for you. And I think you are for him, too. I don't know what he did. Only you can decide if he's worth it. But you'll know. You'll know if you can make it work, if you even want to."

I hugged my pillow tightly and breathed deeply. How would Emmett feel about this?

My mind wandered to the what-ifs. What if Edward had been able to transfer here before Emmett died? What if he'd contacted Emmett instead of waiting for a transfer? What if Emmett was still here? What then?

But I didn't even really have to ask those questions. Because I knew. In my heart, I knew what he would have done.

"You would have forgiven him, wouldn't you?" I whispered.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't need him here to know his answer. I didn't need a voice from heaven or writing on the wall.

Then suddenly it hit me. Emmett never told me about what happened because it wasn't an issue for him anymore. He had let it go. He had already forgiven Edward. That had to be it. I had _never_ seen him carry a grudge. It didn't matter if he was dealing with a jerk on the job or a mechanic that tried to rip him off. He might be upset about it at first – and he'd really get upset – but he didn't keep a record of wrongs.

"How can I condemn someone when I've already been forgiven so much by my God?" he'd always say. I remember being in awe and slightly confused by his attitude. And now… Well, I couldn't imagine him keeping a list of grievances in _heaven_.

Suddenly, pain washed over me as I thought about Edward. How he must be hurting. I grieved for that little boy with the pants pulled up too high, who never really fit in. For the soul-yearning he must have felt to be noticed for who he was. And how that gut level desire made him weak to the deceptions of an ill intentioned woman.

I didn't know where my sudden compassion came from because I was still hurt that he hadn't told me. I still thought the way he had treated Emmett was awful. But at the same time, I wanted to ease his pain.

I still didn't know if I could talk to him yet. I knew I would soon and though I looked forward to it, the thought exhausted me. I fell asleep, visions of two boys with freckled noses and skinned knees laughing and playing basketball, dancing through my head.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I couldn't do it anymore. I was lonely. I was upset. I didn't know how I would keep going like this. Every day, getting up and going to work only to make it through the day and come home to an empty house, an empty life. I had thought that working with the youth group would jump start my life. In a way, I guess it had. I felt useful, especially being able to be there for Jessica. But I still felt like a shell of a person, like I was faking it for everyone else. I was afraid that eventually that shell would crack and they would all see that I was empty with absolutely nothing to give.

I had tried to just think positively. I could think happy thoughts for all the world, but that didn't mean that anything would actually come through or that I'd have anything to fall back on when things went badly. I could only continue the "pull myself up by my bootstraps" routine for so long, and then what? I had wonderful friends, but they couldn't always be there for me.

On Sunday, I went back and forth on whether or not to go to church, despairing that it never helped me anyway. And if I was honest, I was nervous about seeing Edward. I finally gave in, realizing that I had to do something and I would need to talk to him sooner or later. Jumping in my truck to tear down the wet highway, I started talking aloud.

"I can't do this. I can't keep this up. I'm a fake. I'm completely empty." My tires hissed as they kicked up spray off the road and I squeezed my fingers around the steering wheel. "God, you were always close to Emmett. Please. I need you. I need something. I just can't do this anymore," I said, feeling dull and empty and weary.

I pulled into the church about half an hour late and sighed as I tried to find a place in the full parking lot. When I walked in the door of the sanctuary, eyes on my feet, I was surprised that the music was playing. I'd thought the pastor would be in the middle of his sermon by that point. Sneaking into the back row, I looked up to see that the full worship team was there, with extra members. In addition to the usual array of guitars, drums, and keyboard, there was even a violinist and saxophone player that week. It wasn't a holiday, so I was confused. I looked down at the program that was gripped in my hands.

_Special Service Lead by the Worship Team_

_Uh oh_. I thought, hoping it wouldn't get touchy feely. _That's just what I need_, I thought sarcastically. I was barely holding myself together as it was. Taking a deep breath, I focused on just enjoying the music.

As the instruments strummed and wove together in a beautiful melody, the worship leader approached the microphone and spoke softly. "In the privacy of your own heart, as you sit and listen to the words of this next song, if there is anything you need from the Lord or if there is anything you need to confess to him, go ahead and take this opportunity. He hears you, he loves you. And as people have already been coming forward, if you feel lead, come up and symbolically kneel before the Lord. He is waiting to take your burdens."

I listened with skepticism. I really wanted to believe it. But I didn't even know what that really meant.

The worship leader closed his eyes and began strumming his guitar and my heart inexplicably began to beat thunderously in my chest. I could feel it in my throat and it hammered in my ears. My eyes shifted around nervously and I started to wonder if I was having some kind of cardiac arrest.

The music became a bit louder and the leader leaned into the microphone.

_ To everyone who's lost someone they love long before it was their time…_

_Oh, God, no._ I thought.

_ You feel like the days you had were not enough when you said goodbye._

I shut my eyes and shook my head. _Please no, please. I just need a break._

_ And to all of the people with burdens and pains keeping you back from your life…_

_ You believe that there's nothing and there is no one who can make it right._

My chest trembled as I fought to keep my emotions back.

_ There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, and love for the broken heart. _

_ There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing, he'll meet you wherever you are._

Even as I fought it, my heart ravenously consumed the message. My mind argued, but my heart opened and stretched for a touch, any touch. My walls were falling. I _knew_ I couldn't do it on my own. I'd tried. My own attempts had been disastrous. And my world looked bleak. Something had to change.

Then suddenly, it was as if I heard a voice. I didn't hear it with my ears, but it was audible none the less. My _spirit_ heard it. Very clearly.

_Forgive._

I opened my eyes and blinked away the blurry tears just as the person in front of me sat down. My breath stopped along with my heart for just a moment before my heart took off at a gallop at what I saw. There at the front, my view previously blocked, was the crumpled form of a man, bent over at the bottom of the stage platform. He was on his knees, arms slumped on the bottom stair, head of bronze buried in his clasped hands.

Immediately, tears flooded my eyes and I knew what I had to do. My heavy legs shook as I left my seat, like someone had replaced them with barrels of water. The walk to the front in the dim light seemed an eternity as my gaze stayed fixed on Edward's broken form. As I approached, the music got louder and when I reached him, my legs folded with relief as I dropped to my knees beside him.

I placed my hand on his back and, slowly, he turned his head to look at me. Dark circles rimmed his bloodshot eyes and my stomach felt like lead. His lips parted in surprise and his eye brows rose just a bit. We sat staring at each other for a few moments as the song continued.

_ Just remember that you're not alone in your shame and your suffering._

I bit my lips together and swallowed hard, trying to stop the burning in my lungs and eyes.

After a moment, he straightened up and took my hands, bringing them to his face. I could just hear his strained voice over the music as he implored me with his eyes. "I'm sorry. So sorry," he said, his rough stubble scraping my palms as I felt a tear hit my hand.

Shaking my head, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. I felt him shudder against me as his arms clung to my back.

_ You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus. _

"It's okay, Edward," I whispered in his ear. Then I closed my eyes and made the decision as I spoke. The decision that Emmett would have made and I knew did make. The decision that I knew God would have me make. "I forgive you."

Deep, nearly silent sobs rocked through him, till I was practically supporting his weight as we kneeled together. "He couldn't even look at me and now it's too late." His voice was hoarse and I could feel his great heaving breaths on my shoulder and neck.

"Shh, shh, Edward. He knows. He forgives you. He knows," I reassured him, over and over as I squeezed him tightly to me.

We stayed that way: me holding him, him clinging to me, till the song concluded and the worship leader again spoke into the microphone. "Accept God's grace today. Ask him to give you his strength. He doesn't always take the pain away, but he'll carry you through it," he said, gently, as he began to play the chords of the next song.

"I miss him," Edward said, miserably.

I nodded against his shoulder. "Me too."

But for the first time, I had real hope.

* * *

><p><strong>That's probably the most "religious" this story is going to get. So if you're freaking out, it shouldn't get worse than this. ;)<strong>

**The song that was played in church is "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day. It's a beautiful song and fit Edward and Bella's situation perfectly. www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=JmVxRl5bc4Y&ob=av2e**

**S****o... What did you think of the chapter?**

**Reviewers will get a little teaser that will not be posted anywhere else (I also post teasers on ADF and Fictionators) - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know! If you didn't receive a teaser after reviewing you either had your pm's disabled, there was a glitch in the system, or I honestly made a mistake. I know of one person who reviewed and had pm's disabled. Sorry I couldn't get you a teaser!**

**Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Americans. :D Our best friends are coming for a visit with their FIVE kids. O_O It will be so much fun but should be crazy with 7 kids running around this place. :) I hope the weather's good because we're seriously going to need to send those people outside on occasion.**

**Next update will be as soon as possible.**


	15. Chapter 15

**You guys are the best! I just want to say thank you so much for your amazing reception of the last chapter. I really anticipated a lot of negative comments but you blew me away. Even those of you who didn't appreciate the faith aspects were very respectful and you understood that for this Edward and Bella, faith is a big part of their lives and so they needed this. Thank you for your respect, you have mine as well.**

**I apologize for the long wait on this chapter. It's kind of been the perfect storm as to why I haven't been able to update, it's sort of ridiculous. But I hope you will enjoy this chapter!**

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

* * *

><p><em>Last time on Semper Paratus: That Others May Live: Bella was having a rough time, feeling lied to and distrustful. Sue Clearwater came over and they had a good talk. Bella learned about some difficult things in Sue and Harry's past and learned a little about forgiveness and love. After some processing time, she attended the church service where she saw Edward, broken at the altar. When we last left Edward and Bella, they were at the front of the church, giving and receiving forgiveness and consoling each other in their loss of Emmett.<em>

My birthday came and went with little fanfare. Well, except that Jasper invited me to dinner at his and Alice's house the night before my birthday, apparently at his wife's insistence. Alice was her usual bouncy and sweet – if not a bit overwhelming – self. She gushed over me, wanting to know all the details of my life and what I'd been up to. Her energy made me nervous, though I knew she wasn't trying to be nosy; she was legitimately interested. I shared about working with Jacob and the youth group and left out my _whatever-it-was-I-had_ with Edward. As I left, she kissed me on the cheek and handed me a beautifully wrapped, small, flat box. It was an elegant scarf that I actually really loved.

Rose had wanted to take me out dancing but she respected my desire to want to have a quiet evening on my actual birthday. We had dinner together at her place and giggled the night away. It was just what I wanted.

It had been a month since that night in church when all the hurts and half-truths and secrecy and shame came tumbling down. Edward and I had settled into a tentative friendship. We got together a couple times just to hang out. He never pushed for anything more – for which I was simultaneously relieved and a bit disappointed.

We had gone out to coffee, that night, after the service. Neither of us had wanted to say goodbye just then.

"I missed so much of his life," he had said with a sad smile, running his thumb up and down the handle of his coffee mug.

I looked at him thoughtfully. "Would you like to see what you missed?" I couldn't give him back the lost time, but I could give him a glimpse into the last couple years of his best friend's life. When he raised his eyebrows in surprise, I smiled.

A half an hour later, we sat together on my living room floor, a stack of photo albums before us. I took a deep breath and reached for the first album; the spine cracked as it opened. I pushed it closer to Edward and met his gaze, silently encouraging him to look at his own pace.

He was quiet as he flipped through pages of camping trips, birthday parties, and beach excursions. He laughed when he came to a picture of Emmett and me wrestling on the floor beneath a Christmas tree, tinsel sticking out the neck of his sweater and rumpled in my hair.

My eyes misted over as my lips turned up at the memory. "We fought over tinsel. I hated it but he insisted that it wasn't Christmas without it. So I snuck behind him and pulled it off as he was applying it."

Edward chuckled as he continued turning pages, sometimes asking questions, sometimes laughing. He flipped a page and leaned his head to the side a little when he saw pictures of Emmett in a baseball uniform, standing behind a small boy, helping him position a bat.

"Oh, yeah. He coached Little League," I said, remembering all the nights spent at the park, sitting in the bleachers, cheering on the little kids as they swung and missed and laughed and swung again.

Edward's face softened in a wistful smile. "He always said he wanted to do that."

"He was really good at it."

We looked through pictures for probably an hour before reaching the last page of the last album. Edward poured over every picture, soaking up every detail.

"I guess he really did have all his dreams," he said, a little sadly, as he closed the album.

I looked at him with a heavy heart, wanting to ease his pain. "Well, knowing him, there would have been a piece of him that always hoped to have his best friend back," I said with a sigh. "But I know he's happy now and I'm sure he's looking forward to seeing you again."

His eyes were misty and he cleared his throat, before looking away and blinking a few times.

I could tell he was ready for a break from the emotions of the moment so I abruptly stood up. "Well, let's see if there are any good '80's cult movies on TV," I said brightly as I picked up the remote.

He laughed and we sat on the couch together as I flipped through the stations and grinned when I happened upon _Ferris Bueller's Day Off_.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"Is that boy still mowing your lawn, B?" Rose asked as I heard the front door slam and she came down the hall.

The hum of the mower and the smell of freshly cut grass wafted in my kitchen window. "Yes, I can't get him to stop." I groaned as my head dropped back a little.

She laughed. "Oh man, he's got it bad."

"I even tried to beat him to it a couple times but it's like he has a sixth sense about it. He does it before I get the chance. _Every time_," I said as I put the last dish in the rack to dry wiped my soapy hands on a dish towel, and turned to look at her. "Hey, what happened to you?"

Rose's usual put-together appearance was a little less than put-together. Her hair was disheveled, her clothes rumpled, and she had a smudge of something dark under her eye. She sighed in exasperation. "Jacob sure does have a grumpy streak doesn't he?"

"Jacob? What?" I asked in confusion. "What do you mean?"

She waved her hand dismissively in the air. "Oh, I saw him stopped on the side of the highway. I pulled over and changed his tire for him," she said with a shrug. "He was pretty huffy."

I burst into laughter, covering my mouth with my hand. "You. Have. _Got_. To be kidding me!"

A wry smile was her only answer.

Jake was terrible with cars. He barely knew where his gas tank was and it was a source of embarrassment for him. Being shown up by a woman – the superbly glamorous, Rosalie, no less – had to have been a bit humbling for him. Even if Rosalie _was_ the best amateur mechanic I knew.

"Oh, that is _awesome_, Rose!"

She sighed and narrowed her eyes as she examined her nails, picking grime out of her cuticles and going over to use my sink.

"I would have paid money to see that," I said, still giggling.

"Paid money to see what?" Edward asked as he came strolling in. My giggling quickly turned to a slow sucking of air into my tight chest as I noticed his worn jeans riding his hips, his gray t-shirt hugging his shoulders, and a darkened _v_ of perspiration just underneath the wisp of hair curling over the neck of his shirt.

Clearly, I stared for just a bit too long. He noticed, and his lashes fanned against his pinked cheeks as he nervously ran his hand through his damp hair.

"Uh…" I stuttered, my brain drawing a blank. _What were we talking about?_

"Oh, Bella just thinks it's funny that I rescued Jacob Black from the humiliation of having to call for a tow truck to change his flat tire," Rose jumped in. Rose was on a roll saving people.

"Hmm," he said, scratching his chest through his thin shirt. "Uhh, well, Bella, I guess I'll be heading home, I'm all finished up out there," he said as he stood with his hands on his hips.

"Oh…okay." I wanted to invite him for dinner but the words stuck on my tongue. And before I could get them out, he turned to leave.

"I'll see you later," he said with a warm smile before heading down the hall.

My eyes darted to Rose, who stood quietly, leaning against the stove, before I ran after him. "Okay, and Edward?"

"Yes?" He stopped abruptly, lit up in anticipation, making my heart stutter.

"Thank you, really."

His green eyes gentled and he touched my cheek softly. "My pleasure…really."

My cheek tingled where he'd touched me as I walked back into the kitchen where Rose was munching on an apple.

"You gonna put him out of his misery any time soon?" she asked.

I thought for a moment. I really _wanted_ to jump into things with Edward. But how? And just because I was sure that Emmett had forgiven him, did that mean that he would want me _with_ his former best friend? "I don't know, it's just so weird… Isn't it?"

"What's weird about it? What is holding you back?" she asked. "It's pretty obvious that he's a changed man. This stuff happened in the past. You said you forgave him. So, did you?"

"Yes, I did, of course. But…it's just…" I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. Just because I'd forgiven him, did that mean I should _be_ with him?

"You're afraid."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. What else could be the reason?" She folded her arms and stared me down. "Why are you hung up on this weirdness thing?"

I shrugged.

"Listen… Think of it this way. It's almost like Emmett checked him out for you. Like, he gave his stamp of approval on Edward for you."

"What in the world are you talking about, Rose?"

"Okay, just hear me out," she said, setting her apple on the counter. "Emmett loved a whole lot of people. But he didn't _trust_ very many." Her pensive eyes looked gray in the evening light. "Emmett's trust? He didn't give it out freely. You could just about take that to the bank." She prodded me with her gaze, locking me in as though she were on the verge of some important revelation. "And Edward was his best friend since they were kids, right?"

I nodded.

"And no one else ever took his spot after their falling out, right?"

I nodded again, crossing my arms, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

"Clearly, Edward is a changed man from his rough patch in the Academy. He's a _good guy_, Bella. If Emmett trusted him enough to call him his best friend? Then that's a pretty good guy, right there," she concluded, her eyes steady on mine.

She was right. Of course she was right.

"Bella, honestly, what are you waiting for? You…of anyone…should know that life is _short_," she said gently but with gravity. "It's not meant to be lived…like this."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I just want to be cautious, Rose."

"Okay, Bella, cautious is one thing. But you're…stuck. What is holding you back? He loves you. And whether _you_ know it or not, _I_ know you love him."

Did I love him? It felt like love, but I didn't know for sure. I wondered if I could continue to just be friends with Edward. Would I be satisfied with that?

A cavernous ache gaped in my chest at the thought.

_No._

I already had friends. It wasn't a friend I was longing for.

She was right. I was afraid. Terrified of losing _Edward_. Not Edward, my friend. But _Edward_, something more. So terrified that I hadn't allowed anything to form between us for fear that it would fall apart.

Rose breathed a heavy sigh. "Listen, I…"

She paused for several seconds and stared at a speck on the countertop, her mouth slightly open like she was trying to form words that wouldn't come. My palms began to sweat. Rose was never without words.

"I just know what it's like to screw something up…something _important_. And I don't want that for you." Her sad gray-blue eyes met mine, slowly, and I inhaled a sharp breath of air. "I was in love with…a guy. And he was great and…I took him for granted. I played games and I was a real bitch. He put up with me for longer than he should have. But finally enough was enough. He confronted me about it but I didn't think he'd really leave…. And he walked."

She never _said _his name, but I knew.

"I'm not saying that you're playing games, or at least not intentionally. But if you continue to let fear hold you back, you are going to lose him and you will realize it too late," she said desperately. "Life is too short, B, and I love you too much to let you mess this up."

My eyes burned. She had never spoken with me about her relationship with Emmett before; she had _always_ been respectful. I knew she never wanted to make me uncomfortable. But I also knew that wasn't what this was about. She was concerned for me.

I thought about Rose's words all week.

…_you are going to lose him and you will realize it too late…_

I couldn't get her insistent voice out of my head. I went through my days, going to work and getting things done around the house, an increasing tension building within me all the while. Fear of losing Edward coupled with fluttery excitement over potentially moving forward in a romantic relationship with Edward dominated my emotions.

I knew it was time for me to do _some_thing. I contemplated how to approach the situation as Edward and I stood on my roof, cleaning out my gutters. He never would take no for an answer whenever there was work to be done and he wanted to help. Reaching his gloved hand into the fir tree-needle-clogged gutter and scooping it out, he chatted excitedly about a rescue they had made the day before. A family had been out fishing when a storm had threatened their small boat. They had saved a toddler from hypothermia and drowning. Saving children always had a deep impact on the service men and women. I smiled at his enthusiasm and love for his job and my heart swelled with pride over his choice of career.

When we were finished with our work and I paid him in lasagna, the words clung to my tongue, not allowing me to tell him that I wanted more. I berated myself that night after he left, and determined that I _would_ tell him and soon.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"Honey, I love you, but I just can't smile." I said, my expression somber, as Edward kneeled before me, his previously twinkling and hopeful eyes dimming with my rejection. It was the second time he'd attempted to best me at this game and the second time I'd shut him down with aloofness.

He sighed and stood slowly, perusing the circle for his next victim. His eyes landed on Jared, who sat with his arms crossed against his chest, his baseball cap on his head backwards, looking as bored as could be. Edward had his arms wrapped around Jared's neck and was sitting in his lap before Jared even saw him coming.

"Honey, I love you. Will you please smile?" Edward asked sweetly.

Jared flinched and convulsed as he visibly fought the urge to dump Edward off his lap and the kids whistled and roared with laughter. Finally Jared's face twitched its way into an uncomfortable smile and Edward jumped to his feet, throwing his arms in the air with a triumphant "Whoop!"

At youth group that night, we'd been playing this game as an ice-breaker and it had certainly done its job, causing plenty of laughs and lots of fun. Kids and adults took their turns using their "charms" to elicit a smile from their recipient.

"Aww, man!" Jared grumbled, picking himself up as Edward and his face-splitting grin replaced him on the creaking metal chair.

Jared shuffled around the group before dropping to his knees in front of Jessica. She was an easy victory, giggling nervously almost immediately when he took her hand in his. I laughed as the game went on and various people took their turns proclaiming their love and trying desperately to get their chosen target to smile.

Several times, I caught Edward watching me. He didn't try to hide it, smiling whenever I glanced his way.

Jared was up again. He approached Edward, bent on getting his revenge. But Edward's face broke into the cheesiest fake smile I'd ever seen before Jared could even get his flirt on. Edward jumped from the chair and stalked the circle, slowly, while Jared shrugged and sat down. He tapped his finger against his lips as though laboring over his decision. When he stopped abruptly in front of me, his eyes dark and focused on mine, I fidgeted in my seat and looked away, trying to maintain my composure.

Again, he dropped to his knee. But this time, he leaned into me, his legs nearly hugging mine as he rested on one knee along the side of my chair, the other leg propped up in front of my knees. He leaned in slowly, intently, taking one of my hands in his and, achingly slowly, he raised my hand to his mouth and kissed my knuckles, oh so softly.

My lips parted and my eyes darted around the room to see teenage girls' jaws dropped and boys cheering Edward on.

He took his other hand and, placing it behind my elbow, lifted my entire arm and kissed up to my shoulder.

My cheeks flamed and I turned my face away, trying to play it cool, as though this were all an act.

Softly, his fingers trailed up my arm, sending tingles and warmth through my nervous system to _other_ areas of my body. He brushed my hair behind my shoulder and I continued to refuse to meet his gaze. I felt his heated breath on my ear and all the little hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.

"Bella? Sweetheart?" he murmured and when I didn't respond, he put his hand under my chin and gently turned it till my eyes met his.

_Ice, I am ice. I will not be moved._

"Bella?" he prompted, his voice caressing my name. "Honey, I love you." His eyes bored into mine. "Will you _please_ smile?"

I took a deep breath through my nose and pinched my lips together for a moment before putting my game face back on. "Honey, I love you but I just can't smile."

One corner of his lips turned up and the room erupted in cheers from the girls and groans of "Oh, burn!" and "D'oh!" from the boys.

I waited till he stood back up, smiling and shaking his head before allowing a smug smile to creep across my face.

The game ended soon after that and I was still flying high over my victory but when I looked over at Edward, my stomach clenched and trembled by the look in his eyes. My breath caught in my lungs and an overwhelming sense of determination and anticipation overcame me. We could make this work.

Angela stepped over beside me as we put chairs back in their places. "Wow, that was…really something," she breathed.

"He's very competitive," I said with a shrug, biting back a grin. "He'll do nearly anything to win a game."

"Hmm," she hummed, wearing a speculative smile.

We had a good time for the rest of the evening. Jacob was friendly and casual. He had really been great since the retreat. I had offered to quit the youth group to make things easier for him but he had insisted that wasn't necessary and since things between us seemed relatively comfortable, I decided to stick around.

I was relieved that things were going so well between us because I really loved being around the kids. In particular, I wanted to be available if and when Jessica needed help. I had noticed that things between her and Mike had considerably cooled off and she was fairly withdrawn most of the time. The times I'd approached her, she'd brushed me off quickly, saying that she was, "Fine." But I knew it was only a matter of time before she'd need someone to talk to and I wanted to be around if she decided to talk to me.

Edward hung back a little throughout the evening, not quite avoiding me, but keeping a bit of distance between us, seemingly suddenly bashful.

_Oh no you don't, Edward. I know your game._ He was feeling badly for pushing things and I wasn't going to let him. He needed to know that I was ready.

When all the kids had left and the few youth staff remaining headed to their cars, I was nearly buzzing with excitement. I wanted this. I wanted to be with Edward. And he obviously still wanted to be with me. I guessed that he was just biding his time, waiting for a signal from me to push things further. But that little…_display_ was the most I'd seen from him since before the secrets came out.

I walked past him on my way out to the parking lot. "Walk with me?" I asked.

His head snapped as he looked at me and he fell in stride beside me. "Uhh, Bella, I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have – "

"Don't apologize," I said, cutting him off.

"No, but I don't want you to think that I'm just playing your emotions."

I turned to him as we reached my truck. "I don't."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Right, so. I'll just, umm…"

I smiled at his nervous behavior and cleared my throat a little. "I, umm… I actually kind of liked it." I looked him directly in the eyes while my heart beat wildly in my chest.

He froze, his eyes widening just a bit. "What?"

I felt my face heating. "I said, Edward, that…I liked it."

"Really?" he asked, his voice cracking like a pubescent boy.

I bit my lip to keep from giggling and nodded. "Yeah, umm. I actually wouldn't mind if you wanted to do…more of that. Just maybe without the audience, next time?"

The last car besides Edward's and mine pulled away and we stood there alone in the darkened lot. The cold night air nipped at my exposed skin, but I wasn't chilled. I felt aglow, a mixture of excitement and nerves tingling and skipping across my skin. Silence stretched out between us and I could hear the trees brushing against each other, branches meeting, parting, and coming together again in the wind.

"I don't want to mess this up," he rasped.

"You won't," I said, truly believing it, stepping closer to him and grasping his sleeve.

"This is too important," he continued. "You need to know that I'm serious about this." Taking my hand in his, he placed it on his chest, over his thundering heart. "About us. I love you, Bella. And I promise to guard your heart," he said in a low whisper. "And part of that means that I will _earn_ your love, not just try to charm it out of you."

I looked into his earnest eyes and smiled. "I know. I trust you."

His brows pinched together, forming a little crease and his lips parted slightly. His hand tightened over mine and I felt his chest rise and fall with his uneven breath.

"Would you like to come over for a little while?" I asked.

His eyes closed and a smile spread across his stubbled cheeks. He dropped his forehead to mine and whispered, "I would love that."

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><p><strong>So what did you think?<strong>

**We have MORE company coming this afternoon and they will be with us for a couple weeks. I'm not sure when the next update will be, but it will likely be in the New Year (unless I get some sneak away private time with the computer). I apologize for that, but this isn't such a bad place to leave it, is it? **

**Please let me know what you're thinking! I really want to hear from you! Reviewers will get a little teaser that will not be posted anywhere else (I also post teasers on ADF and Fictionators – though I've missed the Fictionators deadline the last couple times) - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know! If you didn't receive a teaser after reviewing you either had your pm's disabled, there was a glitch in the system, or I honestly made a mistake.**

**So, do you celebrate the holidays? Tell me what you and your family do. Love to you all! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year! 3**


	16. Chapter 16

**Okay, so the holidays totally sidelined me. I am so sorry that I didn't get review replies out with teasers like I said. But at this point, I figured you'd rather I post the chapter than send out the teasers, right? Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter and I'll see you at the bottom!**

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

* * *

><p>The clipboard bounced on Jessica's knee as the pen twitched back and forth between her index and middle fingers.<p>

"LMP?" she asked, her voice unsteady.

"It stands for Last Menstrual Period," I replied quietly.

Her complexion was looking a little green. "Oh… Right." I thought she might be sick.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she said quickly before continuing to fill out her registration form.

Jessica had asked me if I would go with her to her first prenatal visit. She had decided to go through with the pregnancy and had no other support. She hadn't told her parents about it yet and since she had told Mike about the baby, he had treated her as though she were a dirty piece of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

So when she called me in tears, begging me to go with her, I agreed immediately. The appointment was at the local crisis pregnancy center and Jessica wore a hoody over her head as we walked in, nervous that someone she knew would see us.

"Jessica?" the receptionist called. When Jessica's head snapped up, the lady smiled. "I need you to provide a urine sample, please," she said as she placed a paper cup on the counter.

Jessica looked like she was really going to be sick as she stood to take the cup and walk down the hall into the bathroom.

A few minutes later, we were in an exam room and Jessica was laying on the table, her jeans pulled low over her hips and her shirt bunched under her breasts.

"I'm sorry, this might be a little cold," the doctor said as she squirted a gel-like substance onto Jessica's lower abdomen and placed a wand in the middle of the goop, smearing it around. Jessica stared unflinchingly at the calendar picture of a tropical beach that had been posted on the ceiling as staticky sounds were emitted from the Doppler machine.

The doctor's expression was calm as she moved the wand back and forth, sometimes pressing firmly on Jessica's slightly rounded belly, while other times gliding easily through the goop. She held the Doppler in her hand and watched the screen as she searched. Before long a sound something like a washing machine on the agitate cycle came through the little box and the doctor smiled.

"One hundred and sixty beats per minute," she said.

Jessica's eyes widened. "That's…that's the heartbeat?"

"Yes, it is."

"That's crazy fast, though, right?"

"It's good and strong. Perfectly normal for a baby in the womb," the doctor reassured her.

Jessica's bottom lip began to quiver and I stepped over to the table and took her trembling hand. She blinked her eyes rapidly and her breathing became shaky. My own eyes burned a little. I couldn't help but be moved by the amazing moment of hearing her baby's tiny heart beating.

I could only imagine the thoughts going through her mind. Her world was about to change in enormous ways and she was so young.

The doctor continued with the exam, asking questions, taking measurements of Jessica's abdomen, and making notes as she went. When she finished, we went to another room to have lab work done. At the end of the visit, a nurse gave her some pamphlets and a card with the date and time of her next appointment.

The ride back to her house was quiet; Jessica was pensive. My heart was heavy for her. Having a baby should be a joyful time. But she was so young and had so many things to consider and overcome.

I hadn't been through what she was experiencing. But I did know what it was like to have a huge life adjustment. To have the rug pulled out from under you. To feel like you'll never make it through. And to come through it, maybe a little stronger, hopefully a little wiser. And I was starting to learn what it was like to find peace and happiness on the other side of the difficulty.

I took a deep breath. "You know, sometimes life doesn't turn out how we plan it," I said, then shook my head thinking about how stupid I sounded. But I continued anyway because even though it might sound cheesy, it was true. And Jessica needed someone to love her and tell her the truth about the hope that she could have. "We're given enormous challenges that we think are impossible to get through. But somehow we do. And the blessings on the other side are incredible," I said as trees blurred by and rain began to pitter patter on the windshield. "I'm not going to tell you that I understand what you're going through and I'm definitely not going to tell you that it will be easy or that being a mother will make you happier than you ever dreamed. But I _do_ believe that God doesn't bring us partway through our journey only to drop us. And I _do_ know that you will get little glimpses of joy through all of this."

Jessica's eyes were awash in tears. She nodded and sniffled as she swiped at her damp cheeks.

"Like today. I've never heard anything so beautiful as that heartbeat." I said, looking over at her. "Have you?"

She smiled a watery smile and shook her head.

"Whatever happens, I'm here for you, all right?"

"Thank you," she whispered.

"No matter when, okay? Even if it's the middle of the night," I said firmly. "And if you need someone to be with you when you tell your parents, just let me know."

"Okay."

I pulled into her driveway. "I mean it. And even if you just need to get out for an ice cream or something, I'm here," I said, gently squeezing her hand.

"Thank you, Bella. Thank you for coming with me today…and…for everything," she said, her eyes round and vulnerable. She unbuckled her seatbelt and surprised me as she grasped me in a strong hug before getting out of the car and running to the door.

I couldn't help the tears that trickled down my cheeks as I pulled away to go home. I really was so glad I had made the decision to work with the youth group. I was learning that not only do our struggles make us stronger, but they are also there so we can turn around and help other people. There had been people all along my path that had used their heartbreaks to help me, and now I could do the same.

And not only had I come through my grief and developed deep and meaningful relationships along the way, but I'd been blessed with Edward. This man who seemed to know everything I needed and had become the person I wanted to tell everything to, the person I wanted to have fun with, and the person I wanted to fall on when I'd had a hard day. Our relationship had only deepened since we'd decided to try for more. We spent every spare minute together, eating meals, doing chores, going on dates, and just living life.

For once, I could say that I was excited about what life would bring. And I couldn't wait to live it.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"So…I hear that Jessica is pregnant," Edward said. It was a statement. He wasn't asking. I still hadn't told Edward what I knew.

I pinched my lips together. I knew the secret had gotten out. Jessica still hadn't told her parents but word was out among the kids.

"Do you know if she's getting help?" he asked as he pulled the car around another curve. I knew he suspected that I'd talked with her. He knew I had gone to a "meeting" that week and he'd seen me talking with her on a few occasions. Not to mention, he'd also seen the _What to Expect When You're Expecting_ book on my kitchen counter that I'd bought for her. When he commented on it, I had said it was for "_a friend_."

I nodded. "Yeah, she is."

He was quiet, the hum of the engine and the sound of the tires on the wet highway filling the space between us.

"Is Mike stepping up?"

I bit the inside of my cheek and looked out the window at the water. We'd been driving for almost two hours and I still had no idea where we were going, except that apparently it was on the coast. The dark gray sky hung heavy over the shoreline as we drove through creeping rainforest, crossing rushing rivers and passing towering sea stacks. "No. He made it pretty clear to her that he wants nothing to do with her. Or the baby."

Edward's fingers tightened around the wheel. "How are her parents taking it?"

"They don't know yet."

He shook his head. "I'll talk to Mike."

I sighed. "Edward, I don't know if that's the best idea."

"Listen, he needs someone to knock some sense into him and let him know – in no uncertain terms – it's time to man-up. It takes two and all that. She shouldn't be in this alone."

"I don't know. It might make it harder for her."

"No, he'll be on his best behavior. If not…I'll take care of it," he said, his brows low.

I took a deep breath through my nose and ran my hand through my hair. The last thing I wanted was more drama for Jessica.

"Bella, look, someone's going to have to have a talk with that boy. Knowing his dad, he'll likely try and get his son out of trouble and cause a bigger mess. Maybe if I can talk to him before he goes running to Daddy, that won't be a problem," he said with a shrug. "If I don't talk to him, then who?"

"I guess. Just…"

He turned to me with a soft smile. "Don't worry, I'll take care of it."

I looked at his eyes, so sincere, and my heart warmed. He really was a good guy. I decided to trust him with this.

"Do you like shellfish?" Edward asked, changing the subject, his eyes alight with that twinkle of mischief that I'd come to love and be wary of.

"Yes," I answered slowly.

A dimple formed in his cheek as he bit back a smile and I all but knew that I was in for another one of his not-so-glamorous but incredibly endearing dates.

When he turned into a pull-off along Kalaloch Beach, I had a sneaking suspicion about what we were about to do and I looked over to see him pulling a stocking cap from behind his chair and pulling it over his head then wriggling his arms into his jacket.

"Stay here," he said, grinning over at me, then hopped out of the car and I was hit with a gust of biting sea air before he shut the door. He took some stuff out of the trunk and I felt the car dip as he leaned on the back bumper before walking over to my side with an armload of stuff and opening the door.

I looked at his black thigh-high waders and pinched my lips together to keep from laughing. "Edward, what's going on?" I asked, even though I was pretty sure I knew.

He covered my head with a stocking cap, tied a fleece scarf around my neck and slid a heavy parka over my shoulders, zipping and buttoning it up tight. "You'll see," he said, crouching down and removing my tennis shoes. I trembled when he ran his thumb over my arches in the process of outfitting my feet with a pair of thick wool socks over my thin cotton ones. He took my hands in his strong ones and helped me into a pair of my own rubber waders, bundling my hands with thick, weather proof gloves.

I didn't think I'd ever been so insulated in my life.

My suspicions were confirmed when I saw all the gear that sat on the gravel behind the car. "Ready?" he asked as he picked up the shovel, nets, a couple silver tubes with handles that I recognized as clam guns, and a couple bright red, obviously unused, floatation cushions.

I tried not to laugh at his clear over-preparation. "Yeah, sure," I said, taking the shovel and nets from his arms. My heart swelled when I saw that they still had the price tags on them. He was really trying to do something special for us. "What are we doing?" I asked, deciding to play ignorant and let him enjoy his surprise as much as possible.

He smiled down at me. "Well, I thought we'd get the freshest shellfish dinner we could, what do you say?" I widened my eyes and he laughed. "Ever been razor clamming?"

"Razor clamming? I've always wanted to go," I said. It was deceitful, I knew. But I wanted to let this Chicago boy show me what he'd learned about northwest clamming.

We trudged across the damp sand, our padded bodies leaning into the wind, while the waning light of day slipped over the horizon. He'd picked a good time. It was low tide and night clamming could be very productive. We walked a long way on the deserted beach down to the edge of the surf, our rubber boots slapping the saturated sand. "So," he said, authoritatively, dropping the cushions and clam nets on the sand. "The way you do this is, first, you have to find a clam show." I tried not to laugh as his eyebrows pinched and he stared hard at the sand, turning in a slow circle.

"A clam show?" I asked. "Is that like the _Gong Show_? Do they put on little talent contests for their little clam buddies?"

He turned to me and one corner of his mouth twitched in amusement. Snagging the sleeve of my parka, he pulled me into his side, wrapping his arm around me tightly. I burrowed into his hold and thought about how I wanted him to hold me in a different way: a way that he hadn't done in a while as we focused on building our relationship. "No, Bella. No clam talent shows. _That_," he said, pointing at a small mound with a hole in the top, "is a clam show. It means there's a clam down there."

I didn't say anything as he nudged the cushion near the hole and dropped to his knees, picking up a silver tube and plunging it into the sand over the hole. I couldn't help but smile at his determined expression, his brows knit together, as he struggled this way and that in the sand. He pulled it out and dumped the contents on the surface before plunging it back in and trying again. He tried several times, not finding anything and I bit my lip, letting him hunt for his clam. I looked over the horizon as the sky darkened and the wind stung my cheeks.

"Huh," he grunted. "I guess it must have gotten away."

I nodded as he went to work on another hole, this time, it actually _was_ a real clam show. He was faster this time as he forced the tube into the sand but his violent rocking motions made me cringe. He pulled the contents out and dumped it on the sand and tried one more time. I was about to step in when he stood up proudly, the carnage of his smashed up clam laying there in the pile of discarded sand, and leaned on his clam gun.

"And that," he said, leaning over to pick up the broken and battered clam. "Is how you dig up a razor clam." His breath was heaving as he turned to me, his eyes wide and excited. "I'm told they're delicious."

I tried not to laugh because he was so adorably cute, his cheeks flushed from the cold and from exertion. "I hear that too."

He beamed at me, holding out the clam gun. "Want to try?"

I smiled back at him in the dusky twilight and pulled off my impossibly thick gloves, dropping them on the sand. I'd never be able to work with those on. "Yeah, I think I'll give it a go."

"What are you doing? Your hands will freeze," he said, brow furrowed, as he stooped to pick them up, reaching for my hands to put them back on.

But I busied myself with removing my scarf. I needed more range of motion and I was feeling a bit stiff in all these layers. "I'll be fine."

"Bella, I don't want you getting sick," he said, grabbing my arm as I reached for the clam shovel.

I smiled reassuringly at him. "I'll be _fine_, Edward." He was too sweet.

He looked like he didn't want to give it up, but after a moment he relented. "All right, but, here, use this," he said as he stepped in front of me, smoothed my windblown hair away from my face and strapped a headlamp to my forehead over the stocking cap. "It's getting dark and this will help," he said softly. His thoughtfulness was overwhelming sometimes. I started to feel just a little bit badly about lying to him.

Deep nameless feelings welled up inside of me. It was like they were filling me, making me fuller, stronger, more real, and very alive. Even as the sea winds buffeted my body, warmth effervesced like hot chocolate simmering on the stove after a long bone-cold day.

My chest expanded and I didn't so much lean toward him as I was drawn into him. I wanted to be closer. _Much_ closer. His eyes were clear and unmoving as they locked on mine and I placed my hands on his rough cheeks, stretching up on the balls of my rubber soles. I paused for just a second before pressing my lips gently to his. It was soft and patient. It was slow and filled with so much more than the searing kisses of the past. The wind bit at my exposed neck and face as I pulled his top lip into my mouth and I heard him whimper. That little sound, that one little vulnerable sound resonated through my mind, ricocheting around the walls of my psyche and filling me with a fierce desire to love and protect his heart. I knew he wanted to take care of me, but _oh_ how I longed to be the one to protect him, to be the soft place he would land, his safe harbor and shelter from the storm.

I pulled away slowly and watched as he opened his eyes and sighed. I smiled and switched on my headlamp, deciding it was time to let him in on my little deception. Picking up the shovel, I began my perusal for some good clam shows.

Edward cleared his throat. "Uhh… Wow, I… Yeah. Umm, you might want to start out with the clam gun. I only got the shovel just in case. The guy at the store said…"

But his chatter dropped off as I walked about ten feet away where it looked that there were several good sized clam shows. I approached the first and stomped next to it with my boot.

"What are you doing?" he called against the roar of the waves.

When I stepped back, the telltale spurt of the razor clam emerged from the show and I dropped to one knee, plunging my shovel in the sand and pulling back just a bit to release the suction, cracking the sand at the surface. I pulled out the sand and repeated the actions two more times quickly so the clam wouldn't burrow down and escape. Reaching my arm down in the hole, I grasped the hard shell and pulled it out, tossing it gently in my clam net before moving to the next clam show and stomping on the ground and repeating the process. I dug three clams in a row in the span of just a couple minutes before turning to look at Edward.

His jaw dropped. "You are no rookie razor clammer," he accused.

I smiled and shrugged slightly and when his chest puffed up and his lips pursed I knew I was in trouble.

"Miss Swan. You _filthy_ little liar," he said slowly, his eyes narrowing, as he stalked towards me.

I swallowed back my giggles and walked backwards a bit. "Oh, but you should have seen how adorable you were, instructing me in the fine art of digging for razor clams," I said, my hands rising up in front of me defensively.

He shook his head slowly and continued to advance on me.

"Sorry?" I squeaked but I couldn't hold back the laughter that bubbled up out of me. I turned and ran but I didn't get far before his arms wrapped around me and began tickling my sides through the thick jacket. I shrieked, and struggled, but my feet slipped against the sand and I tumbled down, tripping Edward in the process. I landed with a thwack on my stomach and heard him land next to me. I was just about to jump up when he reached around and rolled me over, crawling on top of me. My headlamp slipped off somewhere in the struggle and I couldn't control my giggles. "I just have to ask, what did you think the floatation cushion would do? What? In the event that the vicious clam swam us out to sea we'd have a floatation device?" I teased, breathlessly laughing. But when his fingers snaked up my sides, under the thick parka, an evil glint in his darkened eyes, I gasped. He began tickling my ribs, cold fingers on bare skin and I couldn't talk anymore, tears streaming down my cheeks as I squealed with laughter, my head pressing back in the damp sand.

"You really shouldn't lie to me, Bella. It's not nice," he chided as his fingers relentlessly tortured me. I twisted and turned, contorting my body, trying to get away from his hold, but I was unsuccessful. "I'm going to make you pay for that," he threatened, hitting a particularly ticklish spot on my stomach just below my ribcage. My head threw back and my stomach contracted. In the motion, Edward's hands fell on my breasts and suddenly, my laughter stopped. All was still, the only sounds our harsh breathing and the roar of the ocean. I became achingly aware that one of his knees had slipped between my legs in our struggle.

I brought my gaze back to his darkened face. The sky was nearly completely dark, the only light cast by my headlamp, thrown several feet away. He was absolutely unmoving, with the exception of his chest heaving against my own. His hands remained on my breasts and even in the dark, I could see his desire raging. Oh, how I wanted him. It had been too long since I'd felt the intimate touch of a man. But even with the passing of time, my body remembered. I would have liked to blame what happened next on muscle memory, though I knew that wasn't the entire truth. My mind wanted it as much as my body. The muscles in my back tightened, arching away from the sand and pressing my chest up. Not much, but enough. Enough that Edward knew his desire was not one-sided. A great shuddering breath tumbled from his lips as his mouth fell on mine, his hands gently kneading my soft flesh.

His tongue pushed between my lips and tears formed in my eyes at the sheer ache of desire I felt, not only physically, but emotionally. I wanted the intimacy, and I wanted to share it with him. I wanted to give myself to him, to bind myself to him, body and soul. The realization thundered through me with every break of waves, the intensity building behind restrained sobs, like painful relief, like an exorcising of desire. And I knew I couldn't stop what we had started.

I wrapped one arm around his back, my other hand finding its way into his hair. His stocking cap slipped from his head as he relentlessly kissed my mouth. We breathed each other in, our tongues caressing the way our bodies wanted to. Our lips pulled greedily, slipping possessively over each other and all the while his hands did not give up their tender movements.

My hips rocked up against his leg and he groaned. His hand rose slowly to the edge of my bra and his finger ran lightly across the top.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Such _sweet_ agony.

I arched into his hands and when his fingers curled, dipping underneath, I pulled my mouth away, sharply sucking in a gasp of air as the back of his finger brushed against my sensitive peak. His mouth fell to my neck and this time it was me that was groaning as he sucked on my collar bone, slowly running the tip of his tongue in the hollow of my neck. One hand pulled out of my coat and grasped the neck, pulling the zipper roughly open as the other hand continued massaging, tugging, driving me mad with need. His mouth went lower and tears leaked out the corners of my eyes.

"Just you. Only you," he spoke roughly against the swell of my breast. And I cried out when his lips took the place of his teasing finger, pulling with the slightest of pressure. "You're it for me," he groaned.

Our bodies moved together and there was nothing I wanted more in that moment than to be consumed by him. "Yes," I gasped, my head nodding shakily. His hips pushed down on my thigh. "Please," I said, giving him everything. I wanted him to find rest in me. To be the one to soothe his hurts, to carry his burdens. His soft place to land.

"Hmmmm," he groan-hummed against my breast. "I love you," he said rising up to look in my eyes, one hand still on my soft flesh.

And I knew.

I loved him too. It was in every fiber of my being. He was mine and I was his.

Suddenly he was still. His eyes widening as he looked down at me. He brought his free hand to the side of my face. "I love you," he whispered and more tears leaked from my eyes. His thumb brushed them away as he seemed to study my face in the dark. I arched my back, silently encouraging him to continue and he removed his hand from under my clothes, placing it on my face and kissing me ever so tenderly. He rolled off of me and my whole body mourned.

I lay on the sand, staring up at the ink black sky, the waves roaring in my ears. The cold seeped through my clothes as agitation jittered in my frustrated body and the wind stung my tear filled eyes. _Why_ did he pull back? He wanted me, I knew he did. And he loved me, he had told me several times. I had made it obvious that I wanted him too. Didn't he know? Did he need me to verbalize my love for him? "Why did you stop?"

"Because I love you," he rasped.

My brow pinched together. "But I lo-"

"Please don't," he interrupted and the words slapped me in the face.

Confusion filled my mind and I rolled on my side to face him. His profile was lit up by the headlamp that lay on the sand beside him. "Why?"

I saw his Adam's Apple bob as he swallowed. His mouth opening and closing, trying to find words.

"Maybe you think it's too soon for me to say, but it's not. I've been ready for a while… I just…didn't know. But you are _exactly_ what I need. Exactly what I _want_. And you are _exactly_ who I want to love."

He looked over at me, his features once again bathed in shadows. "Bella, don't. Please. I want you to be able to say it in the clear light of day, with no hormones and without my prompting."

"But-"

His fingers touched my lips and stopped my words. "I don't want you to regret anything," he whispered.

We lay side by side staring one another down. The light of the headlamp illuminated every emotion that crossed my face, while _his_ expressions were hidden from me.

He was so frustrating. It seemed he was always riling me up only to leave me wanting. I couldn't deny it. It was true. I _was_ influenced by desire. But it didn't change the fact that I _knew_ that I loved him.

He stood up and reached down to pull me to my feet. He secured my headlamp to my forehead once again and held my face as though it was a priceless treasure. "Now, are you going to dig up our dinner or am I going to have to mangle more helpless sea creatures?"

As agitated as I was, I couldn't help but laugh. I _did_ love him.

He deserved to know that my love was genuine. Maybe I needed to prove it just as he'd done for me time and time again. And I would.

* * *

><p><strong>So what did you think?<strong>

**Please let me know what you're thinking! I really want to hear from you! Reviewers will get a little teaser that will not be posted anywhere else - omigosh, I promise this time it WILL happen (I also post teasers on ADF and Fictionators) - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know! **

**I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season! I'm ready to get back to routine, what about you?**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy and kept on trucking even with eye fatigue. :)**

* * *

><p>I wiped the perspiration from my brow as I turned the razor clams in the frying pan. The stubble from Edward's chin grazed the back of my neck as his strong hands gripped my hips.<p>

"Mmm, smells amazing," he murmured and I shivered as he placed soft kisses on my heated skin.

"Thank you. It's Sue's recipe."

"I wasn't talking about the clams, though I'm sure they're delicious," he said, his voice low and husky as he trailed up beneath my ear and softly sucked on the skin there.

My knees weakened. "Unh, you're going to have to stop that if you want to eat anytime soon."

He laughed quietly and stepped away. I took a deep breath. He was going to kill me. I just knew it.

The heat from the stove had filled the kitchen and my hair was in a messy ponytail to keep it out of the food and off my face. I was lucky to have found the necessary ingredients in Edward's kitchen. He had actually gone grocery shopping, picking up the things he thought we'd need. With a little improvisation, we were doing okay.

I smiled thinking about our evening on the beach. Edward was not conventional in any way. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Our dates were fun and relaxed and he was always thoughtful when planning. He knew what I needed and he knew what I wanted.

I didn't need candlelight and roses. I just needed him.

I took the plate of clams out to the table that Edward had set and stopped abruptly when I saw the lit candles and bouquet of roses in the center. I smiled, thinking about how even in the typical, he continued to surprise me.

"What is it?" he asked, placing a kiss on my shoulder as he passed me with a bottle of wine.

"Nothing, you're just…surprising."

"I hope that's a good thing." His eyes sparkled in the flickering light of the candles as he poured the wine.

I smiled up at him. "It's a _very_ good thing."

It was already midnight and we were starving. But as we ate our dinner, we knew that the wait was worth it. The razor clams were so good and the fun we'd had was far better than eating dinner at a standard time in a sedate restaurant. I loved that Edward wasn't afraid to take risks, that he wanted to try new things and have fun rather than just try to impress me.

I looked across the table at Edward, who was watching me in the candlelight, and I took a sip of the wine. "So how do you come up with all your date ideas?"

He smiled at me before dropping his eyes and shrugging. "I don't know. It's the kind of stuff my mom and dad do together and they have the best marriage I've ever seen." He seemed to contemplate something as he fidgeted with his knife on the tablecloth, the blade glinting in the candlelight. His lips parted slightly and his chest rose, his back straightening. "I want a relationship to last a lifetime, not just till the glitz wears off." He looked up at me again, his cheeks pink and his eyes soft and I was speechless.

He was really serious about this. I was blown away at how purposeful he was being. At how he treated our relationship with such care that he was already investing in the future he hoped for. _Just when I thought he couldn't get any more perfect…_

And what surprised me even more was how it didn't scare me to consider a lifetime with him.

So I returned his smile and nodded softly. "I want that, too."

When we finished our meal, we drifted over to the couch. Edward turned on a late night talk show and we giggled together, stealing occasional kisses, and cuddling under a warm blanket. The combination of the warmth, the wine, and the late hour made me incredibly sleepy and I rested my head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around me. It felt so _right_.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I woke up the next morning to the rich smell of coffee filling my senses and the sound of a shower running. It was cold and I burrowed down into my pillow and blanket, breathing in the masculine scent.

Only…this wasn't my pillow and blanket. My eyes snapped open and darted around a room I'd never seen before. Edward's shoes lay on the floor a few feet away and, suddenly, the sound of a too-tight door sticking with humidity cracked through the air. A cloud of steam puffed into the room as Edward stepped out, hair damp and skin flushed.

"Morning," he said, rubbing a towel on the back of his head with a smile. "I'm sorry; I didn't wake you, did I?"

My eyes widened as my brain replayed the events of the night before. I couldn't remember anything after we sat down to watch a movie. I yanked up the covers to look down. When I saw that I was fully clothed, I breathed a sigh of relief. But…why was I in his bed?

When I looked back up, Edward was laughing. He came over and sat down next to me, brushing my hair away from my face. "You fell asleep on the couch so I put you in bed."

"Oh," I breathed. I looked over at the other side of the bed, but it was still perfectly made.

"And I slept on the couch," he said with a smile.

"Oh."

His eyes held something I couldn't quite place as they traveled over my face and looked over to where my hair was twirled around one of his fingers on the pillow. He leaned over and kissed me gently on the forehead, his nose resting in my hair for just a moment. "There's coffee in the kitchen. When you come out, I'll make you a mean breakfast."

My heart hammered as I watched him leave the room and, when he closed the door behind him, I took a moment to look around. The walls were plain white with not a single picture hanging. A chest of drawers sat across from the bed and a wooden chair with an afghan hanging over the back sat in the corner. I stretched and my back and arms ached just a bit from digging in the sand the night before.

Edward's scent was all around me. I turned over and inhaled deeply in his pillow. It was a strangely intimate experience lying in his bed, knowing that I was sleeping where he normally lay.

I got out of bed and quickly made it before going into the attached bathroom and cleaning up the best I could, running my fingers through my hair, using a bit of Edward's mouthwash, and splashing my face with water.

I left the room and wandered down the hall to the top of the stairs. I could hear Edward talking to someone in the kitchen as I began to descend.

"I know. Okay, just let me…"

My feet paused in mid step and I gripped the hand-rail. He had stopped talking but I could hear him spinning something on the counter. _A bowl? A mug?_

"Listen, she's…she's everything. I don't want to mess it up or freak her out."

My breath caught in my lungs and every muscle froze. My heart warmed as I simultaneously felt anxious over whatever he thought would freak me out.

"I know. Okay, I'll ask her… Yeah. Yeah. I love you too. Sure, bye."

All was silent in the kitchen and I started to feel badly about eavesdropping, even though it hadn't been intentional. My hand trailed along the railing as I continued down the steps. When I turned into the kitchen, Edward had his back to me, his hands buried in his hair and tugging. I could see the definition of his strong shoulders as the shirt stretched over his straining muscles.

When I cleared my throat, he turned around with a startle. "Hey," he said, his voice cracking a bit.

I smiled tentatively. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, uhh. Yeah, I just have some coffee made," he said as he quickly went over to the coffee maker and poured a mug. "Cream and sugar?"

I watched as he put all his attention into preparing the coffee. "Yes, please."

He brought it over and stood awkwardly in front of me, hands jammed in his pockets, as I blew across the surface of the steaming coffee and took a sip. I really wanted to ask what the call had been about, but I needed to trust him. If our relationship was going to work, I needed to trust his motives and I needed to respect him enough to allow him the space to handle things in his time.

So I brought up another interesting topic. "I'm sorry that I inadvertently kicked you out of your bed."

He laughed a little and I smiled. I loved his laugh. There was a pink tint to his cheeks as he looked at me. "I'm sorry; I didn't want to wake you. I didn't want you driving home that late, being that tired."

I shook my head. "Don't worry about it. Thank you for taking care of me."

He smiled a little sheepishly. "I have to admit that it wasn't entirely selfless. You have no idea what it did to me to see you laying in my bed."

I choked on my coffee a bit. What was I supposed to say to that?

His smile grew till it spread across his face and his eyes twinkled.

"You're a terrible tease, Lieutenant."

"I'm a tease?" he asked with mock offense. "You're the one with the audacity to fall asleep on me, leaving me no other option but to put you up for the night and then for you to look so effortlessly beautiful through it all? Even with that puddle of drool you left on my pillow you were still adorable."

Heat rushed to my face. "_What?_ I did _not_ drool!" _I didn't, did I? Oh, God, you and I are going to have words if you let me drool! _

He laughed and stepped forward, putting his hand on my cheek and lightly pressing on my bottom lip with his thumb. "Don't worry. There's no one I'd rather have drool on my pillow."

My eyebrows pinched together. I wasn't sure how to take that. "Umm, thank you?"

His eyes softened and he leaned forward. "Bella, you're the best thing to ever happen to me."

My insides quivered as he bent to press a gentle kiss to my lips. They slipped to tenderly capture my bottom lip with such sweet slowness. My hands slipped up his chest before he pulled back slightly.

"Would you like Lucky Charms or Cocoa Pebbles?"

And I burst out laughing. Oh, how I loved him.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"So you guys are going to help chaperon the Harvest Dance, right?" Jacob asked when he approached Edward and me in the aisle of the sanctuary.

"Uhh, I guess?" I said. Apparently, the church's youth group always had a dance for the kids on Halloween.

"It's nice you have so many _helpful_ friends, Jacob," Rose piped up as she stepped over beside us.

Jake didn't look impressed. "Ha, ha. Yeah, sure, Blondie," he said dryly. Apparently, he was still a bit sensitive about having needed Rose's help to change his tire.

Edward and I stifled our laughs while Rose smiled smugly.

"Yeah, so it's a costume thing," Jake said. "See you Friday." Then he started to walk off and I just couldn't resist.

"Oh, I think Rose is free that night. She could help too!"

Jacob turned back around with hard eyes. "Great."

"I don't know," Rose said, her fingers tapping against her crossed arms. "The last time I helped you, Jake, you weren't too grateful."

Jake stared at her and chuckled before shaking his head slightly. "Do what you want, Blondie. If you want to help, great. If not, no skin off my nose," he said with a shrug before walking away.

"You're coming, right?" Edward smirked at Rose.

"Wouldn't miss it," she replied airily before picking up her purse and shooting me a smile and leaving.

"So, what are you going to wear?" Edward asked as we walked out to the parking lot, our shoes crunching on the gravel scattered on the pavement.

I smiled over at him. "I don't have a clue, why?"

"Oh, I don't know." He shrugged. "Just didn't know if you wanted to coordinate."

"What? Like a couple?" I teased, bumping his arm with mine.

Suddenly he stopped in the middle of the lot, cars slowly driving past as they left. I looked over at him quizzically. He smirked and lowered himself to one knee, taking my hand in his.

"What are you doing?" I asked, my eyes darting around nervously at the people suddenly watching.

"I'm sorry, Miss Swan, if I haven't made my intentions clear enough for you. Allow me to rectify that egregious omission," he said, his eyes trained on mine as I shifted from foot to foot. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

I bit my lip to keep from laughing and pulled my hand from his grasp. He jumped up laughing and pulled me into a hug as drivers honked their horns. My head rested on his chest as he laughed freely and I smiled at his levity. "You really are terrible, you know?"

"I know."

"Imagine the talk that we're going to have to deal with now."

He shrugged, releasing me from his hold. "Let 'em talk."

We smiled at each other in the misty air.

"Wanna wear my letterman's jacket?"

I laughed again. "You know, actually I do. Where is it? I'd wear it with pride."

He opened the door to his car and ruffled my hair before circling around to his seat.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

I thought all week about what to wear to the dance. Edward and I agreed to just surprise each other with our costumes. I didn't want to be matchy-matchy and coordinate our outfits, but I wanted him to like it. I had an idea but I didn't know if I'd be able to find the items I needed for it.

When I offhandedly mentioned it to Rose at lunch in the cafeteria, she wasn't sure.

"Really? An '80's movie character? You know that none of the kids will get it."

"Yeah, I know. But it's our thing," I insisted.

"Well, what about Buttercup?" she suggested. "I actually have a Buttercup dress in my closet from a production of _The Princess Bride_ in college."

I wrinkled my nose. "I don't know. Too cheesy, maybe? Yeah, I think I like my idea better."

She shrugged. "All right, well, I have to get back to work. But your best chance is a thrift store."

We made plans to go to Value Village after work and I was actually excited to see if I could find what I needed.

I had a couple classroom instruction sessions that afternoon and when I returned to my office, there was a small potted fern sitting on my desk with an envelope balancing in the fronds. I pulled out the small card and after a moment of confusion, my cheeks flamed at the memory.

_Whenever I see a fern, I can't help but think of you._

The memory of our first kiss…

The smell of him and the earth beneath our bodies…

The bits of fern fronds that I picked out of my hair that night…

The intense abandon with which he'd kissed me…

My knees weakened and I had to sit down quickly.

"You all right, Bella?" Jasper popped into my office and my head snapped up.

"Oh yeah, yeah. Good."

He eyed me for a moment but then let it go. "All right, well I'm headed home for the day. See you tomorrow."

"Okay, have a good night."

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

My white Keds tapped impatiently on the floor as I waited for Edward to arrive to pick me up for the dance. I felt almost like a teenager, I was so nervous. I really wanted him to like my outfit and I hoped he'd even recognize what it was.

But when I opened the door and saw his costume, all my nerves left me in a whoosh of laughter. He was dressed head to toe in black: bandana, mask, laced up shirt, belt, pants and even swashbuckler boots. A sword in its scabbard was attached to his waist. Yeah, I was really glad I didn't choose the Buttercup look. That would have been a little ostentatious. His smile broadened as he took in my outfit and I shook my head, grabbing my purse and heading out to his car.

"Well, "Man in Black," how are you driving with that mask? Is it even legal?"

"I'm not wearing it while driving, you Goonie," he teased while ripping off the black cloth that mostly covered his eyes, save for the slits. _Oh my, he put Westley to shame._ "Where in the world did you find that yellow letterman's sweater anyway?"

I smiled, "I put some stuff together from the thrift store." The idea to dress as Andy from _The Goonies_ had evolved from our joke over me wearing his letterman jacket. "I guess '80's cult movies really _are_ our thing."

The chairs in the sanctuary had been cleared out, making room for a dance floor, and upbeat music was pumping through the sound system. Kids were arriving and starting to dance.

"I'm going to go find Jacob and see what he needs us to do," Edward said, squeezing my elbow and walking off through the groups of people standing around.

My eyes scanned the room, looking to see what needed to be done. I saw some people setting up tables for refreshments so I headed over and helped to set out bowls of popcorn and chips. When that was done, Edward still hadn't returned so I did another circle around the room. When I passed the door, Rose came casually walking in. When I saw her, I couldn't contain the gleeful laughter that bubbled out. She hadn't told me what she would be wearing and this was absolutely perfect.

Just as she was on her way over, Jake came up to talk to me but stopped short when he took in her appearance with hard eyes.

Rose had affected a bored expression as she put her hands on her hips and looked between Jacob and myself. Her hair was a mess, pulled back in a ratty ponytail. Black smudges marred her complexion and rimmed her cuticles. A pair of dingy dark blue coveralls hung from her frame. And if that wasn't enough, the best part was the patch on the left side of her chest that read, _Jake's Garage_.

I bit my lip and stifled my giggles as Jake glared at her and she simply said, "How's it going?"

He turned his gaze back to me, ignoring her greeting, and said, "If you guys can just walk around, mingle, make sure nobody gets out of hand, that'd be great."

I nodded my assent and he turned to head back in the direction from which he'd come. When he was gone I broke down in laughter, tears filling my eyes. "Oh, Rose. You're awful."

Her grin lit up her smudged face. "I know, I am, aren't I?"

We wandered around, watching kids dance and have fun. No one got too out of hand and contrary to some churchgoers' fears, as far as I could tell, the majority of kids were just having clean, wholesome fun. They danced in groups and with their friends. I found it humorous that whenever a couple got a bit too close for a church function, they were good naturedly reminded to "leave room for the Holy Spirit."

My eyes couldn't help but drift to Edward every so often. He looked so amazing in his Dread Pirate Roberts costume. His muscular physique was only accentuated by the costume.

I saw him shoot a glare across the room at Mike and Jessica who were standing on the outskirts of the dancers. Mike had his arms folded, looking annoyed, while Jessica's expression was a combination of hope and insecurity. But when Mike's eyes met Edward's he turned and said something to Jessica before leading her out to dance.

I sighed. I really hoped Mike would have a change of heart. Edward looked over and caught my eye. Then with a smile, he slowly sauntered over to me.

"You're looking mighty adorable in that outfit," he said. "Care to dance?"

"I don't know; can I be trusted with a pirate?"

He smirked. "You're safe for now." He placed his hand on my waist and took my hand in his other, beginning to move to the music. "But I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

_You're already killing me_, I thought as I looked up into his eyes.

We didn't dance for long before he stopped, looking fiercely through the crowd. "What? What is it?" I asked, craning my neck to see what was happening.

Jessica was running toward the back door, her hands covering her face and Mike was nowhere in sight. Edward and I took off. I went after Jessica and he went storming through the crowd, presumably to find Mike.

When I burst out into the cold night air, my breath coming in puffs of gray against the black, I looked back and forth but couldn't see her. I chose a direction and ran around the side of the church. I still couldn't see her but then I heard muffled sobs coming from behind the bushes and trees next to the building.

"Jessica?" I called, stepping lightly on the bark and working my way through the shrubs to find her sitting on the ground, leaning against the building.

"He asked me to the dance and I thought… I thought that he wanted to make it work," she said through gasps.

I sunk down beside her and winced as my bare knees hit the cold ground. "What happened?"

"We were dancing. He seemed angry. I asked him what was wrong and we fought. He said I wasn't ever going to get his money and that I should just get rid of the baby." Her face dropped into her knees and her small frame shook with wracking sobs. "He said I'd make a terrible mother," she wailed.

A lump formed in my throat and I pulled her into my arms. She collapsed on my lap and I rocked her and rubbed her back till her cries quieted.

"It is going to be difficult, sweetie. It just will be. But that doesn't mean you'll be a terrible mother. If he won't help, you'll find help other places."

She was sniffling and nodding.

"Have you told your parents yet?"

"Not yet," she said, her voice small and shaky. "Will you go with me?"

I held her tighter. "Of course I will. You name the time and I'll be there."

She sat up then and hugged me.

"Come on, Jess, let's get you home," I said, helping her to her feet.

We walked back around the church and toward the parking lot. Edward was outside and he came running, helping us both into the car.

The drive to Jessica's house was quiet and when we arrived, she gave me another hug before heading into the house.

On the way to my house, Edward gripped the steering wheel so hard I thought he might break it – or a bone.

"Come inside?" I asked when he parked the car in the driveway. He nodded.

When we got in the house, I looked over at him. He had taken off his mask and bandana and was running his hands through his hair.

"Did you find him?"

He shook his head and let out a heavy breath of air.

"Maybe… Maybe it's not the right thing to harass him," I said and he opened his mouth to refute my statement but I continued. "I mean, I absolutely agree that he should be helping her. It's just as much his responsibility. But if he's being forced into it, he may only make it more difficult on her," I said, thinking about how he'd berated her and crushed her already tenuous hope that she be a good mother.

His jaw was clenched as he listened to what I had to say. "I get what you're saying. And I'll keep it in mind. But I am going to talk to him. Sometimes a guy just needs to be punched between the eyes. An emotional plea doesn't always work. And I'm not ready to just drop it with him yet. He needs some swift and direct…persuasion."

His words alarmed me. "Edward, you can't touch him."

"I won't have to touch him," he said. When I didn't say anything, his squared shoulders relaxed a bit. "Look, I promise. I won't touch him. I won't do anything out of line. Just…trust me on this?"

I took a deep breath. I made the decision to give him my faith. "Okay," I said with a nod.

When he smiled, I walked over and turned on some quiet music. Enough drama. I just wanted to focus on us.

"Dance with me?" I asked.

When I put my hand in his, he pulled me gently to him, wrapping his large warm hand around mine and cradling it to his chest. His other arm wrapped securely around my waist and tucked me close. He dropped his face to my hair and breathed in deeply.

We rocked slowly with the music. His forehead leaned against mine. His nose brushed along mine and I raised my face just a bit, our noses slowly caressing, our lips mere centimeters apart. He pulled me tighter till the only things between us were our hands between our chests. I smiled when I felt his heart beating against my palm. I was sure he could feel mine as well.

I breathed deeply, having all but forgotten about the Mike and Jessica situation, I was completely at peace in the moment.

My eyes fluttered open and the intensity in his dark gaze made my breath catch. Slowly, he kissed me. I could feel every ounce of love in his kiss and his heart picked up its rhythm in his chest.

"What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" he asked.

I blinked at him in confusion. It seemed random. "I…I guess I'll have it with my dad. I usually do. Would you like to come?"

He smiled. "Oh, well, my mom called. They want me to go home to Chicago for Thanksgiving."

I nodded. "Oh, okay." The thought crossed my mind that his parents might still live next door to Emmett's.

"They want me to bring you."

My eyes widened in surprise. "Oh," I breathed.

His eyes held all the hope of a freckle-faced little boy.

This was not something I could avoid if I wanted us to work._ How could I say no to him?_ "Okay," I said, as anxiety and concern seeped into my heart.

_Chicago…_

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><p><strong>So what did you think?<strong>

**Please let me know your thoughts! I really want to hear from you! Reviewers will get a little teaser that will not be posted anywhere else (I also post teasers on ADF and Fictionators) - provided you haven't disabled your pm's. :) But if you don't want to be spoiled, just let me know!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**Thank you also to Fatlouie407, melymbrosia2911, and conqueredthesky for the help with sports seasons on twitter. And thank you to mirrorlight31 for the help with fishing terms! **

**One other disclaimer: My beta and prereader are not to be faulted for my made up words - or any other mistakes for that matter. I blame George Bernard Shaw. :)**

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><p>"Wow," Charlie said, his eyebrows lifting on his otherwise expressionless face.<p>

I stirred two packs of sugar into my coffee before wrapping my fingers around the warm, smooth surface, well worn by rough logging hands over the decades. "Yeah."

"I don't know, Bells. Maybe you should just stay away from these Coast Guard kids," he said, wiping flakes of sugar-glaze off his fingers and swiping it off his mustache.

I smiled, wedging my hands underneath my legs on the stuffed blue vinyl bench seat. I'd met my dad for coffee and donuts at a diner on the highway as was our habit from time to time and told him all about my relationship with Edward. "Little too late, Dad."

He grunted as he took a sip of his coffee.

I chewed my lip as I gathered up the courage to tell him the next part. "And I'm going to meet his parents in Chicago for Thanksgiving," I said in a rushed exhale. I braced myself for his response. I may have been a grown and previously married woman, living on my own, but I was still my dad's little girl and I still had that sense of hopeful anxiety over his approval.

He blinked a few times and set his coffee mug down on the laminate table. For a few moments, the only sounds to be heard in the deserted diner were the clanking of dishes in the kitchen and the spray from tires as cars passed on the highway.

His surprise had been understated when I told him about the bizarre coincidence of Edward's relationship with Emmett. But as I knew would happen, his concern for me won out in the battle against his discomfort at meddling in _my_ business.

"So, let me get this straight. _I_ haven't even met this guy and I live fifty miles away but you're going to Chicago to meet _his_ parents?" His eyes bored into mine. "Don't you think this might be a little premature?"

I took in a deep breath. I wanted his approval. I wanted it because it was important to me. But I also knew my mind. "I know it must seem quick to you. And I am sorry about that. It sort of…snuck up on me. We dated for a while and then I found out about his relationship with Emmett and I was hurt and angry and made some assumptions that weren't true." I stared out at the branches blowing in the breeze across the highway, running my thumb up and down the handle of my mug. "After a while, we started hanging out again as friends. And then…we made our peace with each other. And we just sort of…happened."

He looked at me with more than a little skepticism. "You sort of _happened_."

I looked straight into his eyes. "I love him, Dad."

He stared at me hard. After a moment, seeming satisfied with my answer, he picked up his donut and took a bite. "So, when am I gonna meet this kid?"

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

A few days later, I sat completely still in the Stanleys' living room, squeezing Jessica's hand. She had arranged a time for me to come over and sit with her while she told her parents.

Her father's face was a stony fortress as his fingers rhythmically gripped and released the arms of his chair. Her mother sat unmoving, tears trailing down her cheeks.

I was proud of how Jessica had owned up to her actions, not making excuses or casting blame.

We had both agreed that it would be best if I didn't say anything. This was between them. I was solely there for moral support. The problem was that as the meeting progressed, I was finding that silence more and more difficult to maintain.

Her parents' reaction was not entirely unexpected. After their initial shock wore off a bit, they were hurt and angry, accusations and assumptions erupting forth like seething lava.

"That son of a bitch kid! I welcomed him into my house! Trusted him with my daughter! He did this! Why doesn't he come here and tell me like a man?"

"How could he do this to you?" her mother wailed.

"He'll pay for this. If Councilman Newton thinks he can let his son run the streets unchecked, taking advantage of teenage girls – "

"It takes two, Dad," Jessica said, her voice trembling but strong, under the onslaught.

Mr. Stanley's eyes narrowed at his daughter and then cut to me.

Mrs. Stanley spoke up. "When this happened to the Sawyer's daughter, she put the baby up for adoption. He got adopted into a nice family. People who wanted children of their own but couldn't. I'll ask Debbie what agency they used."

Jessica shook her head. "No, Mom. I'm keeping my baby."

Her mother seemed baffled. "B-b-but what about college, sweetie? Your test scores, your community service, the debate team, this is what you've been working for. It's what you've dreamed of your whole life," she pleaded. "You're just going to throw it away because of one night?"

Jessica took a steadying breath and I squeezed her hand again in support. "College was never _my_ dream, Mom."

"Jessica!" her mother spluttered, hands balled into fists. "Don't be ridiculous. Of course it is."

"No, it's not. I always went along with it because I had no better ideas of what to do."

Mrs. Stanley scoffed. "Oh, so…what? Having a baby is your _better_ idea?" she challenged with a glare. "This will _ruin_ your life. Do you hear me? _Ruin!_ You will regret this every day of the rest of your life."

Jessica's eyes mirrored her mother's steely gaze. "Like you do?" she sneered.

I took a quick breath in through my nose and bit my tongue, placing what I hoped was a calming touch on Jessica's back.

Her mother looked as though she'd been struck. Her eyes widened and her hand covered her mouth as tears welled up. "How dare you?"

"Jessica Denise Stanley, you will not speak to your mother that way!" her father roared and I flinched. "Your mother has been good to you your whole life. Is this how you'll repay her?" My chest tightened as he waved a hand in my direction. "Is that why you brought your _friend_? So you could speak to us disrespectfully and get away with it?"

Finally, the girl beside me broke under the pressure. "I'm sorry," she said, hiding her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking. "I'm sorry, Mom."

"I have done _every_thing to give you all the opportunities I didn't have. And now you're just going to throw it all away?" her mother cried.

"I'll consider it, okay? I'll consider adoption. But right now, I just want my baby. I'll get a job. I'll do whatever it takes," she said quickly through her cries. "I'd love your support. I'm…asking…for your support. But if you can't…or won't…then I'll do it on my own."

Her small concession did nothing to assuage the tensions that continued to mount in the oppressive room.

Her mother stood on shaky legs and spoke through her tears. "I love you, honey. But if you think I'm going to stand by and watch you destroy everything, you're sorely mistaken."

With that, she turned and walked out of the room and Jessica curled into her chest, her whole frame shaking with sobs. I wrapped an arm around her back and pulled her close. The retreating sounds of her mother's weeping chipped away at my crumbling composure, as she ascended the stairs, till tears streamed down my own face.

Her father then rose to his feet, clenched fists trembling. "You got yourself into this, you can get yourself out!" her father spat, his face red in fury.

A moment later, the front door slammed and I was left holding and rocking the quivering, keening, girl.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"It didn't go well," I said as I sliced apples on the cutting board, throwing the pieces into a large bowl. "It was…awful."

Edward nodded. "I'm sorry."

"It was so bad, I tried to get her to come stay with me for a few days but she refused. I told her that they were just in shock and that they'd cool down. I really hope I'm right."

Edward rubbed my shoulders from behind and rested his chin on my head. "You did the right thing."

"I don't know. I'm just worried about her. She's really fragile."

He dropped a kiss in my hair and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Bella, I don't want to belittle what she's going through. Because it's rough. And it's going to be rough for a long time. But being fragile is part of being human. Any one of us is one step away from being ripped apart."

"Thanks for the pep-talk, Pollyanna."

He laughed softly and squeezed me tighter. "That's why we have each other...and uhh, faith and stuff."

"Hmm," I hummed with a smile. "And stuff." Despite having attended church for quite some time, we were both still getting accustomed to allowing faith to guide our everyday lives. "You're right. I know."

He released me and stepped away, walking around to the other side of the counter. "Unfortunately, Mike's being stubborn. I told him that if he didn't step up, I'd talk to his father."

"I don't know, Edward," I said with a sigh. "Listen, I love, _love_ that you're wanting to do the right thing here and that you're trying to get Mike to do the right thing. But I honestly don't know if that'll help or hurt Jessica." I switched on the oven and sprinkled lemon juice over the bowl of apples. "Can we just wait on that? Just wait till things calm down with her parents and then see what she wants to do? I mean, she's the one who will be affected by all this."

He eyed me speculatively. I knew he was struggling with it. I could see he didn't want to wait. But after a moment, he conceded. "Fine, okay. We'll wait."

I heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank you." I just really didn't want to make things harder on Jessica.

I handed him a lump of dough and a rolling pin and we worked together quietly.

"I have a surprise," he said with a twinkle in his eye.

I looked up from the apple mixture thinking he looked adorable with flour smudged on his cheeks. "What's that?"

"I bought our plane tickets," he said, watching me.

"Oh." I sprinkled a bit of salt on the apple mixture and stirred, swiping the edges of the bowl as I felt the anxiety well up in my chest.

He gripped the handles of the rolling pin as it bumped unevenly across the hilly surface of the crust, layers of dough flaking off and sticking to the sides of the pin.

"Here, let me help you," I said, brushing my hands off on my jeans and walking around the counter.

Edward stood over my shoulder, watching me work. "My mom's really excited to meet you," he said as his fingers trailed up my spine, making me shiver.

I smiled despite my nerves. Even though I knew it would be difficult and awkward, especially if I saw Emmett's parents, I was looking forward to getting to know more about my Edward.

_My_ Edward.

I liked the sound of that.

I knew that he was worth it. He was worth it and he deserved all of me. Not the broken shell of a person I was when Emmett died. I wasn't that woman anymore. I had learned so much. Grown so much. And Edward had helped me. He was worth the discomfort I'd feel around Mr. and Mrs. McCarty. He deserved better than this misdirected shame; this vestige of grief for a beautiful life that now lived on in memories and in heaven.

I turned to him and looked up into his beautiful, hopeful eyes, our bodies so close as they orbited around each other. "I'm looking forward to meeting her too," I said softly. His smile warmed me and I reached up and placed my hands on his chest. He settled his hands on my waist and I slid mine up and around the back of his neck, raising myself on tiptoes, our chests pressing together. I needed him to hear this, _really_ hear this. "I love you, Edward."

I felt his breath catch as he registered my words. Before I knew it, my back was pressed against the counter and his lips were on mine. His hands gripped the back of my shirt so tightly, I thought it might rip. His mouth moved insistently, tugging, sliding, before slowing, his tongue reaching out to slide with mine. He slid one hand to my rear and I gasped as the other pushed the pie in progress to the side. I fleetingly wondered if it had been damaged before he gripped me roughly and lifted me onto the edge of the counter where our faces were level.

"Say it again," he growled before attacking my neck, one of his hands tangling in the hair at the nape.

My head dropped back and ragged breaths tore through me. "I love you," I groaned before he covered my mouth again, scraping my lips with his stubble in his fervor. His hands tightened even further on my shirt and I felt the buttons give way. "Mmmfff," I hummed and then laughed, hoping they'd just come undone and not actually popped off.

"What?" he asked breathlessly between soft and full kisses.

But he didn't let me speak, his tongue sliding against mine in a caress as he pushed me back on the counter, hemming me in between his arms and under his body. He raked his hand down the side of my body, over my hip, down my thigh and to my knee, where he gripped me and pulled my leg over his waist.

_What indeed?_ I wrapped my arms around his neck and tugged his hair with my greedy fingers. He rewarded me with a guttural sound that reverberated through his chest.

His hand inched beneath the hem of my shirt and goose bumps broke out across my skin as his fingers traced tight patterns on my belly, inching up and up and _up_.

I couldn't believe how quickly I could become inebriated by his touch, my body moving and gripping and writhing beneath him. When my back arched, he paused, looking down to see my exposed bra. He dragged his gaze back to mine, eyes dark with desire that made my stomach clench.

He hovered above me, ragged breathing, hair in disarray, his eyes never leaving mine.

Suddenly, my phone rang and Edward jumped up, running his hands through his hair and brushing the flour off his clothes.

I stood up slowly, ignoring the phone. "Hey," I said, reaching out to still his arm. He looked up at me, eyes wide and vulnerable.

After a moment, he let out a heavy breath. "You should get that," he said gesturing at the phone.

I looked over to the lit up display. "Hi Dad," I spoke as levelly as I could into the phone as I looked over at Edward, who was busy trying to repair the pie crust and straighten out the items on the counter.

"Hey, kiddo," he gruffed.

"How's it going?" I asked, glancing over at Edward as he washed his hands in the sink.

"Can't complain." I heard a newspaper rustling. "You?"

Running my hand through my tangled hair, it stuck on a piece of dough. "I'm good," I said as I unsuccessfully tried to pick it out with my free hand.

Charlie cleared his throat. "That's good."

I winced as I yanked on the matted hair and dough before Edward stepped in front of me and gently took the piece of hair to begin working on the clump.

"So uhh… What are you and that boy of yours doing next weekend?"

"Next weekend?" I asked, looking up at Edward. "I'm not sure, why?"

"Would you kids want to come out for a visit? Harry and I are headed out for our last trip of salmon season," he said stiltedly. "Would…Edward…like to come along?"

I bit back a grin. "I'm not sure, I'll have to check." Edward was still gently slipping the dough out of the strands of my hair.

"All right. Let me know."

"Okay, love you, Dad."

"Love you too, kiddo."

I set the phone down on the counter and turned back around just as I felt a slight tug on the front of my shirt. Edward was carefully buttoning it back up, his breathing shallow. I was fleetingly grateful that the buttons were still intact. I really liked that shirt.

I felt my cheeks flame under his tender but very intense attention. When he reached the top, his fingers continued up the sides of my neck till he cupped my face gently. He bent over and kissed me softly and slowly. His lips pressed mine with the gentlest of pressure till my body began to respond once again.

He pulled back and I groaned.

"I have to go."

"What? Why? It's only eight o'clock."

"I know. But. If I stay any longer…" I felt a tremor run through his body. "I just need to leave," he said with a small smile as he stepped away and picked up his jacket off the back of the kitchen chair.

I followed him to the door, already missing his touch. "Oh," I said, clearing my throat. "My dad wants us to come for a visit next weekend. He wants to take you fishing?"

"Oh, sure," he said a little stiffly as he opened the door a crack and a cold gust of wind blew in. He stared at me for a long moment, then tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and kissed me on the forehead. "Say it again," he whispered.

My eyebrows pinched together. "My dad wants to take you fishing?"

"No," he said gruffly, one hand gripping my hip as he ran a thumb over my cheek. "Tell me…tell me…"

My eyes watered in realization and I reached up to wrap my arms around his neck. I lifted up and placed my mouth just in front of his so that our lips brushed as I whispered. "I love you, Edward. So much." Then I kissed him. Till I couldn't tell whose breath was whose or whose hands were where. Despite the draft from the door, I was flushed with heat and passion and love.

Just then a strong gust of wind blew in and caused goosebumps to erupt all over my skin. I pressed further into Edward but he broke the kiss. "I really have to go," he said hoarsely, his kiss-swollen lips stretched into the biggest grin I'd ever seen. And I whimpered. I actually _whimpered_.

His eyes sparkled and he gave me one more kiss that made my insides ache.

And then he was gone.

It was all I could do to flop into the nearest chair and pull into a ball of sparking nerves and frustrated urges.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

The trees closed over the road as we wound down the highway on our way to Forks on Friday night. I was doing all right keeping the car sickness at bay as we traveled the seemingly endless curves.

I always loved traveling this stretch of highway. It was like a cleansing of all the hubbub of everyday life. Here, nature was alive, as if in a fairy tale. Man was merely a visitor in this ancient world that lived and moved. The forest advanced, threatening to reclaim the winding stretch of highway for its own. Branches draped and twined like the sinewy arms of an ethereal dancer. Tiny waterfalls trickled down chiseled rock walls that hugged the road. Moss poured over every surface, while ferns scattered and crawled across the forest floor. It was a magical place where even the respiration of the wind infused life and animated the natural world.

It never ceased to amaze me how it could be so beautiful even on a gloomy day such as that day. Mist hung over the surface of Lake Crescent and I smiled, remembering the youth retreat: the games, the swimming, _the kiss_.

"Bella," Edward said, nudging my arm with an elbow.

"Hmm?" I asked, snapping out of my dream-like state.

He laughed and shook his head. "I just asked you a question."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I was just…lost in thought."

We passed the turnoff for the retreat center and Edward smirked. "What were you thinking about?"

I smiled. "Just a project at work."

"I'll bet," he chuckled. "I have half a mind to pull over and have my way with you in the ferns again till you tell me."

My eyes widened and a flush crept up my body starting down low and blooming in my face.

"Lucky for you, your dad knows we're on our way and he's probably got us timed making sure I don't drive too fast or take any unnecessary detours."

"Hey, he's not that bad!"

"Well, he _is_ a cop," he said, as though proving his point.

"Did you have a question, Edward?"

His smirk was back. "I just said that I don't know much about him other than that he's the chief of police and he apparently likes fishing. Is there anything else I should know?"

"Oh, uhh, he loves the Mariners. He's pretty quiet."

Charlie met us at the door when we arrived and pulled me into a slightly awkward yet tender hug.

Edward set down our bags and stuck out his hand. "Chief Swan, it's so nice to meet you."

Charlie eyed him guardedly before accepting Edward's hand. "You kids hungry?"

"Uhh, no, we grabbed dinner just before leaving town," I said as we ambled into the kitchen.

"Beer?" he offered as he opened the fridge and looked over at us expectantly.

"Actually, I think I'll just have some water," I said, taking a glass out of the cabinet and helping myself.

"Edward?"

"Yes, thank you," Edward said, standing a bit awkwardly next to the table. It was odd having him there, in my dad's home.

We sat down at the table. Dad and Edward cracked into their beers and I sipped my water.

"Work good?" Charlie asked me.

"Oh yeah, it's great," I said, nodding my head.

"Jasper still treating you right?"

I smiled. Dad had always liked Jasper since I was in high school. "Of course."

We sat quietly for a few minutes, just drinking our drinks. I knew not to try and awkwardly fill the silence. I'd learned from years of experience that the best thing to do was to be comfortably quiet. Nervous babbling was the first thing to annoy Charlie.

"Edward, how's your…pilot thing going?"

Edward straightened up. "It's good, sir. It's always fulfilling," he said with a practiced easy smile. I knew he was on edge, but he was hiding it well. "How is law enforcement?"

Charlie ran his thumb over his can of beer. "Can't complain. So, Edward, you're from Chicago?"

"Yes, sir. My parents are still there."

"Mmhmm. So how long will you be stationed in Port Angeles?"

Edward took in a deep breath. "Well, I come up for a potential transfer in a year and a half, sir. But it could be as long as three and a half years."

My heart skipped a beat. It was nothing I hadn't already come to grips with when I was with Emmett. But it still wasn't the most pleasant thought: a nomadic life, never in any one place for more than a few years.

Edward seemed to be holding up well. I felt a sense of pride that he was able to read Charlie and communicate well with him. Most people didn't quite know how to handle him. I smiled at my man and his eyes softened in return.

After a while, Charlie got up and went into the living room and turned on the TV. Edward raised his eyebrows at me and I just smiled. We went in and joined my father in watching a game of football.

We enjoyed the game in silence and at nine o'clock sharp, Charlie stood up. "Early start tomorrow. Probably should hit the hay." He shuffled over to our bags. "Edward, let's get you kids settled in Bella's room."

I raised an eyebrow. Charlie had never allowed me to have a guy stay in my room with me.

"If it's all the same, sir, I'll just sleep on the couch," Edward said.

My dad stopped at the base of the stairs, put Edward's bag down, turned back around to look at Edward. And with the tiniest of Charlie smiles, he said, "You're all right, kid." Then he climbed the stairs with my bag in his hand and I couldn't help the fit of giggles that came over me.

When my dad was out of earshot, Edward smiled and jokingly wiped his brow. "Passed that test."

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

The house was quiet when I awoke the next morning. The only sound was the gentle pitter patter of rain on the roof, coaxing me from my dreams. I stretched and when my arms left the shelter of my blankets, the cold air made me shiver and pull in tight for warmth.

The clock on the nightstand said that it was eight-thirty and I realized that my dad and Edward probably had already left. Gathering the blanket around myself my bare feet touched the cold wood floor. I peeked out the window and, sure enough, Dad's car was gone. I sent a silent prayer up to the heavens for their trip and hoped that Edward wasn't too nervous. _Nothing like getting to know the father on a boat with no escape_, I thought with a smile.

I could smell the Folgers coffee drifting up from downstairs. But first things first. I needed a shower. I lathered the shampoo into my hair and thought about when I brought Emmett home to meet my dad. Charlie had been pretty hard on Emmett. He had been a complete unknown and Charlie always favored Jake. But Emmett won him over, like he did with everyone. So far, my dad was being more cordial with Edward than Emmett.

I took my time getting ready. Since I had the house to myself for most of the day, I wasn't in a hurry. After eating breakfast, I decided to do some cleaning. Old habits die hard. I threw a load of laundry in the washing machine, scrubbed the bathrooms, and mopped the floors. When that was done, I took a peek in my dad's freezer. He actually had the ingredients for a few meals so I decided to make a couple dishes that he could reheat for later. I had just finished eating a sandwich for lunch and was wrapping the meals I'd made in foil when I heard the stomping of boots on the front porch and male laughter. The door opened and in came the soggiest, drippingest mess of two men I'd ever seen.

I knew my mouth was gaping. "Hey! I just scrubbed those floors!"

"Hnnn," Charlie grunted with a slight smile.

"Sorry, Bella," Edward said, not really sounding all that sorry.

I put my hands on my hips. "What happened to you two?"

"Oh, it's coming down in buckets out there," Edward said as he helped Charlie put the catch into the sink.

I looked out the kitchen window to see that the light sprinkling of rain that had started off the morning was gone and the sun was burning through the marine layer. When I looked back at the guys they were both biting back grins and I knew I wasn't going to get the straight story. At least not at that moment.

"Okay," I said, conceding to their clear wish to keep a little secret.

"Smells good in here, Bells. You been cookin'?"

"I just made a couple things for you to eat this week if you get desperate," I said, placing the Chicken Divan on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. "How's Harry?"

"He couldn't make it."

I looked over and saw Charlie focusing intently on cleaning the fish and avoiding my gaze. When I realized he'd never even invited Harry, I laughed. He really _had_ set out to grill my boyfriend.

While the guys cleaned up, I made them sandwiches. Edward came downstairs first and pulled me into a smoldering embrace, his hands running up and down my back while he kissed me.

"Good to see you too," I whispered.

There was a brightness in his eyes. "I missed you."

I was glad he was back. But it thrilled me to no end that he and my dad seemed to be getting along amazingly. "Was he too hard on you?"

He smiled. "Nahh, not bad. Frankly, he should've been harder on the man who has intentions toward his daughter," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

"Intentions? What kind of intentions?"

"More than I can say right now," he said in a low whisper.

It would have seemed like a mere lusty pick-up line if there hadn't been so much love beaming in his eyes. I reached up and kissed him again. "So what really _did_ happen to you guys? Don't even say it was the rain because there's barely been any today."

His smile dropped and he shrugged. "It wasn't a big deal."

I frowned, a little concern seeping into my mind. "What wasn't?"

He took a deep breath and let it out. "Your dad was casting out a line. His foot got a little tangled in a rope and…he uh, sort of fell out of the boat."

My jaw dropped. Charlie never made rookie mistakes like that. "He sort of _fell out of the boat_?"

"Yeah. And uh, I pulled him in."

"And that was it?"

He shrugged. "Well, I actually dove in after him."

"What?"

"It wasn't that big of a deal, Bella. His feet had gotten tangled, I just helped him out a little," he spoke soothingly. "I_ am_ a trained rescuer, you know," he said with a smirk.

That did not sound like Charlie _at all_. Had he been showing off?

"Don't embarrass him, okay?"

I looked up at Edward and my heart warmed. How sweet that he was trying to protect my dad's feelings.

Charlie came down the stairs then and I moved over to put the guys' sandwiches on the table.

I sat with a glass of milk while they ate, laughing and bragging about their catch before moving onto talks of how the Mariners had done that season. I felt warm and full. Suddenly a strange vision danced across my mind. Summer family barbecues, camping trips, and fishing expeditions. Kids running in and out of the house with muddy feet and scraped knees. Deep love and affection binding us all together. It was premature, I knew. But I could see it so easily. It took no effort at all. Edward fit in my life. And I wanted him there: where he belonged, where _we_ belonged.

As we loaded up the car to head back to Port Angeles. My dad pulled me aside. "That boy's a keeper, kiddo." I swallowed the lump in my throat as he kissed me on the cheek. It was the highest endorsement Charlie would give.

* * *

><p><strong>I was completely review reply fail this time around. I'm just having a hard time having enough time to get it all done. Ugh. I am always driven to get the chapter written and then when I have such a fast beta and pre-reader I feel like you'd rather have the chapter than a teaser, yes? I'm sorry about that. Please know that I read and appreciate every single review more than you know. How cool is it that this little story passed the 1,000 review mark? I legit squealed when I saw that. Thank you to MelissaCullen for the 1,000th review! <strong>

**So... I'm one that likes to know when a story is starting to wind down. I'm guessing that we have about 6 to 8 chapters left to go. Hang in there; we're getting there, folks!**

**So this time, I don't want to promise something that I may not be able to deliver. I do love to read your reviews, they really encourage me and help me to know how you're feeling about the story. I will say that I will TRY to get replies with teasers out to all reviewers if you want one! Let me know if you do!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superbly fast beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**Thank you also to jandco for her help with one little section. :) I appreciate your thoughts!**

**It's been much too long, so let's get on with it. More notes at the bottom. :) **

* * *

><p>My back hit the aged leather of my truck's bench seat and tension coiled in my belly as he climbed over top. We were supposed to be going to a movie but we didn't make it that far. His hair tickled beneath my ear as he dipped down to my neck, laying tender kisses there. His cold lips and hot tongue left a tingly trail of ice and fire as he nibbled on my collar bone. I groaned and tugged his face back to mine, kissing him as if by the sheer effort, I could engrave him with my love.<p>

His hands were everywhere but where I wanted them most. They ran down my arms, up my neck, into my hair. He ran his palm along the front of my jacket and fingered the buttons. He seemed to read my mind as he pulled my jacket from my shoulders and tugged it out from under me before discarding his own. Whispery breaths fogged around us in the cold night air and I rose up to kiss his neck as he removed his sweater, tossing it aside to tangle with the gearshift.

His weight settled over me again, deliciously grounding me to reality, _our_ reality. Keeping me pinned to the earth. We tugged and sighed. We hummed and writhed. My legs settled apart as he found his place between them. His fingers skimmed my sides and I pulled my knees up as my muscles tightened. His cool hands sought warmth under my sweater and my head fell back as he spread them flat against my abdomen, his fingers tensing against my heated flesh. My eyes rolled back as his kisses fell lower. And lower. And _lower_…till his tongue ran along the edge of my bra, leaving a wake of tingles.

My eyes went fuzzy as I looked up at the condensation on the night-blackened window and he groaned against my chest. I could feel the vibrations all throughout my body.

"Oh, Bella," he groaned and I threaded my fingers through his hair. I felt the tip of his nose drag back up and along the column of my neck before he was kissing me again with abandon. I ran my hands along his back which was clothed only in a thin t-shirt. When I reached the waist of his jeans, I slowly felt the contours of his butt, pulling him tight. He grunted and a shudder ran through his body before his lips slowed.

He started to sit up but I followed, straddling his lap, my skirt riding up as the back of his head hit the passenger side window.

"Gently," he whispered and I giggled. "I don't know," he breathed and I moved against him.

"I do," I said into his ear with forced confidence, before lifting my shirt over my head and tossing it behind me.

His arms wrapped around me tightly and he placed a searing kiss on my mouth before dropping his face against my breasts and groaning. The windows were fogged over as the rain came down outside. My hips rocked against him, satisfying my desire for solid friction.

I took his hands and placed them on my thighs, gliding them up, closer to where I wanted them.

He sucked on the swell of my breast and I felt the sting of blood rushing to the surface. I knew there would be a mark and I moaned my approval as I gripped the back of his neck.

He pulled his face up to mine, his eyes glazed. "Are you sure?" he asked as his thumbs ran along the elastic at my thighs.

"Unn," I groaned as I pressed further into him and kissed him till the last of my mental faculties dissipated and there was nothing but pure desire. I ran my fingers down his chest in between our bodies to grasp the button of his jeans. His breathing was ragged as he pulled his mouth away for just a moment.

"Because I'm not," he panted as he continued to kiss me and his hands continued to tempt and be tempted.

"What?" I asked in my desire-saturated state.

His hands fisted into the sides of my panties. "I'm not sure."

"You seem sure," I panted with a shiver.

"Oh, I'm sure about us," he said before stopping my mouth with a fiery kiss. "I'm sure…that I want this," he practically growled.

"Me too," I whispered, kissing him slowly, and again gripping the button of his jeans.

Suddenly, he removed his hands from under my skirt and grasped my upper arms as he squeezed his eyes shut and breathed roughly. "Bella, we need to talk about this."

_Talk? Oh, please…no._ "Okay," I said, even though my body was far from conceding and we sat panting and trying not to move against each other.

"I do want this…so much," he said with a humorless laugh. "It's unbelievable how much." His eyes met mine with intensity. "But I want you more."

My brows pinched together in confusion. "What? That's what…that's what I want to give you…" I said, my voice trailing off, suddenly shy.

He shook his head and smiled. "No, I mean, I want _you_," he said, placing his hand over my heart. He took a deep breath. "What do you want, Bella?"

There had always been a blazing physical attraction between us. But in the past weeks, our physical relationship raged forward, all but consuming us. I didn't believe in casual sex or even sleeping with everyone you dated. But I believed in us. We loved each other, he had told me I was it for him and I knew he was it for me. I wanted to spend the rest of our lives loving each other and the desire to fully cement our relationship drove me further.

Visions drifted through my mind of sleepy Saturday mornings cuddled up under a warm blanket, years of packing his lunch for work and baking apple pies, of building a snowman in the front yard, and little auburn-haired, freckle-faced kids. I knew that I wanted it all with him but the dreams stuck in my throat.

"Because I know what I want," he said. A determined look entered his eyes and his fingers gripped my shoulders a little tighter. "I want to cherish you and honor you for who you are. I want to make it official in the eyes of God, the law, and everyone we know. I want to commit my life to you by giving you _everything_ before I give you my body. I want to belong to you, to join my _life_ to yours…in _every_ way possible."

I was speechless. I wondered how long he'd been thinking this over, how long he'd felt that way. "Edward," I whispered, in awe.

"Is that so wrong?"

I smiled and shook my head. "No, actually, it's perfect."

His lips stretched across his beautiful face and he looked…exultant. He kissed me so soft and sweet and joy flooded my being, filling up every last crack and crevice till I thought I might burst with his love.

"Besides," he said with a laugh. "If there is any way possible, Emmett would move heaven and earth to come back and kill me if I did what I _really_ want to do right now."

My cheeks flushed and I laughed, dropping my eyes.

"I don't know, I might be declaring myself too soon. But I want to marry you," he said seriously. "I want you for life."

I swallowed thickly. "Is that a proposal?"

He smiled gently. "It's a statement of intention. I _intend_ to marry you, Bella. And then we'll have a lifetime for…this," he said, rubbing his hands up my arms and around my back till he pulled me flush against him. "He waited for you. So will I." Edward whispered before kissing me breathless.

"Then you've got to stop driving me crazy," I said, pulling away.

His cheeks dimpled. "Am I driving you crazy, Miss Swan?"

"You know you are."

"Hmm," he mused. "Well, then you'll just have to marry me sooner."

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"Okay, everyone, settle down. I have an announcement to make," Jake said at youth group the week before Thanksgiving.

The chattering of students slowly died down and Jake smiled. "Since we're having an unexpected break in the winter weather, we're going to take advantage of it," he said, rubbing his hands together. "Saturday morning, we will be loading into the vans and going on a mystery road trip!"

All the youth staffers knew that we would be going to Deception Pass and we'd spent the last couple days contacting parents to let them know where we'd be going so they didn't have to worry about their kids.

At the kids' puzzled expressions, Jacob continued. "Basically, I will give you a permission slip and a list of things to bring and you will show up ready to go, but you will not know where we are going till we get there. We will be returning late Saturday night and that is all you will know." His grin was a mile wide. He loved surprises.

Edward, however, was not so happy. He sat next to me with his arms folded and a slight scowl on his face. He had missed the youth staff planning meeting where it was decided to do this trip and when he'd found out about it, he wasn't so happy.

"_It's dangerous. Do you have any idea how many people have wrecked boats, been carried off by the currents, and drowned there?"_

"_It's okay, Edward. We're not going swimming, we're not going boating. We're just going to be hiking and enjoying the scenery."_

He hadn't been convinced. He was even more unsettled that he wouldn't be able to come since he had to work that night and he'd repeatedly made me promise to be careful.

At Jake's announcement, there were murmurs of excitement along with sounds of annoyance from those who thought they were _too good_ for the "childish" thrills of church youth group events.

Jessica sat next to me, eyes down. Beside her was Eric. The two of them had formed an unlikely friendship: the shy computer guy and the discarded pregnant cheerleader. Eric had even seemed to grow in his self confidence as he acted as a sort of protector for Jessica against Mike's general jackassery. I was glad to see their bond. I'd felt badly for Eric when his crush on Angela went unrequited. And Jessica had lost all her friends over the last few months. They were both good kids, they just needed a little grace and someone to believe in them. As the evening wound down and Jacob said the closing prayer, Edward squeezed my shoulder, warming me with his love.

It was nice to feel content and even happy. One of the things I loved about our relationship was that it wasn't just about us. We worked together to make a difference and it felt like we had a greater purpose.

When Edward dropped me off at my house that night, I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

"I'll pick you up on Sunday morning. I'm so excited for you to meet my parents," he said with a smile.

"I am too," I said genuinely.

He was quiet for a moment, just looking into my eyes. "Do you want to see Emmett's parents while we're there?"

I took a deep breath. "Yeah. I do. I mean, I think I _should_. And it would be good to see them, too."

He smiled with sadness in his eyes. "I'll give you space for that."

I could see his insecurity and his pain. I wanted to erase it; there was nothing for him to fear. I touched his face. "Edward, I love you," I said as my thumb ran across his stubbled cheek. "I don't just love you because he's gone and you're my second choice. I would never do that to you. I wouldn't settle. You _are_ my choice. I would be proud for them to know that I'm with you."

His eyes crinkled at the corners and misted over. If I'd had any further doubts, his kiss would have melted them away.

He pulled back with hooded eyes and rested his palm against my chest, before whispering, "Keep my heart safe."

This was right. He was mine and I was his. I wanted him. For life.

TOML ~ TOML ~TOML

Since Edward was working Friday night, I sat down on the couch, phone in hand, trying to dispel the nerves and just call Emmett's parents. I hadn't spoken with them in a very long time, since before I'd met Edward. We'd had a very good relationship but after Emmett died, our communication was minimal. I knew they loved me and they knew I loved them but it had been too painful for all of us to talk. So we'd written occasional letters but that had been it. I did want to see them while we were in Chicago and I thought they'd be happy that Edward and I were together. But I also knew that it would bring up a lot of emotions for them. Edward's parents had agreed not to tell the McCartys about our relationship. I wanted it to come from me and I didn't want to just show up on their doorstep. _"Hi, I just popped in for a visit. Oh, by the way, I'm dating and will likely marry Emmett's best friend. Hope you have a good day!" _So there I sat, dialing the familiar number, my heart pounding, palms sweating.

_What would I call them? Mom and Dad? Mr. and Mrs. McCarty? Patrick and Kathleen?_

But as soon as I heard her warm tones on the other line, my heart clenched, my eyes watered, and my trembly voice reverted to what I'd always called her.

"Hi, Mom."

There were a few moments of silence before she replied. "Bella?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Oh, sweetheart, how are you?" she asked. I could hear her smile through the phone and it instantly soothed my anxiety.

"I'm good, I'm good. How are you and Dad doing?"

"Oh, we're doing well. I've just been working on the school's Christmas musical and he's been busy at the Fire House." Emmett had long been passionate about rescue, growing up with a Fire Chief for a father.

"That's great, that's really…great."

"Is everything okay, dear?"

I cleared my throat. "Yes, actually, everything is…just wonderful. I'm coming for a visit…to Chicago for Thanksgiving."

"You are? Oh, I hope you will come see us, we do miss you so," she gushed.

I smiled and chewed the inside of my lip. "Of course, I will," I said.

"Oh wonderful," she sighed, then paused. "Anything new with you?"

I cleared my throat. "Actually, yeah, there is. I'm seeing someone."

She was quiet. "Is he good to you?"

"He's too good to me, Mom. He's…actually, you know him."

"Oh?"

"It's Edward Masen," I said, refusing to let my voice quaver.

She was quiet for a moment but quickly pulled herself together. "Wow, that's really something. I…Edward was always such a sweet boy. I haven't gotten to see him in years but…that's just wonderful, Bella," she said softly. "Are you happy?"

Tears filled my eyes and I bit my lip to keep it from trembling. "Very happy."

"I'm so glad, sweetie. So glad. Emmett would be happy."

We shared a moment of meaningful silence and I could hear her sniffling. "Bella, Patrick and I both love you and want what's best for you. If you're happy, then we are too. Please give Edward our love and tell him we can't wait to see you both."

"Thank you, Mom," I choked with joyful tears.

I would walk in there with my head held high. They would know that I was happy. That I loved and was loved. And they would know that I would always love their son and that, together, Edward and I would have a happy life and we'd always carry Emmett in our hearts.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"Stay in groups of at least three people. Do not go off on your own. There are hiking trails and beaches and, of course, the bridge that you can check out. Stay away from the cliffs, don't be obnoxious, make sure someone in your group has a cell phone, and don't leave food out; you don't want to encourage bears or anything. But other than that, have fun," Jacob called out to everyone as kids filtered out in different directions, excited to check out the area.

"Think you covered everything there, boss?" Rose asked with a wry smile as she walked over some craggy rocks, passing him up to join a few of the kids headed to the beach.

Jake's nostrils flared and I suppressed a giggle. Rose had started joining the group on occasion, especially when extra supervision was needed. It would not be an understatement to say that their relationship was volatile. They seemed to thrive on irritating each other and Rose always managed to one-up Jacob. Of course, this only spurred him on further. But their irritation seemed to be laced with just a pique of interest that occasionally made me speculate.

I headed toward the bridge with a group of kids. It was actually two bridges, the large one spanning Deception Pass and the small one crossing Canoe Pass, joined in the middle on a tiny island. I always loved the view from way up high. Looking down on the swirling currents, eddies, and whirlpools was a rush. But I didn't like to get too close. The plaque on the side of the lookout point said that at its peak, two million cubic feet of water flowed through Deception Pass per second and the currents went every which way, sometimes clashing violently, causing extreme turbulence. The water through Canoe Pass was even faster. I knew people who'd kayaked through the turbid waters; the mere thought of it nauseated me.

Nevertheless, the time at the park was full of fun and laughter. As our group hung out at the bridge, other groups of kids and staffers came and went, exploring different parts of the park. The November air was frigid but the rare winter sun warmed our wind burned cheeks. Eric took lots of pictures for Jessica, who had decided not to go. Ben and Angela held hands as they walked across the bridge and back. And I looked out toward the west where the waning sun relaxed into the rising clouds and thought about Edward.

With every passing day my feelings for him grew. Our attraction was sizzling and, though I felt that the sexual tension might slowly stretch me till I snapped, I couldn't help but respect and agree with his desire to wait, just as I'd done with Emmett. My cheeks flamed as I stood in the cold. I laughed at how I had somehow ended up with two guys who _both_ wanted to wait for marriage to make love when, if I was completely honest, in my humanity, I likely would have been swayed against my ideal by a more eager man. I really did feel treasured that he wanted to save sex for marriage and I truly believed he was worth the wait. And I respected _him_, so I had to respect his desire.

I looked over to see Ben and Angela walking back and was surprised how long we'd been out on the bridge.

When we returned to the meeting point, it was nearly dark and there were several groups of kids chatting in groups, some sitting on the wooden fence rails around the parking lot, some leaning against the rough bark of tree trunks. I noticed that Mike and another kid were hanging out at the information center, shuffling around. And there seemed to be some kind of added tension between Jake and Rose. Well, more like Jake was tense, most notably when Rose was near.

"Hey," I said, crunching fir needles underfoot. Rose smiled a little too smugly. "What did you do?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing," she said airily.

I narrowed my eyes and studied her face with its flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes. She was up to something. I glanced over at Jacob who was gripping his clipboard a little too hard, checking off the names of everyone as they returned. Every once and a while he'd send a heated glare in Rose's direction. "Is there…something going on between you two?"

Rose looked up from her examination of her nails before casting an almost reproving glance. "Bella. Please. Don't be silly." Then she walked off blithely toward the vans.

It wasn't a no.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

By the time I got back home that night, a storm was in full force. It had blown in unexpectedly just as we were pulling out of the park and we had been thankful that it held off as long as it did. Thunder rumbled in the distance as I walked into the house and checked my phone, realizing I'd missed a text from Edward.

_I wish I was with you._

And then another.

_Is it too late to change those tickets from Chicago to Las Vegas? You're all I can think about._

And another.

_I can't wait till you're mine._

I swallowed the lump in my throat as my stomach clenched. Truthfully, if he asked me to fly to Vegas with him…I didn't think I'd say no.

To take my mind off of Edward and his effect on me, I busied myself with making sure my suitcases were completely packed and ready.

When I went to bed that night, it was with desire and anticipation thrumming in my veins.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"Bella!" I could hear him calling me. He sounded desperate and wracked with fear.

I turned my head, trying to see him, but he must have been just out of my line of sight. My limbs felt heavy and my reflexes sluggish.

"Bella, baby, where are you?"

"I'm here!" I called, but my strangled voice was barely a gurgle under the heavy, heavy, blackness.

I could feel his terror. His anguish. It wrapped around me like a lead blanket, weighing me down; it swirled and entangled, like seaweed, defeating me. I felt trapped, stuck. I had to get to him.

"Please." His voice a choked whisper.

I thrashed against my bindings. I arched and kicked.

"Edward!" I screamed as I bolted upright in bed, sweat beading on my face, my sheets and blankets twisted and tangled around me, pillows on the floor.

My heart was racing as my eyes darted around the room. It was so real. But he wasn't there. I knew it wasn't real, but my body coursed with adrenaline.

"It was just a dream. Just a dream," I panted as I fell back on the bed. _A dark, confusing, and disturbing dream._

I breathed deeply, trying to settle my pounding heart and still my trembling body.

I listened to the wind whip through the trees and rain patter on the window and wished that Edward's arms were around me.

Just as I was drifting back to sleep, I heard a knocking. It was so quiet; I thought perhaps the wind had toppled something on the porch. As I waited, my heavy eyes began to close. But there it was again. The knocking was louder this time.

It couldn't be Edward. He wasn't supposed to come get me for…another two hours, I thought as I looked at the clock, the earliest light of dawn filtering through my curtains. I laughed to myself, wondering if he really was that eager to see me.

I clumsily swung myself out of bed and fumbled through the room.

"Ahh!" I cried as I nearly fell, my toe catching the wheel of my suitcase. As I righted myself, I winced and my toe throbbed.

"There had better be a good reason, Edward," I muttered as I reached the bottom of the stairs, feeling for the light switch.

I peered out the window and saw a flash of brass. I cleared my bleary eyes and looked to see, not Edward, but another man standing on my front porch.

As my brain registered the sight before me, I broke into a cold sweat. Ice crackled through my veins and I shook my head.

Standing on the other side of my door, with sad, tired eyes, was Carlisle Cullen.

Full uniform. Bible tucked under his arm.

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><p><strong>You guys are amazing. Your response to the last chapter was awesome, even without the promise of teasers. :) I read and appreciated every review and I really can't tell you how much they mean to me. I love to hear how this story is impacting you and what you think!<strong>

**So... Cliffie. I am going to try and get the next chapter out much more quickly so you don't have to wait too long. But feel free to yell at me or whatever you need to do.**

**I love you guys. xoxo**


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters. I also do not own the Peninsula Daily News.**

**Omigosh, radar and LJ were superdy-duper fast! Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superb beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

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><p>Growing up, I had always idealized all the old homes around Port Angeles with widow's walks on the roofs to be so romantic.<p>

How _charming_, I thought naively.

But facing that reality was a different thing altogether.

Now? They held so much more. Now I _knew_ what those women went through. As they wrung their hands and paced. As they wept and prayed. Pleading. Tearing at their hair. Wanting to sleep if only to escape the terror for just a bit but unable to even sit still for a moment.

Now I knew all too well. The dread. The wracking anxiety. The jittery despair.

And when Carlisle showed up at my door, not for the first time, but the _second_… Those feelings flooded back with a two-fold vengeance.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

The wind blustered through the open door, but I didn't feel it. The rain was a chorus of pittery patters, but it was drowned out by the roaring in my ears.

Carlisle was talking, but it wasn't making sense. A litany of _No, no, no_ was on a screaming repeat in my mind.

I shook my head. This couldn't be happening. Maybe if I went back to bed, the nightmare would go away and in a couple of hours Edward would come pick me up to go to the airport.

But Carlisle stepped inside, shut the door behind him and grasped my arms, looking tenderly into my eyes. "Bella," he said. "Are you hearing me?"

I looked into his weary face and he sighed, guiding me over to the couch, flipping on lights as we went.

He sat next to me, turning his body to face me and taking my hands in his. "Bella," he said, then waited till I met his eyes. "His helicopter went down in Canoe Pass in a rescue attempt. All the men were rescued except him. He's missing…but we hope for the best."

As his words sunk in, I found my voice. "The best," I repeated, my fear giving way to anger. "What would that be? I mean, who could survive a storm out there? The currents and the rocks and the frigid temperatures?"

He shook his head minutely. "We just don't know. He's a strong swimmer, he's smart, if anyone can do it…he's well equipped."

"How long has he been out there?" I demanded.

His eyes dropped. "Since a little after six o'clock last night."

I dropped my elbows to my knees and buried my face in my hands. I felt Carlisle's warm hand settle on my shoulder.

"We're still searching. They're not giving up, Bella."

I forced myself to take deep breaths: in through the nose, out through the mouth. "What about the people who made the distress call?"

He sighed. "We didn't find any trace of them."

We sat quietly for a while. There was nothing to say. I'd been through this before. Only that time, there had been no hope. This time, I had to hope. I could not accept anything else. He had to be fine.

When Carlisle left, it was with much regret but he had to get back to help with the search effort. He offered to call someone for me, but I refused. After a long deep breath he had pulled me into a hug and I gingerly rested my cheek against his medaled chest, counting the stripes on his pins.

I sat back on the couch, my unfocused eyes staring at the blurred carpet. I felt dizzy as I curled around a pillow and fell to my side.

_He's okay. He's going to be okay. _

"Yeah," I said aloud to the empty room. "Yeah, he's fine." I nodded my head as my pulse raced and I reached for the remote.

"Fine," I murmured.

I flipped on the TV to occupy my brain while I waited for Carlisle to call and let me know that they'd found him safe and sound.

_The Goonies_ was on and I felt the corner of my mouth raise tentatively. My stomach roiled as I watched, wishing Edward was there enjoying it with me.

As Chunk's hand was being stuffed into a blender, his hysterical snot-sobs echoing through the speakers, I started trembling. I wrapped my arms around my knees and rocked quickly back and forth, unable to stay still.

He had to be all right. _God, please let him be all right. He can't _not_ be._

I jumped up and ran to get my phone, bringing it back and sitting it on the table, staring at it while _The Goonies_ still played. I picked it up again and pressed a button to make sure it was on and that the volume was turned up.

My feet pressed into the floor and my hands balled into fists under my legs.

I didn't know how long I sat like that, staring at my phone, occasionally pressing a button to make sure it hadn't somehow turned itself off. But suddenly Rose was walking through my front door, a look of concern on her face as she came over to sit next to me.

"I heard."

It was all she said. She held my hand and we sat watching the movie together.

At one point, a phone rang and I jumped only to realize it was hers and I choked back a sob, my tight chest forcing the cries back into my belly.

"Yeah, I'm here with her," she said softly into the phone. "Okay. Yeah, okay. I'll tell her."

My eyes shot to hers but she was looking down.

"You, too."

"What?" I asked as she ended the call.

"The regular service at church has been canceled and they're having a prayer service instead."

My heart fell. I had somehow hoped that it would be news. "Oh."

When the credits rolled and I didn't move, Rose got up. "Come on, B. Let's get you ready for church."

"What? No, I have to stay here and wait for Carlisle's call."

She took my arm and gently pulled me to my feet. "You can take your phone with you. If there's ever a time for prayer, it's now."

I wanted to argue. I wanted to shrivel into a ball of agitation and terror. I wanted to be on a plane for Chicago to meet Edward's parents and have Thanksgiving. But I didn't have the strength to fight, so I let her take me upstairs.

Surprisingly, I was ready in no time as I threw on my clothes and laced up my tennis shoes, my mind working to block out all the horrific possibilities.

The phone rang just as we were about to walk out the door and my hands fumbled frantically in my hoodie's pocket to grab it. I didn't even look to see who it was as I breathlessly answered.

"Ms. Swan?" a woman's voice said.

"Yes?"

"This is Kate Walters with the _Peninsula Daily News_. I just have some questions for you. I understand you are in a relationship with the missing Coast Guard officer, Edward Masen?"

My mouth hung open as I processed her abrupt greeting and question. "I…"

"I understand this must be a difficult time, Ms. Swan, but when was the last time you saw Officer Masen?"

I should have hung up. But I was so taken off guard that I simply answered her question. "Uhh…Friday?"

"And did he seem well to you? Any indication of trouble?"

"What? No. He was fine. What are you insinuating?" I asked, gaining courage as my anger flamed.

"Who is that?" Rose demanded from the front porch.

The woman kept going. "What is your response to the reports that the distress call the officers were responding to might have been a prank?"

_A prank?_ My thoughts took an acidic turn. "I…don't know. I don't have a response," I ground out.

"Give me that." Rose snatched the phone from my ear. "Hello? Excuse me, no. Ms. Swan has no comment." Then she hung it up and shoved it back in my pocket as I felt tears spring to my eyes.

When we arrived at the church, her strong arm wrapped around my shoulders and supported me. Jacob stood at the pulpit, relaying the story of the rescue attempt and a little information about Edward. He paused as he saw us sit down before he led the congregation in a prayer asking for Edward's safety and quick return.

I couldn't focus on his words. I didn't even know how to pray. There were so many emotions bubbling up. I couldn't believe I was doing this. _Again_. I couldn't believe it was happening.

After Jacob finished, he instructed the congregation to remain in prayer for Edward. People were encouraged that if they felt lead, they could approach the microphone and offer a prayer or a scripture verse. And then the worship team began to play soft music.

I fought the despair and the sense of impending tragedy. I clung to the belief that Edward was alive. That he was okay and would be found and we would be okay. We would be just fine.

But the fear trickled in just the same. After all, I'd walked that road before. So the grief came. The silent tears that dripped on my clasped hands.

The bargaining. _ I'll do anything._

The accusations. _How could you do this to me?_

And finally, the quiet pleas.

_Please. Please, God. Bring him back to me._

But through it all, I realized that I'd gotten through this before. It wasn't what I would have chosen, but I was a stronger person for it.

I also knew that I didn't _want_ to be any stronger. Not if it meant losing Edward.

Suddenly and inexplicably, a sense of calm enveloped my spirit. Somehow I knew that God was asking me to trust him. He'd never given any guarantees except that his strength was enough for me.

Images flashed across my mind. Rose, Jasper, Sue…Edward. He'd given me friendships I needed _when_ I needed them. He'd put the right people in my path with the right words to say.

Rose's arm tightened around my shoulders and I looked up at the cross on the wall behind the pulpit. And even though it was terrifying, I made the decision to trust. After all, it was the only thing I _could_ do. Edward's fate was not in my hands. And one thing I knew was that no matter what happened, I would not be destroyed.

Several people had come and gone from the microphone, all with words of encouragement or a scripture or prayer. I hadn't paid much attention, as I'd been agonizing in my own mind. But when a familiar watery voice quavered into the microphone, I raised my head and a lump formed in my throat.

"I have a verse to share." Jessica stood on the stage, clutching the fabric of the dress that skimmed over her slight belly in one hand, and a small Bible in the other. Her feet shifted from side to side as she looked directly into my eyes and my breath caught. "Isaiah 41:10." Her voice cracked. "So do not fear, for I am with you," she read in a small voice. "Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

More tears streamed down my face as she smiled at me. This girl who'd been so crushed, so broken, the one whom I'd comforted, was now comforting me. Knowing what she'd been through and _would _go through, and yet she pressed on, strengthened me. She was so brave. I had to be brave, too. I returned her smile, my throat aching, when I felt my phone vibrate in my clutched hands. I answered quickly as the music started up again.

"Bella, where are you?" Carlisle asked urgently.

"I'm at church; what's happened?"

"We found him. He's en route to the U-Dub Medical Center. I'm coming to get you and we're going to the hospital."

My chest heaved as Rose watched me with wide eyes and I clumsily grabbed for my purse. "They found him," I breathed. She followed behind as I stumbled toward the back of the church. When Rose and I burst out the back door, I asked what I really wanted to know. "Is he okay?"

"He's being taken care of. I'll tell you more when I get there."

I shoved the phone back in my pocket and stood in the drizzle, my heart pounding as I fidgeted. "They're taking him to U-Dub."

Rose pulled me into a strong hug. "Is he okay?"

"I don't know, I think so, I don't know. He didn't say, just that they're taking care of him."

After a moment, Carlisle's car swung into the parking lot and screeched to a halt in front of us. He must have been close by.

As I climbed in, Rose said, "Give me a call!"

I nodded quickly and saw Jake come running out of the church as Carlisle put the car in drive. We pulled away and I looked in the mirror to see Jacob put his hand on Rose's arm as she turned to talk to him.

Carlisle's eyes were still tired but they were brighter as he dove into telling me what he knew. "He was found on Kiket Island by a tribal tour guide. He had sheltered himself under a large piece of driftwood but by the time he was found, he was unconscious."

I listened anxiously as Carlisle maneuvered through town and got on the highway. My hands shook and I bit the inside of my cheek. "Did he have any injuries?"

"Nothing significant that could be seen. The reports indicate that he likely has hypothermia. But he is breathing, his heart rate is steady and he's going to have the best care available at U-Dub."

My heart was in my throat as we sped toward my love.

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><p><strong>U-Dub = University of Washington. UW (Dub). You will almost never hear a local Washingtonian call it "UW" and "University of Washington" is mostly used in formal settings. In conversation, it's nearly always "U-Dub."<strong>

**Slightly bett****er than last time?**

**Thank you so much for every review and recc. I am so honored that you'd take the time to let me know what you think and tell others about this story. :) I read and appreciate every review and I really can't tell you how much they mean to me. I love to hear how this story is impacting you and what you think!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters. I also do not own the Peninsula Daily News.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superb beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**Dear Readers,**

**Thank you so much for your patience with me over these months (busy summer w/kids, new job, etc.) I am happy to announce that I have completed writing _Semper Paratus_ with the exception of minor editing. I will now be posting the remaining few chapters every day or two until it is completely posted. If you need a recap, I will put a quick one below the break. xoxo**

**~RG**

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><p><em>When we last left the story, Edward and Bella had been planning to fly to Chicago to visit his parents for Thanksgiving. But he went missing in a helicopter crash, attempting a rescue in Canoe Pass, which is part of the Deception Pass area where Bella had gone with the youth group earlier that day. Bella is terrified, in shock, etc. And she can't believe that she is going through this yet again with another man. Rose comes along as a great support to her and they attend the prayer vigil for Edward held at the church where friends encourage her with scripture, including Jessica. At the end of the last chapter, Carlisle calls Bella to tell her that Edward has been found and he comes to pick her up from the church to take her to the hospital in Seattle.<em>

It's funny how the faster you want time to go, the slower it crawls.

After Carlisle picked me up at the church, it was a struggle not to jump out of my skin in anticipation.

Every bridge, every stoplight, every eternal expanse of trees was an exercise in faith. The ferry from Kingston to Edmonds chugged sluggishly across Puget Sound. Bow to stern, I paced, unable to sit still in the car. When the interior of the boat proved too sedate for my racing thoughts, I sought the thrill of the rushing wind on the deck. The frothing wake entranced my mind into a veneer of calm as I huddled against the green railing. I stayed there for the majority of the trip, praying for Edward. _Please let him be all right. _

The blow of the horn, signaling our arrival in Edmonds, had me nearly running through indoor seating areas, bursting through heavy doors, and tripping down echoing staircases to the car deck below.

Carlisle stood quietly next to the door of his car as I jumped in. We sat waiting for the domino effect of engines to turn on as we docked and line by line of cars disembarked. Carlisle took a couple of calls about Edward that revealed nothing except that there was no new information.

My heel tapped as we endured the dawdling progress into Seattle to the University of Washington Medical Center.

Upon arrival at the Emergency Room, Carlisle spoke with the clerk at the window and we were instructed to wait.

So we did.

For over an hour we sat in uncomfortable chairs while a television droned in the background. All types of people filled the waiting room: some in wheelchairs, some pacing, some bent over in distress, some with bewildered expressions, and some resting on a shoulder beside them. Mothers consoled screaming babies and young kids raced through rows of chairs. People came and people went. And the rhythmic tick of the clock punctuated the beat of my heart as I waited. Every time the swinging door opened, my head swiveled to see who would come out and who would be next.

It seemed like ages before Carlisle and I were finally called by a man in a white coat.

"Edward is stable, but he has been through quite a bit of trauma. When he arrived, he was profoundly hypothermic and aggressive warming measures had to be taken. It's a wonder that he didn't suffer cardiac arrest but he's not out of the woods yet." I tried to follow the rest of what the doctor was telling us but my breathing stopped and the room began to swirl.

Words assaulted my brain. Bretylium, ventricular fibrillation, endotracheal intubation, vascular catheters, thoracic lavage. But they were a jumble and I just wanted to know that my Edward would be okay.

Carlisle placed his arm around my shoulder and I took a deep breath.

"He's still unconscious and he's being moved to the Intensive Care Unit where his respiration and cardiac functions will be monitored," the doctor continued. "You can wait there if you'd like. If he remains stable, and with the ICU doctors' authorization, you will be able to see him."

Though, I knew we would still have to wait for some time, I nearly ran through the halls to get to the ICU. Carlisle kept up my pace and helped me navigate the maze of wings and departments.

Compared to the waiting area at the Emergency Room, the one for the ICU was small and sedate. There were a couple families there when we arrived, waiting to see their loved ones but they were quiet as they waited. A coffee bar was set up against the wall and Carlisle brought me a cup as he sipped his own. Magazines, books, and Bibles sat on tables and on bookshelves around the room.

Eternity piled upon eternity as the minutes and hours ticked by. After a few hours, Carlisle and I were the only ones left waiting. Every set of squeaking shoes walking down the hallway held my rapt attention.

Finally, a man in scrubs turned the corner. "For Edward Masen?"

I scrambled out of my chair. "Yes."

"He's still asleep, but if you'd like to come see him, you can," he said with a gentle smile.

I nodded, my chest tightening.

"I'll wait out here for you," Carlisle said, kissing me on the forehead.

We walked down the hall and the man entered his code into a pin-pad on the wall, opening the large double doors that led into the Intensive Care Unit. There were beeping sounds coming from all around. Carts of medicines and hygiene and medical supplies sat in various stages of use. I immediately began searching for Edward even though there were many rooms and I couldn't see into many of them. In one room, an older woman wept over a man's bed. In another, children held balloons for a patient. I continued following the nurse as he led me around a large nurses' station in the center of the unit and through the door into Edward's room.

My stomach dropped when I saw him lying in the bed, looking haggard. He was mostly covered in blankets but I could see the IV trailing from his hand under the blanket.

As I approached his bed, I saw a large angry gash that had been stitched up just along his hairline. His chapped lips were split and little cuts littered the surface of his face. I reached out and gently ran my fingers down his cheek. He was there. He was alive.

The nurse picked up a clipboard and recorded numbers from the monitor above Edward's bed. "He'll probably sleep for a while. He's been through a lot and his body needs to recuperate," he said with a smile. Then he squeezed my shoulder and left the room.

I gingerly took Edward's scraped hand in mine, staring at him for a few moments. His breathing was shallow but he was breathing on his own, with only an oxygen tube under his nose. And his color was good, with rosy cheeks.

_Thank you, Lord. Thank you, thank you, thank you._

I couldn't believe I'd almost lost him. I bent over and very softly pressed my lips to his. When I tasted the salt of my tears, I straightened back up and dabbed them from his face.

I sat with him, just holding his hand in mine and occasionally kissing him. But mostly I prayed. I prayed for his full recovery. I prayed for our life together. I prayed for our future. I prayed for children. I prayed for love. And through it all, I couldn't stop thanking God for sparing him.

Every few minutes, my prayers were interrupted by the buzz of the blood pressure cuff automatically constricting and recording his vital signs. Nurses and doctors came in to check on him every so often, giving me kind smiles and encouraging words.

It was late when Rose knocked on the door and she, Jake, and Carlisle entered the room. I suddenly felt badly for forgetting that Carlisle was still waiting.

"How's he doing?" Rose asked, her blue eyes wide with concern.

"Okay," I said as I stood to hug the visitors. "They're monitoring his condition. They're really happy that he hasn't suffered rewarming shock or…cardiac arrest." I swallowed the lump in my throat.

She nodded. "I brought you some clothes and things from your house. I figured you might want to stay here." She placed a bag on a chair and turned back to me. "When do they say that he'll wake up?"

I shook my head and wrapped my arms around my body. "They're not sure. They said it could be any time, but he's been through a lot and his body needs the rest."

Carlisle smiled. "I spoke with Edward's parents and they are working on getting a flight out here. They will probably be here tomorrow, though, I'm not sure what time."

"Oh, okay," I breathed.

He stepped over to me and enveloped me in a comforting hug. "I'm going to take off, Bella. You let me know if you need anything," he said. "I mean it. Let me know." He was so gracious, a calm and steady presence. I wondered just how many worried loved ones he'd sat with as they waited for word on their service man or woman.

I said goodbye to Carlisle and Jacob went to go find some coffee, leaving Rose and me alone with Edward.

"So, I guess you missed your flight to Chicago."

I laughed a little. "Yeah, I guess so."

We sat talking for a few minutes as the steady beeping of Edward's machines filled the room. When Jacob returned we sat quietly but comfortably. It didn't escape my notice that they seemed…close.

"Have you eaten anything, Bells?" Jake asked, reaching over and ruffling my hair.

I sighed. "No, but I'm not really hungry." I didn't want to take the chance of missing when Edward woke up if I left for a meal.

Jake and Rose gave me a look of reproval. "You need to eat, B."

"Yeah, go now. You and Rose can go," he said glancing at Rose with soft eyes. "I'll stay with Edward…if you want."

"No, I'm really not that hungry and I want to be here when he wakes up," I argued.

Jacob got to his feet, tossing his coffee cup in the trash. "Look, if you won't _go_, I'll see if a meal can be sent up for you."

I opened my mouth to argue, but he was already gone. I looked over to see Rose smiling after him.

My eyebrows pulled together. "Okay, spill."

Her head snapped around as her eyes met mine. "What?"

"You two are cozy."

She raised an aloof eyebrow and I mirrored the action.

"Are you dating?"

"I don't know that this is the best time – "

"Rosalie," I sighed. "Just tell me."

She let out a breath of air. "Okay, fine. We're not so much dating. But… I… I really like him. And I think he likes me. And he's really pretty great once you get past how obnoxious he is and, Bella, is it too weird? Because if it is, please just say the word and no problem. Girlfriends come first and the two of you used to… Well, just tell me if it's awkward because I won't lose you as a friend and geez, Bella, this is the worst time to talk about this because you have enough to worry about – "

A slow smile crept across my face as she blathered on. Rose never blathered on. She was always confident, always sure. "Rose, stop."

She did.

"Listen. What Jake and I had…well. It just…wasn't. We were best friends, you know? I only want the best for him _and_ for you. And if you two work together…then that's wonderful. Really," I said, not wanting to deprive them of an opportunity at real love as I looked over at Edward.

Her eyes glistened and my own swam with tears. She grasped me in a hug just as Jacob came back in.

"Okay, Bells, they're going to send a meal in for – " He stopped short when he saw us embracing. "Is everything okay?"

We pulled away and swiped at our eyes. "Yes, absolutely," I said.

He looked over to Edward, who was still sound asleep, all of his vital signs stable, then looked back to us. "Okay…well, they're saying that visiting hours are over and only one person can stay."

Rose got to her feet. "I assume you won't leave the hospital?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm staying."

"Okay, then I think we're going to head back…if you're okay?" Rose asked.

"I'm fine, thank you for the clothes."

"Oh, I brought your truck too, just in case. I'll go back with Jacob."

I smiled. They were the best of friends. I was really blessed.

We said goodnight and my heart warmed when Jacob hugged me. He whispered into my ear, "I'm so happy that he's okay, Bells. I'd have to be blind not to see how great you guys are for each other."

After they left, I took my place at Edward's bed. The nurse from earlier stepped in with my dinner and then checked on Edward.

"He's doing really well," he said. "I imagine he'll be waking up at any time. Is there anything else I can get for you?"

"Umm, no. No, thank you."

He smiled, gave me a wink and was out the door.

I brushed the hair off Edward's face and brought his hand to my lips. I felt like my heart would burst with all the love I felt for him and all the excitement for the future. _Thank you, Lord._

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

Sometime later I woke to the feel of someone running their fingers through my hair. "Mmmm," I hummed, snuggling my face further into the blanket. Suddenly I lurched up, realizing where I was.

Edward's tired eyes smiled at me in the dim light of his machines. I half laughed, half sobbed as I jumped up, kissing all over his stubbly cheeks.

"Bella," he rasped.

I ran my fingers through his hair and across his face – remembering the need for caution with his many tubes and trappings – as I pulled back to look into his beautiful eyes.

"You're alive," he said, meeting my cheek with his hand.

"What? Of course, I am, you ridiculous man." I glanced at his sutured forehead and briefly wondered just how much trauma he'd sustained.

He swallowed, his chapped lips pressing together weakly. "You can't scare me like that."

"Shhh," I soothed, shaking my head. If he only knew how much he'd scared me. "I'm right here. And you had quite an ordeal, but you're going to be okay now."

Just then a nurse came in. "Well, look who's back among the land of the living," she said with a smile. "How are you feeling?"

Edward's eyes never left my face. "Perfect," he said, slightly squeezing my hand.

The nurse adjusted his pillow and blankets and poured him a cup of water. She bustled around the room but Edward and I were locked in our own moment.

I never wanted to be apart from him. And I knew I would do anything in my power to keep that from happening.

After the nurse left, Edward ran his fingers up my arm to my elbow and tugged me forward. "You need to be closer."

I leaned against his bed as he continued to pull me till our lips met. My eyes fell closed and I savored him. I knew what it was to love and lose. And I knew what it was to think I'd lost _Edward_. I would never take him for granted.

He ran the back of his fingers down my collar bone. "I thought…" he whispered against my lips. "I couldn't live with myself if I lost you."

"Funny, I was just thinking the same thing," I breathed.

"Lay down with me."

"I don't think the doctor would like that too much."

"Screw him," he said roughly as he pulled on my shirt. "I thought I'd never see you again. You need to be closer."

I giggled a little as I gingerly lay down beside him.

"You're still not close enough," he said before capturing my lips in the sweetest kiss.

"I'm right here." Right where I belonged.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for every review and recc. I am so honored that you'd take the time to let me know what you think and tell others about this story. :) I read and appreciate every review and I really can't tell you how much they mean to me. I love to hear how this story is impacting you and what you think!<strong>

**Next update? I guarantee it will be by Wednesday. Although, it might be tomorrow, shh! Don't tell anyone. ;)**


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters. I also do not own the Peninsula Daily News.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superb beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**You guys are awesome! Thank you for being so kind to me after my too long absence. :) **

**Some of you are going to love this and some of you are going to hate this. Here we go.**

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><p>I woke to a rapping at the door and squinted at the morning light streaming through the window. Sleeping in Edward's hospital bed hadn't been comfortable or restful since I'd woken frequently, nervous about messing up his monitors. In addition to that, the sound of his blood pressure cuff inflating automatically made sleeping difficult.<p>

A doctor entered the room with raised eyebrows upon seeing me curled around Edward and I felt my cheeks heat.

"Well, good morning," he said, smiling. "I'm Dr. Johansen, and who are you?"

I slid quickly out of the bed and ran my fingers over my wrinkled clothes as Edward sleepily rubbed his eyes and looked around. "Uhh, I'm Bella Swan."

His warm, ruddy cheeks balled into a smile as he listened to Edward's heart. "Well, if my patient, here, wasn't doing so well, I might have to scold the two of you."

"Come on, doc," Edward said. "Don't they say touch is healing?"

The doctor chuckled as he helped Edward sit up a little so he could listen to his lungs. After the exam, he wrote a few notes in the chart and slipped the pen back on the clipboard. "Well, we're going to need to keep you for observation a little longer but if you continue to do this well, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to return home as soon as tomorrow morning."

When Dr. Johansen left, Edward settled back in his bed and looked around at his room with all its monitors, dials, and knobs. "Well, I guess we missed our flight," he said, pulling me back on the bed.

"Carlisle said that your parents are coming out here."

"They are?"

I nodded against his chest.

He rubbed his head. "Ah, man. My mom is probably flipping out." He lifted my chin and his eyes focused on me, suddenly serious. "It wasn't you that was in trouble, was it?"

My brow furrowed. "What, from the distress call?"

He nodded once, his green eyes hard.

"No, Edward. We left Deception Pass in the late afternoon."

He exhaled roughly. "I knew you were there and all I could think was, _what if it was you?_" He pulled me to him and circled his arms around me. "Even after the crash…when I was in the water, I couldn't stop looking."

Emotions flooded my heart, relief and love bubbling to the top. "I'm so sorry, I'm okay. It wasn't me."

"Is everyone else okay?" he asked into my hair.

"All the officers are safe... But they haven't recovered any victims." I decided against mentioning the suspicion of prankster involvement at that moment and just held him close.

He sighed deeply, his chest rising and falling under my cheek. "I should call my mom."

"Do you want me to do it?"

He kissed the top of my head. "No, I'm fine."

"Okay, I think I'll go take a walk and see if I can get some coffee."

"You don't have to leave."

I shrugged, standing up again. "It's okay, I could use a walk." I squeezed his hand and walked out the door to give him some space.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"I'm happy to tell you that I'm going to sign your discharge papers and you should be out of here shortly," Dr. Johansen said before patting Edward's shoulder and leaving the room.

I beamed, so full of happiness. Edward squeezed my hand and I could tell he was getting stronger. His color was better and he had more energy this morning.

Not surprisingly, Edward had been very tired and slept most of the previous day. I had napped some as well and, during the times we were both awake, we talked, watched TV, and I even read to him from a book. But I was ready to get home and have this behind us.

The drive home was mostly quiet. When we boarded the ferry, Edward was asleep. I was content to stay on the car deck and watch the rise and fall of his chest, the subtle movement of his pursing lips as he breathed in and out. When he was awake, he seemed pensive, his eyes far away, lost in the miles of woods along the highway. Frequently, he reached over and placed his warm hand on my knee or entwined his long fingers with mine.

On the road, he got a call from his parents saying that after days of being iced in, they were finally able to get a flight out of Chicago. They were hoping to arrive in Seattle late that night where they would rent a car and drive to Port Angeles. I had offered to pick them up but Edward said that since I would be caring for him, they didn't want to bother us while he was recovering.

When we got to my house, I helped Edward up the stairs to my room where I turned back the covers and got him settled in the bed.

He shivered against the cool sheets, and closed his eyes as he mumbled, "I pictured something a bit different for when I finally got into your bed," Warmth filled my cheeks and tingled the back of my neck. Before I could respond, he was asleep.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

While Edward slept, I made some chicken soup and worked on cleaning the house. I didn't know when to expect his parents' arrival but I wanted the house to look its best.

As I was switching some laundry from the washer to the dryer, the phone rang.

"Hey kid, how's Edward?" my dad asked.

"He's good, just really tired." I was surprised to hear the shower turn on upstairs.

Charlie cleared his throat. "To be expected. Listen, Sue wants you all to come for Thanksgiving."

I knew it was coming but with all the excitement, I'd completely forgotten about needing to prepare a meal. "Oh," I sighed. "That would be really great. I just need to check with Edward first. Oh and his parents will be here too, is that okay?"

"Yep. You know how Sue is. There'll be more than enough."

I smiled. "Okay, yeah, I'll let you know."

"Okay. So… Do you need anything?"

"No, I think we're okay. But thank you, and…I love you, Dad."

"Love you too, Bella. Always will."

When I hung up, I felt content and blessed. I waited till I heard the shower turn off then I buttered a piece of bread and ladled some soup into a bowl to take upstairs to Edward.

He was just walking back into the bedroom, wearing the sweats I'd laid out for him as I carried the tray of food into the room. He smiled and I could see the fading dark circles under his eyes.

"Are you going to feed me?"

"If it's helpful," I said, my lips twitching.

He settled down on the bed. "I don't know if I can manage it…in my weakened condition and all."

I laughed. "You're really going to milk this nurse thing for all it's worth, aren't you?" Balancing the tray on the bed, I sat next to him. I dipped the spoon in the steaming liquid and brought it to my mouth to blow gently. Carefully, I steadied the spoon and moved it to his lips. He winced when he drank and sucked in a cooling breath through his teeth.

"Sorry," I whispered. I was more thorough with the next spoonful. After blowing for a few seconds, I dipped my tongue in the broth to test it. I looked up to see Edward's heavy eyes watching my mouth. He took the spoon between his lips and hummed his approval.

I leaned forward and kissed him. I couldn't help it. He drew me to him and I never wanted to be without him. He was warm and smelled like my shampoo. His fingers caressed my cheek, ran down my neck and traced my collar bone. I felt him shudder when I deepened the kiss.

"Bella," he whispered, "the soup."

I groaned, pulling back. I figured it wouldn't do to spill hot soup all over us and the bed. Just then, his phone rang from the nightstand.

He looked at the lit screen quickly before answering. "Hi, Mom."

I could hear her voice chattering on the other end.

"Yes, I'm doing much better. I'm glad you made it safely – "

I took a drink of water as he listened to the woman I was intimidated by and yet couldn't wait to meet.

"Oh, okay. That makes sense… Okay, we'll see you tomorrow then."

My eyebrows pinched together. I had thought they would be coming right away.

He said goodbye and hung up the phone, looking at me. "They're exhausted and they're still waiting for their luggage to make it off the plane. They're going to get a hotel in Seattle and drive over in the morning."

I nodded, selfishly glad that I got him to myself a little longer.

"I love you," he said, looking at me, his eyes soft in the lamp lit room.

I smiled and dipped another spoonful, and placed it between his lips. He swallowed and then surprised me by taking the spoon from my hand, dipping it in the soup, and holding it to _my_ lips. I took the bite, and the next one he gave me. It was strangely comforting and intimate. We took turns, feeding each other till the soup was gone and then we lay kissing softly, touching lazily, in the unhurried pace of contented satisfaction.

I began to pull away when it got late.

"Where are you going?" he asked, his voice deep and raspy.

"It's late, I should go so you can sleep."

His hand closed around my upper arm. "I'll sleep better with you here," he said, pulling me back.

I resisted slightly. "I'll just be on the couch."

But he continued pulling me closer, tucking me against his chest. "I almost lost you. You'll just be right here where I can hold you."

"I think you're confused about who almost lost whom."

I could feel his breath in my hair. "Heaven wouldn't be the same without you. Either way, I figure I almost lost you." His finger went beneath my chin. "I'm not about to give you up now. Not ever."

A lump rose in my throat and I relented. "I suppose it would be better if I stayed here. I might get a crick in my neck sleeping on the couch," I teased.

"Hmm…" He squeezed me tightly, then rolled me over, my back to his front, and pulled me tight against him, one arm circling my waist, the other under my head. He laid gentle wet kisses on the back of my neck and behind my ears. Who was I kidding? I never wanted to sleep any other way.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I felt Edward's lips on my shoulder. "Hmm," I sighed.

He took that as permission, turning me over, kissing and touching me in a way that wasn't at all safe. We'd been walking this line all night. Drifting in and out of sleep. Driving ourselves dizzy with desire and desperation. His shirt and my pants had been discarded at some point during our passion. At times it was difficult to tell when I was awake and when I was dreaming. He'd wake me with his love. When I slept, I dreamt of loving him. It never really stopped with the passing in and out of consciousness. We'd leave off in one state only to pick up in the other.

"I don't think I'm healthy enough to make the trip back to my place. I should probably just stay here," Edward said into my chest as I laughed and tried to squirm out of his hold.

I moaned as his fingers ran down the backs of my thighs and back up over my hips. He had me pinned to the bed doing anything and everything he could, going just about as far as possible before crossing the line to too much. In all honesty, this was too much. If we wanted to wait, this was more than dangerous.

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

His tongue ran up my neck and he sucked on my earlobe. "I don't care," he said roughly in my ear.

My breath was shaky. "Edward, that feels _too_ good. You should probably - "

He stopped my words when he covered my mouth and coaxed me away from thoughts of caution. Into a world where it was just him and me. Our reality.

The warmth of his chest intoxicated me. I couldn't stop myself from running my fingers through the hair sprinkled there or from kissing the skin that slid against my own. My panties were becoming a nuisance. And I wasn't the only one bothered. So many times, Edward's fingers would travel to the band around my hips and tug, just a little, just enough that I knew he was exercising extreme control to keep from pulling them off to join my pajama bottoms. But in our grasping and clinging and writhing, they'd inched down nonetheless.

He kissed me hard as his hand gripped my hip almost painfully. I could feel his restraint giving way as his thumb slid toward the middle.

I had briefly contemplated trying to stop our passion. But it would be trying to stop nature. Trying to stop what was supposed to be. We belonged to each other and we had grown in every aspect of our relationship, save this one that stayed horribly stunted. My emotions were desperate. The ups and downs of despair and anxiety over thinking I'd lost him had taken a toll. Now that I had him, my desire was rattling its cage, forcing its way out, bending the bars that groaned and moaned as they slowly gave up ground. But as his thumb grazed just above the little patch of hair, he pulled his mouth away for a desperate breath and a ragged groan and I felt my last thread about to snap.

"Edward, I can't stop… If… If you want," I panted as his thumb inched downward. "Oh God." My fingers splayed wide on the bed. With my eyes squeezed tight and my stomach clenched, my last futile attempt came out in a rush of wind. "Uhh….Edward if you want to wait, you have to stop now because I can't and I know I won't." I arched up into him, attached my lips to his and wrapped my arms around his neck. My legs pulled up and wrapped around his waist. My entire body cried out to join with his as his thumb pressed down, pulling the skin taught and increasing the pressure.

He groaned loudly into my mouth, biting my lip and pressing himself between my legs. He pulled a breath away his eyes burning into mine. "I should have asked you every day."

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Every time it was on the tip of my tongue but I waited. Waiting for the perfect time. Waiting for a sign that it was right or that you were ready."

My breath was heavy as I watched him with confusion.

His eyes held mine. "I should have begged you every day till you said yes," he whispered and my breath stopped. "Marry me, Bella. Today. Right now."

I blinked rapidly. "What?" I asked, incapable of any other thought.

"I love you. I never want to be without you. We don't know what tomorrow holds and I won't waste another minute with you."

I stared in shock, panting and looking into his pleading eyes. "Edward, I…I'd love to marry you but…there's no Elvis chapel down the street," I whispered. "It takes…there's a waiting period and you have to find a pastor or go before a judge or - "

"We don't need that," he said, holding my face. "God made marriage. He's all we need for this. The piece of paper, well. It matters. We'll do that too. Make it legal. But what does the law have on God?"

I was speechless. There was no doubt I would marry him. I would spend the rest of my life by his side. Have his children. Be his biggest support through the years. And hopefully, one day long down the road, our clouded eyes would still sparkle at the sight of each other.

A smile crept its way across my face and I kissed him. Fueled by intense love and adoration, I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my body up into his. I couldn't be close enough. He wanted to marry me. _Now, today._

"Is that a _yes_?" he murmured into my kiss.

"Yes," I cried between heated kisses. Slowly, he pulled away, looking intently into my eyes.

His voice was rough but did not waver in its determination. "I, Edward. Take you, Isabella…to be my wedded wife."

I gasped as he pulled my panties down slowly, his eyes never leaving mine.

"To have and to hold," his thumbs pressed along the sides of my thighs and I reached up to kiss his lips. They brushed mine softly before he pulled back to continue down. "For better or for worse," he leaned down and kissed the inside of my knee and I could feel my legs trembling. "For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health," he whispered. My panties hit the floor and his lips met the arch of my foot before trailing slowly up my leg. When he got to the hem of my teeshirt, he lifted me up and pulled the shirt over my head as he kneeled between my legs. I sat, stripped bare before him and his loving gaze. There was only warmth as he leaned forward slowly. "To love and to cherish." He kissed me again. "Forsaking all others," then pressed me back down to the bed. "For as long as we both shall live."

I shivered in anticipation as I began what I would never deny, here in private or in front of a multitude of witnesses. It didn't matter. It all came down to this. Our commitment. Our love. Our union. Before _God_.

"I, Isabella, take you, Edward." I saw the tears form in his eyes as my hands ran down his sides to the waistband of his pants. "To be my wedded husband. To have and to hold…" I pushed his pants down and swallowed hard when I saw he didn't have any boxers underneath. I stuttered and tried to remember the words.

"For better or for worse," he whispered, love crinkling his eyes.

"For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer," I said as he lifted up, letting me push his pants all the way off to the floor. "In sickness and in health." My hands traced up and over his shoulders.

I felt him settle between my legs and his hands cradled my face.

There was a lump in my throat as I continued. "To love and to cherish, forsaking all others, for as long as we both shall live." Tears leaked from my eyes and he leaned down and kissed them away. I gasped when he pushed into me.

He shuddered.

It hurt, it had been so long.

He waited. But before long, I moved tentatively. The slight burning pain was not so bad. And the yearning pressure in my belly won out over discomfort. Till I wanted more and more of that sweetest pain. Because it only meant that I was his.

We moved together, our joined bodies and hearts uttering a repetitive string of sighs and groans. Tears mingled as we gave ourselves to each other. We were where we belonged. And it was beautiful.

When my head thrashed and my body clenched, his fingers and lips twisted with mine and he released into me.

I never felt more whole.

_I am my beloved's and he is mine._

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><p><strong>...<strong>

**...**

**So.**

**Okay. Questions? Comments? Let's talk. :)**

**If my thinking process is something that interests you, I've shared a bit of it here. If you don't care, by all means, skip it. :)**

**I have put a lot of myself into this story: beliefs, experiences, etc. This chapter is a bit of a departure for me and is the only plot point of the story that has deviated from my original plan. I intended to have them marry traditionally before hopping in bed but as I was writing, the characters kind of took over and they were of the "Seize the Day" mentality after their scare. **

**I can only say that, like much of literature, this is descriptive not prescriptive in the sense that I'm not saying this is how it _should be_ but just describing how it _"did be"_ with these characters. However, I will say that I do believe that God created marriage and that he does something supernatural in the union. I believe there is something we can't see, a mystical element that only he can add. It's not the paper, it's not the law, it's an act of God. It binds couples together in a way that humans can't manufacture. I absolutely believe that legal marriage is important and so do this Edward and Bella. :) I'm not condoning the way they've become married, but you know. They were a little impatient after their near tragedy. )**

**Also, I understand if you have a problem with them having taken the vows while getting nekkid. I get it. In reality, I don't think that's ideal. But again, I was just describing how it "did be." And it was a purposeful decision to leave it because I believe marriage to be a two-part deal, a combination of the commitment and the physical union that marries people together. So yeah. There's my thinking should anyone care. :)**

**Okay! Next update will likely be Thursday because I have a super busy schedule at work the next couple days. :) xoxo_  
><em>**


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters. **

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superb beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

**As amazing of a beta as LJ is, I did a bunch of editing after she looked at it. As always, any mistakes are my fault, not hers. :)**

**So if I haven't gone to bed yet, then it's still Thursday, right? Even if it is after midnight? ;) Busy day. This is the first time I've been able to sit down at the computer for more than like 3 minutes today.**

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><p>"Hi, I'm your new…daughter-in-law."<p>

I shook my head.

"You're my - "

Deep breath.

"I'm so pleased to meet you. I'm your son's…wife."

There was a knock on the door. "Bella, what are you doing in there?"

"Nothing, I'm just…finishing up," I called, turning on the water to wash my hands. I'd been staring at myself in the bathroom mirror rehearsing what I'd say when Edward's parents arrived and I wasn't any closer to figuring it out.

When I opened the door, he was leaning against the frame with a smirk on his face. "You're adorable," he said as I pushed past him. He grabbed my arm, spinning me around and pulling me to him. "They're going to love you."

I was embarrassed at being caught talking to myself but he wouldn't have it. He ran his finger over my heated cheek and kissed me sweetly.

"What if they don't?" I whispered.

"They will," he said, lifting me up and carrying me to the bed. He hovered over me, kissing me long and slow till my fears were _almost_ allayed.

"What will they think about…our marriage?"

He kissed down my neck and to my breasts, his soft lips stroking, kindling heat. "Bella, as far as I'm concerned, that is between _you_ and _me_. We can tell everyone or no one. It's up to us how we handle it." His kisses trailed further down and my belly contracted as his tongue circled in my navel. "You are my wife. _My wife_. In the sight of God," he said fervently. His hands wrapped around my hips and I jolted up when I felt his breath between my legs. His eyes blazed fiercely. "However, I'll declare it to the world and marry you in the sight of everyone else too, just as soon as possible."

I shuddered and groaned, falling back on the pillow. Somehow I forgot what I'd been worried about.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

"You were more than worth the wait," he rasped beside me sometime later. It was getting close to noon and we hadn't left the bed except for the occasional necessity of bathroom trips.

"Mmmm, you too," I agreed.

"But just so we're clear. I've had enough of this waiting business. From now on, I'm not waiting. I plan to take advantage of you every opportunity I get," he growled, tickling my sides.

I giggled and gasped as he rolled me over till I straddled his waist. He had quite a bit of scruff grown in and his wild hair stood in every direction. "Maybe _I'll_ be taking advantage of _you_," I murmured, leaning down, my hair falling around his face to the pillow. I saw his eyes narrow playfully but before he could respond, his stomach growled loudly. "All right, we need to eat. And I could use a break anyway," I said, feeling the effects of our intimacy after so many years of nothing.

He ran his hand through his hair. "Just don't get used to it. I plan to have you back up here as soon as I'm able. Or on the stairs. Or the kitchen table. Or – "

"I get the idea, husband," I said, rolling off of him only to have my back pressed into the mattress once again.

"Say it again," he growled.

I smiled. "_My husband_."

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

A couple hours later, after another toe-curling encounter and a nap, we finally made it downstairs to the kitchen. I'd have been in more of a hurry except that Edward's parents had mercifully gotten a late start out of Seattle and were stuck in holiday traffic. They didn't expect to make it to Port Angeles till evening.

We ate, we kissed. We put our dishes away. Edward took my hand and led me back upstairs. "Edward, really, I need a break."

He laughed and took me into the bathroom. Turning on the water in the tub, he began to gently remove our clothes. When he stepped in, he helped me settle against his chest.

The warm water soothed my aches as he began to slowly and tenderly wash my body. "You are so beautiful," he whispered into my ear as he left a trail of suds on my breasts, my head resting on his shoulder. "I love you so much." He rubbed the cloth over my belly. "I can't wait to put a baby in here."

I shivered. _Oh, I wanted to have his babies._

"Come with me to the courthouse this afternoon?" he asked.

"Today?"

"Well, we both have to be present to apply for a marriage license. But there is a three day waiting period."

"You've given this some thought."

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. "I have. I did _that_ bit of research months ago."

My eyes filled with joyful tears and I swallowed hard.

"I have the week off. My parents are here. I don't want to hide this from anyone." His strong fingers massaged my scalp. "What do you think?"

I turned in his arms. "Yes," I said, as I took the soap and cloth to wash him in return.

TOML ~ TOML ~ TOML

We drove away from the Auditor's Office with smiles on our faces and a marriage license in our hands. As we got back onto the freeway, Edward took a call from his parents. He pulled over quickly and turned in the opposite direction.

"Okay, Dad, we'll see you there."

He turned to look at me and took my hand gently. "They want us to have dinner with them."

"Oh," I breathed.

"They're thrilled to meet you," he said, turning on the windshield wipers as it began to rain.

I took a deep breath and smiled at him. "I'm excited to meet them too."

We pulled into the parking lot of the waterfront hotel where they would be staying and parked the car. Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulder and led me into the lobby.

Near the entrance to the _Crab Pot_ restaurant, stood a tall man with Edward's build and a woman with carefully curled hair the color of pennies. Edward picked up his speed and she began to cry as she launched herself into his arms, her small hands grasping his shoulders with incredible strength. When she pulled away, she wiped her eyes and stood back, looking at me nervously.

"I'm Elizabeth and this is Edward, Sr.," she said softly, extending her hand.

I shook it and smiled. "I'm very pleased to meet you. I'm Bella."

She nodded and Edward Sr. gave me a squeezing hug, kissing my cheek. "You're just as pretty as Edward said you were."

I blushed and looked over at _my_ Edward who was beaming. There was pride in his eyes and something else: fulfillment, maybe.

We got seated in the restaurant and ordered our meals. The rain was heavier and it was beginning to look like a storm was coming in. The gray water in the harbor frothed as it slapped against the jagged rocks. But it was warm inside by the fire.

"How are you feeling dear?" Elizabeth asked her son, concern lining her eyes.

"I'm feeling great, Mom," Edward said, looking over at me. "Bella's been taking great care of me." He squeezed my knee and I felt heat rise in my cheeks.

"I see that. You look…good," Edward, Sr. said with a smile, something passing between father and son. "So how'd the chopper go down?"

I saw Mrs. Masen's shoulders curl and her eyebrows drew together.

Edward sat up taller, his chest rising, and his shoulders squaring. "A call came in that there was trouble in Canoe Pass. It's extremely narrow with cliffs on both sides. The elements rip through on a good day and this day had some pretty severe inclement weather." The change in his demeanor was kind of sexy. He was in full on officer mode, reporting to his father. "I came in on approach with caution and hovered. Visibility was low as we attempted to locate the people in distress. We encountered a strong wind and a rotor blade nicked the cliff. It was all over after that and we crashed against the rocks." He stopped for a minute, and I could tell he was struggling with the memory. After taking a sip of water, he continued. "We all made it out of the aircraft but the conditions were so turbulent, I lost track of everyone else just trying to stay afloat while looking for victims." He cleared his throat and looked at me with love and relief.

Elizabeth slowly smoothed the wrinkles from the tablecloth in front of her. "Then what?" Her voice was small and strained.

Edward looked at her for a moment before continuing. "I was in the water for quite some time. I knew I had to get out and get warm so I tried to conserve energy by floating with the current as much as possible and waiting to get close enough to land that I could swim ashore. When I did, I took shelter and waited."

My stomach was in knots thinking about all that time he was in danger and I could see Mrs. Masen struggling with the information as well.

His dad sat quietly for a minute then nodded. "Excellent job keeping everyone safe, son."

With a shake of her copper curls, Elizabeth blinked the mist from her eyes and looked at me. "So, Bella, you're a librarian?"

I nodded, swallowing a bite of potato. "Yes, at the college. I've been working there a few years now."

"That's great," she said warmly.

I smiled. "It's not heroic but it's important."

"We spoke to Carlisle today," Edward's father interrupted putting a bite of steak in his mouth. "He said they caught that kid that made the prank call. Well he turned himself in, actually."

Edward's face suddenly went grim. "What?"

"He just walked into the police station and confessed. They better teach him a lesson."

"It was a _prank_?" Edward asked with steel in his voice. I saw the muscles in his jaw clench and I laid my hand on his leg. "Did you know this?"

"I'd heard a rumor. I hoped it wasn't true," I said.

Edward's father continued. "Kid's dad is some uppity-up in city government so there's a chance he'll get off."

My husband's eyes narrowed. "What's his name?"

"Mike…something. Newburn?"

"Newton," Edward seethed and I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. "That little…"

"I told Carlisle the Coast Guard should press charges," Edward, Sr. said, polishing off his meal.

"I'm sure they'll work it out," I said, hoping to diffuse some tension. "The important thing is that everyone is safe."

Elizabeth nodded her head in agreement while Edward clenched his hands into fists in his lap.

"Oh," I said hesitantly. "Before I forget," I said. "We've all been invited to the Clearwaters' house for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. They're close family friends of mine," I explained. "My dad will be there along with some other good friends. If…that's okay with you all. If not, we can – "

"Oh, of course it's okay," Elizabeth spoke up. "That would be lovely. How wonderful of them to think of us," she said graciously.

Edward was still visibly heated, but keeping quiet, when we stood to leave. His mother gave me a tentative hug and we all said goodnight. His parents walked down the hall toward the elevators and Edward ran out in the rain to pull the car up to the door for me. I didn't mind walking in the rain but he wasn't in a mood to be argued with.

I sat calmly in my seat as the windshield wipers beat angrily back and forth. At first, Edward was quiet as we drove. But then he began to rant. "That punk-ass kid. The lives of five Coast Guardsmen could have been lost. I _thought_ I'd lost _you_. Millions of dollars in damage to a government aircraft. For what?!"

He wasn't looking for an answer. I let him vent. I was angry myself. Someone needed to get a hold of that kid before he did something even worse. But at the same time, I wouldn't let him take these moments from us. So after Edward had expressed some of the rage he was feeling, I scooted to the edge of my seat and laid my head on his shoulder.

"You're right. Mike is...seriously messed up. And he needs help. But don't let him steal our joy," I pleaded. "What matters is that we have each other. We're together. We're _married_," I said with a smile. I felt his arms relax a bit. "We can't control what happens to him. And that's okay, God has it all worked out. But we _can_ live our lives the way _we_ want to."

He sighed heavily with eyes closed and head dropped when we pulled in the driveway. After a moment, he got out of the car, came around, yanked my door open, and pulled me roughly into his arms. He stalked up to the house, rain soaking us as his feet splashed on the puddled walkway.

He went straight up the stairs, stripped me of my wet clothes and his warm mouth was on me, wet and determined. "You're right. Of course, you're right. I have you," he growled. Our slick skin slid together and banished the chill.

* * *

><p><strong>So, fun little piece of RG trivia. When I lived in Port Angeles and my dad was stationed there as a helicopter pilot with the Coast Guard, he flew his most dangerous mission in 20 years of flying - even more dangerous than any situation he encountered in Kodiak, Alaska. It was a rescue mission to Canoe Pass. Nasty place to try and take a helicopter. <strong>

**One more chapter and an epilogue to go, dear friends. And you _have_ become dear to me. Even if I haven't had a chance to respond to your reviews, please know that I read them, I love them, and I really feel like I've been able to get to know some of you a little bit. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me. :)**

**Love and hugs!**

**Oh yeah, next update will likely be Saturday! **


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superb beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

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><p>The snow crunched under our boots as we dragged the tree back toward Rose's parents' house.<p>

"Are you nervous?" Edward asked, his breath a puff of steam in the twilight.

I smiled. "No. Are you?"

He gave me _a look_. "Not a chance. Although, when we told them after Thanksgiving dinner, the thought crossed my mind that your dad might kill me," he said with a laugh.

I giggled at the memory of our announcement and our parents' reactions. They weren't surprised at the _what_, more at the _when_. My cheeks ached from smiling so much in the cold. "He knows you make me happy."

We'd been trudging through the snow for a couple hours searching out the perfect tree, _our tree_, and we were on our way back to join the party. Rose's parents lived on a huge amount of acreage in the woods and it was an annual tradition they had to invite people over for a Christmas tree hunt and then back to the warmth of their cabin for a Christmas party. But this year's event held a little more significance for Edward and me.

An orange glow hung on the doorstep and huddled around the windows as we approached the cabin, leaving our tree beside the stone path. We knocked the snow off our boots and pulled out of them as the tinkle of bells sounded with the motion of the opening door.

With hands clasped, we were drawn together into the radiating heat of the fire lit living room. Evergreen boughs with twinkling white lights adorned every stair rail and table top and the smell of spiced apple cider filled the air. Soft instrumental Christmas music played through the speakers. People stood in groups, warming their hands on their mugs and eating morsels of smoked salmon wrapped around cream cheese. Revelers continued to arrive with laughter and rushes of adrenaline accompanying the thaw as they huddled by the fire. Only a few knew the importance of this day for us.

Everyone was there. Everyone that mattered: our parents, Rose and Jacob, Sue and Harry, Carlisle and Esme, Jasper and Alice, Billy, even Jessica and Eric had come. And I was ecstatic to share our commitment with them all.

Edward looked at me with love and anticipation, kissing me on the temple, and my heart swelled in the fiery glow. His mother bustled over to us, embracing him before hugging me, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Rose glanced our way and she smiled warmly as she and Jacob placed trays of snacks out for guests to enjoy. Jessica chattered enthusiastically to a captivated Eric as she rapidly cracked shelled nuts and popped them in her mouth.

Charlie stepped up to the fireplace and cleared his throat awkwardly. "I want to thank you all for being here," he said, his free hand finding its way into his pocket. "And uhh, Bella and Edward, can you come up here please?"

My heart picked up a beat as Edward pulled me through the tight spaces of people to the front of the living room where two small clusters of evergreens woven with white twinkling lights framed either side of the fireplace.

"Most of you don't know it, but today is the day my daughter will join her life to a guy who…well, a stand up guy." He paused as people gasped and whooped and Jessica squealed. After the roar calmed, I could see that my dad was struggling with his words a bit. "And he's a real hero. He's got guts. And that's good because…my little girl, she's brave." His eyes met mine. "Just about the bravest I've seen. Because in spite of what she's gone through and in spite of the scary things in the world, she went for what made her happy." I could see his fingers trembling around his mug of cider. "And he makes her happy." Then looking hard at Edward, he continued. "And he's going to _keep_ making her happy." Nervous laughter rumbled through the group of people and Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in tight to him. "So, uhh. Pastor? Come do your thing."

We had been grateful that Pastor Walton from our church had been available on such short notice. When he stepped up with his Bible, there was more squealing and cheering from our group of friends and family.

I looked up at Edward, his face glowing in the light of the fire, his hair a mess from his stocking cap, and I thought about how this moment couldn't be any more perfect. And so, to the sounds of _Gabriel's Oboe_ and in the presence of those most important to us, we dedicated our lives to each other with the very same vows we'd promised in the privacy of _our_ home. And we meant them every bit as much with every bit of love and devotion. I hadn't thought it possible, but it was even more joyful than the first time. Because we could share it.

And when he leaned down and kissed me, with the cheers and hollers of our guests, I knew that I was so in love with this life. And I couldn't wait to live it.

* * *

><p><strong>Sniff, sniff. Epilogue to come. Maybe Monday, probably tomorrow.<strong>

**I 3 you guys. Your words mean the world to me. :)**


	25. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: ****Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I'm just having some fun with her characters.**

**Many thanks to radar1230 for prereading this for me and being my cheerleader and also to LJ Summers, my superb beta who wields her colorful pens with style and accuracy. :)**

* * *

><p>"Great hit! Great hit! Run, run, run!" Jessica screamed, her voice hoarse from cheering for her boy. She stomped her feet on the metal bleachers, her popcorn long since spilled in the dust. Eric sat beside her, holding a video camera to his eye and a baby on his lap. An unlikely couple from the start but they were ridiculously adorable. And when they got married, they had been the most beautiful little instant family. Eric had been a natural father to Jessica's son, Joey, accepting him like his own, and then came a baby brother.<p>

Relations between Jessica, Eric, and Mike were not always easy. Mike had put up a bit of a fight when he learned of their impending marriage. His eyes strayed up to Jessica fleetingly as she whistled and whooped. As the Assistant Coach, Mike was handing out bottles of water to the players, adjusting helmets, and tying shoes. But he took a break to cheer his son all the way home where he gave him a high five and a pat on the shoulder. He was trying. Despite Mike's change of heart, his naïve idea that he could have the happy little family with Jessica and their son was unfortunately too little, too late.

When he turned himself in for the false distress call all those years ago, he had been prosecuted and convicted. He spent some time in juvenile detention and while he was locked up, his father's career in city government had been rocked by scandal. The good news of it all was that Mike had been completely humbled. His time in jail and his family's shame gave him a good dose of reality and he learned the hard way about earning the things you want, including trust.

It was hard for Edward to give Mike a second chance after everything that happened. When Mike asked for his forgiveness, he'd given it but it was with no small amount of effort. He might not have deserved a second chance, but that's the essence of grace. Getting what we don't deserve.

"Masen! You're up!" my husband called to our son.

Emmett looked at me from the bench and flashed his freckle faced toothless grin and I smiled so wide that tears came to my eyes. That kid had all the charm of his father and he had me wrapped around his finger and he _knew_ it.

The kids on the other team kicked at the dirt, tugged at their uniforms, and one kid even sat cross legged in the outfield, plucking grass and tossing it over his shoulder.

"A formidable force, indeed," Rose observed from next to me and I laughed.

Charis wriggled in my arms and yet another pacifier dropped from her pursed lips to the ground below.

Emmett stood at the plate and nervously raised the bat over his shoulder. I held my breath as he waited for the pitch. The last game they'd played, he'd been hit by a ball and he was understandably fearful. He had yet to even swing on any of his turns at bat since then.

"What'd I miss?" Jacob asked, climbing up to sit next to Rose and leaning over to give her a kiss.

"Joey made a homerun," Rose answered.

The pitcher threw the ball right over the plate and Emmett stood frozen.

"Strike one!"

"It's all right, son, all right!" Edward called, clapping his hands. "You're doing great! Just focus and swing when it's right."

The fingers of my free hand curled around the sharp metal edge of the bleacher and the cheers of parents and friends around me grew to a roar.

The pitch let fly and I saw the fear on Emmett's face as it once again passed him by. I blew out the breath of air I was holding. "You can do it, Emmett!" I yelled.

Charis gurgled and gnawed on her plump fingers, drool running down onto my arm.

Edward approached the plate and bent down to talk to our son. My eyes trailed down the lines of his strong back to his backside, somehow made even more attractive by streaks of dirt on white pants. His hands held Emmett's head as they were locked in a pow-wow for a moment before my husband returned to the bench.

"Just keep your eye on the ball, Emmett. You got this!"

I saw our son's back straighten and courage strengthened his shoulders. Jacob began stomping his feet and cheering loudly.

"You're doing great, son! You've got this!" Edward called, clapping his hands and cheering for our boy. "Even if you miss, you've got to swing."

The pitcher studied his batter before winding up and letting fly. I hollered and screamed with enthusiasm as I saw Emmett's eyes narrow and his jaw set. His arms were firm as the bat arced forcefully across the plate.

Edward pumped his fist and I jumped from my seat, screaming with all I had.

Sometimes the outcome doesn't matter; you just have to swing.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Btw, Charis is pronounced Care-iss. <strong>_

**Sigh. It's done. **

**Thank you so much to everyone that has read this story. If you are reading and you haven't reviewed yet, would you take a minute to drop me a little note? I always love hearing from you, it makes the writing process so much richer for me. If you don't feel comfortable leaving a review, just know that I appreciate you for taking the time to read my story. :)**

**Thank you again to LJ Summers for being such a great beta and great friend. I'm honored by your time and dedication to my story. :) And radar1230, your words always make me smile and I'm so glad we're friends. :) **

**Also, though, she'll probably never see this, I want to thank Bratty-Vamp. To be honest, she is the reason this story ever saw the light of day. Her excitement for my idea and encouragement to write it is why it's here. It probably would have stayed locked up in my brain if she didn't encourage me to share it. She also pre-read the first few chapters for me before she left the fandom. So thank you, Kat, for your enthusiasm for my idea. :) **

**I've had questions about if I'll write another story and the answer is yes, but I don't know if I will do any more fanfiction. I think I'm going to be focusing on some original fiction for a while. But if the inspiration strikes for another Edward and Bella story, I may be back. :) I do have some ideas, so we'll see! In any case, I appreciate you all so much and thank you for all your love and support for this story.**

**I'd love to hear from you!**


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